I filed for D in June; court date is set for Sep. He says he wants to R, so I am watching to see what he does. We are in in-house separation now.
Here it goes:
1. In order to rebuild trust, I will commit to a monthly polygraph test for the next 6 months. If these tests are positive, meaning "no deception," tests will be every 2 months for an additional 1 year. If "no deception" in these tests, testing will end at the end of that year (approximately the end of 2014).
2. I will continue to see (CSAT) and follow his treatment plan, in whatever form he recommends. You will continue to have access to him to report on our meetings and progress, but he is my therapist, not you.
3. I will terminate my facebook account.
4. I will continue to keep receipts for all cash transactions and will minimize cash transactions to the greatest extent possible.
5. I will provide you with the password to my personal email account. I will also provide you access to my work email, but not my passwords to my work devices.
In exchange for items 1 through 5 above:
(a) You will refrain from giving me the third degree about cash spending, travel, email correspondence and any alleged misconduct.
(b) We will continue the court hearing until Jan 2014, unless either of us decides that our differences are irreconcilable, at which time a new (and earlier) date may be _____???
(c) You will reduce your therapy to 2 sessions per week for September and October and to one session per week beginning in November.
(d) I will seek to break the lease on my condo as soon as possible.
(e) I will be permitted to: (1) travel to ______ for 3 days in September to meet with (6 guys names) at ____'s home and (2) travel to Las Vegas in October to meet with (5 guys, including all the guys from the "cheating" Vegas trip).
1. No home repair or improvement activities will be pursued or undertaken without prior discussion and mutual agreement (i.e., no calling for door repairs without first consulting each other).
2. Cleaning lady will be reduced to 2 times per month.
3. Our son's counseling will be re-evaluated to determine if the current schedule is overdoing it, with the goal of reducing paid counseling to $250 per month.
[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 11:45 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
You might want to post this in the R forum too as my response is not a positive one. It is firmly of the AYFKM??????????????? variety.
He does NOT get to dictate how R is going to happen.
AYFKM is pretty mild, but the only thing I can say that isn't riddled with four letter words and a lot of bile for your WH.
The Usual Suspects:
XWH (serial cheater with 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Note: I edit often for typos/c
No response. None at all. Complete crickets. There is no reasoning with crazy and this fucker is bat-shit-crazy if he thinks is still driving this bus.
When he asks. "No comment", when he asks again "No comment".
Post all of your responses here - angry ones, funny ones, all of it.
But no response to him. It will get you nowhere. This isn't an attempt at R, it is a new manipulation angle he is testing out on you.
Ignore his words - watch his actions. There is no venom in true remorse - whether in R or S/D (or limbo!). I predict venom. When you see it you'll know it was all an act.
Fuck. That. Guy.
To quote a friend of mine, I want to dick punch him so hard his testicles hang out his nose like boogers.
so I am watching to see what he does
20 yrs. old, single, naive, thoughtless, but not deliberately hurtful.
OW#2 05/2010- 07/2010
44 yrs.old, married bitch in heat who acted like a whore and got treated like one.
How dare he dictate to YOU.
So, now that you see behind the mask, what are you going to do?
Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.
You know that contract is a bunch of bull. We could give you lots of comebacks (mine would be, "take that contract and shove it up your ass"), but you still need to decide what you are going to do.. He doesn't get to call the shots right now. You do. You set your boundaries, and you decide what the consequences are if he breaks them..
He has taken manipulation to new levels here. This line right here:
You will refrain from giving me the third degree about cash spending, travel, email correspondence and any alleged misconduct.
Would be enough to tell him to go back to his condo.
I will be permitted to: (1) travel to ______ for 3 days in September to meet with (6 guys names) at ____'s home and (2) travel to Las Vegas in October to meet with (5 guys, including all the guys from the "cheating" Vegas trip).
The simple answer to that one is No. No I won't, and if you choose to go, to Vegas, or be around those men EVER again, expect to be served.
As others around here say: He is telling you who he is. Listen.
In exchange for items 1 through 5 above:
He just wants to go on his trips, remain an SA and a bachelor; he has no interest in R.
But, it gets even better. This morning, he came into my room and after some pleasant small talk about the kids, he asked me if I had read his letter. I said yes, he asked what I thought. I said I have to think about it some more. He said it is a way to "build trust" and give us some space. I am noticing how he takes what he knows I want - to build trust and a polygraph - and uses it to manipulate me.
Anyway, he then asks me not to share the letter with anyone and then ASKS FOR THE LETTER BACK. I said, how am I going to read it if I don't have it. He said he will give it to me later, but he "unfortunately" doesn't trust me to not show it to anyone. I didn't tell him that I had already shared it with thousands of people on SI.
I am going to call my L to see if I can hefty bag his shit and change the locks today. I want this crazy mother fucker out of my life pronto. Can't believe I gave him yet another chance at R. Live and learn.
We're here for you, N&N.
Sorry...fell off my chair laughing.
He has shown you over and over who he is.
Now you have it in writing.
Good luck in court next month.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 30 - Yikes!
ummm .... yeah....NO!
he doesn't trust you...???
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
And he wanted it back so that you can't show it to his CSAT.
I'm sorry but I can't dredge up any venom right now. I'm sitting here, full of memories, and kinda horrified.
My stbx pulled this same type of shit on me. He declared that he couldn't trust me, that I was a bad bet, that if *he* were to consider R'ing with me that *I* would have to meet *his* conditions.....among lots of other delusional bullshit.
I'm now trying to shake the *Away* feeling I got from reading that "contract"....because whenever I hear/see stuff like this now, that's the over-riding thought in my head: to get the hell *away* from the crazy level of self-centeredness....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
It would appear he regrets it to some extent, since he asked for it back. I'd say that is something, but who knows what part he is regretting.
I admire your self restraint. It appears you have a firm handle on your boundaries and self respect. However this shakes out you have a strong women in your corner (yourself), and things are only going to get better for you going forward.