Thoughts are welcome.
Together 7 years; married for 3.
Welcome to SI. You will find the support that you need here.
I don't know if I was looking to cheat, but I do know that I definitely put myself at risk and was putting the signals out because of where I let myself go with my mindset. Instead of going to my BH when I had concerns and resentments building up, I found myself looking for fulfillment elsewhere, and talking to the wrong people about it. That led to an EA.
After my EA, I resolved nothing in ME, and I started behaving inappropriately and created toxic friendships, and allowed all my boundaries to break down, which led to multiple PAs.
So, while we may not plan to cheat, we definitely set ourselves up for it by behaving and thinking a certain way, kwim?
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I took deliberate steps seeking validation, but didn't realize till too late that I was in full on cheater zone.
Guess it's kind of a yes and no answer.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Married 2.5 years
Reconciled and remarried.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
I cheated deliberately, I signed up on Ashley Madison and had two EA/PAs.
To answer your question 20WrongsVs1, I have done a lot of respressing, which I know is not going me a lot of good. I am finally acknowledging that I cannot pretend like things never happened, and that I need to work these things out.
I knew what I was doing during the bantering. I was flirting and being inappropriate. I liked the attention. I thought I could control it and it would remain friendly. Instead I got hooked and it escalated into a full blown affair.
It started off by me using him for an "ego boost". I got attached. He said all the right things. I ignored any rational voices in my head. I justified and rationalised my way through 2 and half years of betrayal.
There was no intention as such but there was definitely an intention to escape my real life and go into a fantasy world.