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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: PleaseAny stories on what it takes for them to finally "get it"?
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What things have to happen to the WS/WW/WH/STBX...to make them see how crazy they are acting and understand the catastrophic impact of their actions??

I am not looking for R, but I want some remorse, some recognition of what a train wreck has been created by his actions. How can they they say, I am so sorry, I am taking responsibility, I was not living in integrity, but now I am....and still be in this other relationship and NOT really seeing the impact and NOT really showing remorse or seeing what this will do to the family?

I want him to get it and feel bad, that will help with getting what I want in the eventual D, but also help get to an amiable situation for our children?

Any stories on what it takes for them to GET IT??

For any of you that ever had them come out of their "fog" or realize what an EPIC catastrophe they have created....what triggered that awakening?? or do they just live in denial forever...


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 406 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd love to know myself. I've heard sometimes they don't admit it until years later.



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some never get it. Ever. My X has never gotten it and he never will.

Whether they ever get it or not is completely out of your control. There is nothing that you can do or say that will make them get it, so it is best to just let it go.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17280 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sleepless,

I am going to try to be gentle here but I do not know if I know how.

If you are not looking for R then the healthiest thing you can do is to put any hope for regret or remore from your ex out of your mind. I too really hoped I could get some feeling of understanding of what xWW did to me and to our family. But she never got it. She came close whenb her own son became a BH and had to live what I had been going through for a year. For a short while she realized what she had done to me but the best I got was that she was sorry how she handled blowing up our M. So regret. No remorse. And I do not think I will ever see it. It bothers me at times but I've come to realize that the sooner I can just forget everything we had together, the healthier I will be. I just have to focus on me and my moving forward.

Sorry for being a downer but I really recommend that you focus you energy on YOU and don't waste any space in your head on your ex.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3078 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh, that is unfortunate. Not surprising, but unfortunate.

It is probably a defense mechanism to be able to live with themselves.

I will let it go, getting D, it is what it is...
but I am going to make him miserable in the process. He will wish he was dead.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 406 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if you should read posts in the Wayward or Reconciliation forums to get a sense of remorseful WS's thinking/perspective. Or maybe post this question in I Can Relate under "questions for the WS".

It seems that many of us in this forum are here because our WS's never get their head out of their asses.

But if you DO find out, PLEASE let me know


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH thought he got it when his AP left him and I started dating after the D. What he was REALLY sorry about was how he f*ucked up HIS life. I got the apology, but I didn't ever get a sense of empathy for what he put me and our sons through. I don't think he is capable of "getting it" which is why it was such a good thing that he filed for D and didn't put me through more pain trying to R.

Sometimes you just have to let go - you can't control him, you can only be the captain of your own ship.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let it go. Move on with your life. Try & get to a place in your head where what he thinks or feels just doesn't matter.

(((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you are going through but it is something you will have to accept: that you will never know.

My ex showed zero remorse. He was full of regret but not remorse. He has absolutely no idea about the pain he has caused to me and our children and I doubt he ever will. He is not the kind of person to look inside himself and fix what is broken, not even for the sake of his children. He is far too cowardly for that.

Denial is a way to keep living in their fantasy land and make themselves believe they are good people.

Keep strong, it will get easier.


Posts: 433 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepless,

I really relate to this question. I have accepted that the person I thought he was is a fantasy. I've accepted that he is a coward and he was (and is) really screwing me and the kids in the worst way possible. It's a heartache...

I think its just really hard to let go of wanting some sort of justice. To me the minimum would be that he is held accountable for his actions. I know that he will be - financially, but never on an emotional level.

I think a lot of the waywards are so consumed with their own pain that they lack the capacity to think of their spouses and childrens pain. It sucks.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to this. My friends and family tried to tell me in the beginning that it didn't matter what he thinks unless he is doing everything he can to reconcile. I didn't get it then but I get it now.

I was the one who needed to get it. He hasn't changed his tune in 6 months. He doesn't see the damage he's done. He minimizes and justifies everything. I kept trying to make him see...it only made me crazier.

Last night a family friend came to see the baby and she said, boy, if he can stay away from this adorable baby (our miracle baby we tried really hard to conceive) then nothing is going to make him see.

I think Strongbutbroken said it best in another thread: you have to look at his lack of remorse as a gift.

Truer words were never spoken.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some never do. It has been 19 years since this first started for me, he never "got it." Just continued doing it and had another affair and left us 8 years ago. Still doesn't think he did anything wrong even though he destroyed our marriage and our family. Doesn't understand why I'm not "friends" with him and won't have any contact.

Expects his children to respect him and visit him, acting like nothing happened when he abandoned us and bought a new house for OW and her kids and lives 100 miles away.

For some people, they just don't. There is nothing you can do to convince them. You have to let it go.


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasted a lot of time hoping he would "get it." I finally realized he doesn't, and probably never will. He was always about "family comes first," yet he has no problems walking away from that same family. I have come to the conclusion that his head is so far up his ass that it will take surgical intervention to remove and, alas, that is not going to happen. He will take his denial to his grave, and there will likely be no one at his funeral... sucks to be him!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs, started 1994? - never stopped
Kids - 22, 20, 17
M Dissolved 2013!!!

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare


Posts: 827 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until you start living your own life in integrity and then STOP looking to see what the other person is doing or not doing....you will never get to a place of either of you "getting it".

You have to release the outcome. As boring as that sounds. As much as you read this and think you know better....it really is the answer.

I stopped checking on my then WS, I stopped answering his texts, emails or voicemails, until I went to IC and worked on myself and my own issues I really cound not control or know what he was doing.

At some point it will become clear.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same. Except I do want reconcilliation. And he isn't with the OW. His EA was a catalyst to him realizing he was unhappy in the marriage and instead of working on it, he was a coward and ran away.

I hope one day soon he "gets it" but I guess I can't hold my breath.

My guess, they all eventually "get it". Some fess up and beg for forgiveness, others are too prideful and too much time has passed.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same. Except I do want reconcilliation. And he isn't with the OW. His EA was a catalyst to him realizing he was unhappy in the marriage and instead of working on it, he was a coward and ran away.

I hope one day soon he "gets it" but I guess I can't hold my breath.

My guess, they all eventually "get it". Some fess up and beg for forgiveness, others are too prideful and too much time has passed.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it is sad and depressing to hear that there will likely not be any "aha" moment for "the douche" and there will not be any justice.

I get it. I am working on me. It is hard, I thought I knew this person so well after almost 15 years together. And he is stranger. He is a coward, who is weak, and selfish and who has no idea the pain he has and still is causing ME and the kids.

I am not speaking with him. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I like the one some one siad her WH had about regret vs remorse. He says he has remorse, but he does not. I guess he never will.

I regret that I now have to deal with the mess he has made of our family life. It it is going to be a shit storm.

Emotionally, financially, physically. Everything about my life, and the kids lives is going to change. I am going to have to go back to work. That means the kids will get less of my time, and get to do less activities after school, I am going to be more tired, more exhausted. We probably will have to move. The kids will lose their friends, their security, their stability, their trust. We are going to blow through all of our savings on lawyers and therapists and supporting 2 households instead of one.

And for what? Me and the kids give it all so he can have sex with an old whore in an open marriage that he met in a sex chat room and then "feel in love with?" And apparently he thinks it was worth it, because he is still in this relationship.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 406 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine never got it and he never will. He's never shown an ounce of remorse. It is a very hard and bitter pill to swallow. You just have to get to the place where you accept that it's never going to happen and start to focus on yourself instead of what he is thinking.

I know. Easier said than done .


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1514 | Registered: Aug 2010
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Dday was less than a year ago and so far Ex hasn't been anywhere near "getting it". Not even for a minute.

My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and the affair with my mom's best friend was 15 years ago. Even after watching his only child (me) go through infidelity, he STILL doesn't "get it." It doesn't seem to have even crossed my father's mind that what his daughter is going through is what he put my mother (and other woman) through his whole life. I'm pretty sure that there is nothing that will make my father see the pain and devastation he has caused.

He has never and likely will never acknowledge what he did, not even when he attempted to console me Ex blew up our family. It was rather surreal to have the man who destroyed my FOO to try to console me when my husband destroyed the family I created with him. That is one of the reasons I have no hope that Ex will one day wake up and feel bad about what he has done. It's possible but I don't expect it. He'll likely have many days of feeling sorry for HIMSELF whenever his poor decisions cause him hardship, just like my father, but will continue to be incapable or just unwilling to think about anything from someone else's perspective.

OP, it seems best to expect that they will never get it..PERIOD. If he comes around.. great, but if he does it probably won't be because of anything you said or did.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right there with you. I think he has caused too much damage to ever consider R, but I still want him to get it. I want him to realize how much pain he has caused me and his daughter. He still doesn't see how this is affecting anyone but him.

It's so upsetting and I know everyone is right when they say you have to focus on yourself and just let it go. But how do you get to the point where you can let it go? That is the part I am struggling with so badly.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 41
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