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User Topic: Need to get beyond checking up all the time
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get beyond checking-up, having them prove where they have been or are going? At some point I need to stop. It's to time consuming, it's eating my life away.

Will all the checking-up/asking for proof really stop WS from seeing the OW if that's what WS chooses to do? Probably not.....

I'm thinking I need to give WH enough rope to see if he hangs himself or toes the line.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still pretty new here, but for the time being have given up on the constant checking and verifying.

It makes me crazy and it doesn't change what he does.

I have let it go for the moment.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Aug 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good question. I'm still checking, but for different reasons. You need to ask yourself why you're still checking, what are your reasons. If it's because he still isn't telling you anything and need to check do you're not in key in the dark. Then you may need to continue. But if he's on the level and doing the hard work to correct what he's done then maybe it is time to take a step back and put a little trust in him. You also need to decide if you're ready for that.

Every situation and every person is different.

I hope assume of this makes sense.

There's also saying around here - Trust but verify.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5829 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh ended his A 18 months ago. My dday was almost 1 yr ago. I still feel the need to check up on him, however its not as strong now. What has helped is I have seen there is no contact. He has went above and beyond to make sure I feel secure again. He put an app called find my friends on his cell phone. it tells me where he is at all times and I can go almost all day without checking now. Sometimes it may be off by a couple mins or a few feet. But it is close enough for me to know he is where he says he is. Having access to his email, phone and fb also helps. Plus, his computer died and instead of replacing it he uses mine when he needs to, so I can keep track of what he does on there. The feeling to check had lessened over that dreaded word "time"

But aside from all of that, it is the way he treats me now that means the most.

And yes, if you they want to continue the A they will find a way. Given enough rope those people will hang themselves. Just as we had no control over their decision to have the A, we have no control over them deciding to continue it. The only thing we can control is ourselves. What I do is keep an eye open and I question anything that looks suspicious to me. So far so good.

Good luck and ((((soconfused))))


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will get to the point where the urge to check isn't as strong.
TIME does heal as long as there are no new DDays and each time you do, find nothing.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is remorseful and trying to make you feel safe then some of the reassurance should be on him, have him call and send oix of where he is. Otherwise, check as long as you need to. Eventually you won't need to...


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow you are fairly new, don't worry about checking up. There are a few things that concern me. Are you being pressured by your spouse to stop? Getting the old " will you ever trust me again" " you need to quit obsessing" stuff? If so then you best keep looking, and get even stealthier.

When they really get it, and R is happening the WS won't give 2 licks if you are checking up, and happily will hand over their phone/computer/tablet etc.

I can personally say that with my H breaking NC in the early days multiple times it made it harder for me to let go, and stop checking. I was vigilant. Keyloggers, phones, etc. I had to know where he was, who he had talked to, and who he was with.

Someone here (I can't remember who sorry) likens it to a trust piggy bank. When Dday happens that piggy bank gets destroyed. So when you are R'ing you get a new trust piggy bank, and each time you check up and find nothing you get to put a penny in it. It takes time to fill up. But just like a kid with a piggy bank when they are brand new and empty they look for every piece of change they can find, but as it starts to get full and you can hear it jingling around in there it isn't the most important thing to do, but you still keep adding change when you see it. Slowly over time, and repeatedly finding nothing along with a truly remorseful spouse that is doing the hard work of R that piggy gets filled up.

Now I am 5 years out, and the funny thing is he is more open now than ever. We both have to passwoword protect our phones for our jobs, and they change every 90 days. I never think to tell him when my changes, but he always makes a point of telling me it changed, and what he changed it to. He usually makes the numbers something signifcant, like my bday, our anniversary, the last 4 numbers of my phone number.
So it happens, but it takes a long time.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will all the checking-up/asking for proof really stop WS from seeing the OW if that's what WS chooses to do? Probably not....

This is how I feel. Lately, I check his phone, e-mail, and FB more to make sure he hasn't changed his PW's than in expectation of finding anything. Or, I suppose, to make sure he hasn't "slipped up" and forgotten to delete something incriminating.

I'm only a month out from d-day, and even less from the date of full transparency. I will continue to check until someday (I hope) it just won't cross my mind anymore.

WH sometimes asks if I'm "spying on him." I hate that he phrases it this way, but I answer him honestly (i.e. "Yes, I checked your e-mail this morning"). He usually shrugs and responds "I don't care." I think, if he doesn't care, why does he ask?

I dunno. I'll probably keep checking for quite a while, but I try not to obsess over it. It really is time-consuming - not just the checking itself, but the worrying about it. In fact, sometimes when I am walking towards his phone to look at, I find myself changing my course with a dismissive wave of my hand - basically, it's not worth the extra 5 steps to find nothing out of place.

I figure either there's nothing going on, really, or I need to dig deeper, because I'm never going to find it with what I have. Until he really gives me reason to dig deeper, I'm going to stick with what I've got.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
focusingonthefam
♀ New Member
Member # 40465
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over a year since my first Discovery in August of 2012. Then November 2012, and the last one was March of 2013.

Though I see that he is trying to be good, and focusing on the family, I still have the urge to wonder what he does during work hrs, because they do still work together.

Ironically she lives only 1 min. away from my work, but I have no idea what the OW looks like. My checking up on him has been difficult because with their jobs, they can go in the field and do whatever they want and nobody will know.

I read that some of you have all the passwords to WH emails. I do not have this and wonder if I should ask him for his passwords. Should I be worried if he resists?


Sincerely,
Sweet mom of 2 wonderful kids.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: California
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that some of you have all the passwords to WH emails. I do not have this and wonder if I should ask him for his passwords. Should I be worried if he resists?

For me, I needed everything, or there was no deal. My biggest hurdle was the phone, and I was tempted to accept only that. But after a few days I asked him for the PW to his e-mail, and he gave it to me immediately. I didn't even really want to check it, so much as I was curious if he'd give it to me. If he had resisted, I would have been concerned.

But everybody's situation is different. If you're comfortable not having it, that's entirely up to you.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 10

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