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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: PleaseAny stories on what it takes for them to finally "get it"?
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm certainly not holding my breath for the Gnat to get it. I doubt that day will come.

This did happen to my aunt, about 40 years later. Her WXH up and left her for an OW when she had two, small children. He had no remorse and took her for everything. She was literally left with nothing financially (this was back in the '60's). She went to school though and became a nurse. She never re-married and raised her kids alone as he was a shitty dad too.

The OW he left her for left him a few years later. They had a baby together during that time and my aunt became somewhat friendly with her over the years. They kept in contact for the kids. She said they eventually were able to laugh together about what a complete douchebag he was.

Anyway, a few years ago he called my aunt out of the blue and apologized for everything. Said he never should have left her and that he was sorry he left her in such bad financial shape. He offered her some money. She basically told him to shove it and that she was not interested in his money. He is now in a nursing home with dementia and none of his kids visit him.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 6:29 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 816 | Registered: Mar 2013
Weatherly
♀ Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm what...6 years out now? Something like that anyway. Ex is exactly how he was when he started cheating. He is still the victim, and his life is horrible because of everyone else. Never him. He jumps from woman to woman and job to job. Because nothing ever makes him happy.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4475 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No - my XH is actually further away from awareness the more time goes on. Last week he ran into my brother's wife whom he has not seen since D-day and expected his traditional warm hug from her. He was livid when she refused. Does. Not. Get. It.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trebleclef, your post reminded me about how a good friend of mine saw ex a couple of months ago when they both picked their children up from kindergarten at the same time.

My friend always made an effort with ex and they went clubbing together a few times. Now he wants nothing to do with my ex. When my ex saw him he tried smiling at him to get his attention but my friend point blanked him. Then ex wandered off looking all sad and poor me. As if any of my friends would want anything to do with him now, they only ever speak to my children when ex is there.

He will not ever get it!

It must be a real gift to be able to have such a big ego and be so self-centred.

I do wish he would at least try and fix himself for the sake of our two young children but all I can do is be a brilliant mum to them. And thankfully I am their main carer.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess, they all eventually "get it". Some fess up and beg for forgiveness, others are too prideful and too much time has passed.

This is what I think is the crux of the matter. I'm relatively certain that if I asked my XH if it was all worth it, he'd say it was. But ... internally, scream it wasn't it. However, his big, fat useless fucking ego would demand that he put up the show that he did the right thing by cheating & destroying our M.

I have a handful of friends/acquaintances that have destroyed their M's by having an A (or more). They ALL put up the front that it's all for the best, but reading betwixt the lines, I'm not so sure that they really believe that. But, having gone so far down the path, they're stuck w/the crappy decision they've already made.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom left my dad for the final OM when I was 8yo. She M the OM and eventually cheated on him too.

That was 32yrs ago.

She has, at different times in her life, expressed that she should've picked my dad. Not that what she did in cheating on him, just which one she picked when all was said and done.

Unless a WS looks at their issues (R or D) whatever it is that allowed them to cheat to begin with is still there. They can't even comprehend that doing something they wanted would be wrong.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
foxglove
♀ Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm seven years out, but about three years ago, my XH did apologize for cheating, but he quickly moves toward the same old "but I was really hurting and I didn't feel loved, and that's why I did it". So, he recognizes what he's done and I believe is sorry, but he doesn't really get it. At no point along the way, does he mention my pain or the pain he has caused the kids.


He knows he has done something wrong and is sorry for his actions, but it's still all about him.


Basically, I think the great life he thought he was going to have with the OW didn't work out the way he thought it would, and he is regretful for what he has lost. He lost a loving wife, great kids, a nice home and a comfortable way of life, but doesn't really get that it was all his poor decision making.

I say this very gently, I think on the D forum, you're not going to hear that kind of thing very often.

I've found that the old saying, living well is the best revenge to be the best goal possible.

[This message edited by foxglove at 6:49 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think you are right. This is the Divorce Forum afterall....if these F**Kers were remorseful, maybe you all wouldn't be here right now.

For me, I don't think I would ever R because the damage is too horrific, but I could HEAL better, be a better co-parent for the kids if he showed empathy.

In Divorce counseling, I said you haven't shown remorse and he said, yes, I have remorse.

(Okay, imagine some dramatic movie soundtrack music, get out the flying unicorns, rainbows, and other mythical creatures for this fantasy sequence...) I said, "no, remorse would have been- I am truly sorry for the terrible choices I have made, It is over with her, and I will do anything I have to do to try and make it up to you and our beautiful family. I understand why you might hate me right now, why you locked me out of the house and secured financial assets from joint accounts- because I betrayed you, you don't trust me and you shouldn't be expected to- but hopefully someday I can show you how sorry I am and maybe one day you will forgive me...."

OK EVERYONE, YOU CAN STOP LAUGHING NOW! I know I won't get it, but Damn it! That is what I want!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically, I think the great life he thought he was going to have with the OW didn't work out the way he thought it would, and he is regretful for what he has lost. He lost a loving wife, great kids, a nice home and a comfortable way of life, but doesn't really get that it was all his poor decision making.

This. This. This. I think one of the biggest differences between a wayward who becomes remoreseful and one who NEVER does is their ability to correlate the consequences to their actions!

It's something I thought adults generally could do. I'm having a hard time getting that some people go through life unable to grasp cause and effect when it relates to their actions.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, have spent time with the thoughts posted here.

I, too, have gotten actual "I'm Sorry"'s. I get "I understands".

But, do you know what? They hurt. Rather than act as a bandaid, the words hurt and border on insulting, it feels like I am being mocked, because of the thought that he may have sorrow for all he did but is doing it anyway. He plotted and planned all along and he knew.

He knows he F'd up and is still doing it and he knows how much he is ruining our lives-destroyed our lives completely and forever -and did.not.care.

Yes, he lives now in this vast, barren land of denial with OW and acts very happy, actually. It's like he had a midlife crisis and got stuck in it, he was even going down memory lane last year ...

He downplays it around me, but I've overhead it and witnessed it, an almost maniacal laughter and such a change in personality he is hardly recognizable-it's so juvenile that it helps me detach more.

Yes, he, too is life's proverbial victim and as such blames all of his problems on me, though I'm nowhere to be seen or heard in his daily living now, like Weatherly had to say. He, too, moves from job to job and place to stay varies as he burns bridges.

The karma bus has run him down a few times, but always it's not his fault, in true NPD style.

I'm sorry for your hurt and hard times and we face them too, along with a lot of confusion about being replaced...it is said by most who know the story that OW will eventually be replaced too, because if someone won't fix their problems and just changes people, they won't ever be "happy".


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW will probably never get it either. She lies to her parents, her co-workers, her boss. She takes their sympathy that we've "grown apart" and "want different things". Poor me. Meanwhile she goes to his house every day after work.

The truth is she will struggle financially for quite a while unless she shacks up with her new guy when the house sells. She hasn't handled finances in 9 years. She won't be able to afford the lifestyle she has in mind when she blew up our M. That used to bother me be now it doesn't. I'm done wasting time and burning calories on what she wants and needs. I am working hard to let her go. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But I'm looking forward to my new life. Do the same.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new in this forum. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow.

My WH isn't close to getting it. A couple of weeks back he wanted to R with me, and this was probably our 5th round of back and forth, multiple ddays, and new lies....and he was still cake eating come to find out.

So, maybe its just too soon for him to feel remorse. 2 weeks back he was telling OW they would soon be watching sunsets together, while promising me the world on the same day.

So, I went NC with him.

He sent DD a text 3 nights ago, with a recent photo of he and I together and he wrote "can't stop looking at this photo of me and ur mom". Don't like him doing that, but I ignored it. DD didn't respond to that text. (though she does text him on other stuff)

Which isn't remorse. But I'm sure he is in pain. This is the longest he and I haven't spoken. The longest we have ever gone not seeing eachother.

Its been good for me. Its what I need to move on from him.

So, possibly the only thing that has any serious impact is silence, and filing the papers.

But do it for you.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 12:22 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG it all rings do true! My stbxww has to continually tell me things to justify her A. Like it's all about personality and desire. Stbxww has to tell me and herself that she is a good person. She cannot stop her A-D oft she will fall Apart

Her ego will not let her face reality that cheating is wrong or she will self destruct, poof! So stbxww tells me our M was a mistake

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, have gotten actual "I'm Sorry"'s. I get "I understands".

Same here. These and other crumbs of hope were what kept me in limbo for so long. But my head was buried in the sand. She never "got it." Ever. Her "Sorrys" were for herself, not for the destruction of our family. Her "I understands" meant nothing. I now see that as meaning, "I acknowledge what has happened," not "I understand what I have done."

I think I will always wonder if someday she will "get it." I don't believe she ever will, as it would entail superwoman-like strength to look deep within herself, past the layers upon layers of justification, blame, anger, etc. to her very core of selfishness and remorse.

This would take amazing courage, humility, empathy--and a desire to change. It would take a great deal of time and pain. She is simply incapable, as painful as this is to admit to myself.

I used to think so highly of her; I loved her so much.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I'm not surprised to see there are few to none remorseful spouses here who got it.
Mine is so busy lying to himself and everyone around him he will never ever get it. He's a sad; broken liar.
I only hope my boys don't turn out like him..they spend very little time with him thank God, and never have!
Sad stuff. I think he might actually believe his lies. Sicko.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I am reading a book called the break up bible. THere is a part about this need to get justification and closure. I like this!

"If you are seeking validation from your ex, you are hoping (fantasizing) that he will apologize and take responsibility. That he will tell you he made a huge mistake. That you didn't do anything wrong, it was all his crisis and had nothing to do with you. That he acknowledges he has destryoed the life you shared together, and in turn, ruined your life. That he takes responsibility for hurting your children and shattering their stability. THat his or her affair/addiction/dishonesty/whatever was a huge blunder and should not have happened."

"It is extremely important and necessary to get validation and closure= but chances are you will never get it from your ex."

"You do not need validation or closure from your ex. Attempting to get it is a huge waste of your time and energy. It will make you feel drained and deranged, and will derail your healing. It is completely unnecessary and even dangerous."

"You can get it from friends, family, your therapist and eventually you will get it from yourself." The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be."

So, I guess that sums up where I am. He won't get, and I have to stop needing him to. Check. Got it. Working on it!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post - a lot of this resonates with me - and makes my path a lot clearer. Thank you!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've struggled with this as well. For awhile it mattered tremendously.

Now that I'm finally reaching that nirvana of Indifference, not so much. Do I still hope he gets it at some point? Of course. The difference is that what he does or does not recognize now NO longer matters to me and, more importantly, to my healing. THAT is peace.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4375 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am now 2.5 years from dday. Has WXW 'got it'? I don't know. Sure I have had the tearful apologies and the thinly veiled comments suggesting regret. I believed then and still do that any regret she has is about the impact of all of this on HER.

She has never really faced up to the pain she caused me, and can't ever go there about the kids. Being the good mum is such a part of who she thinks she is that the very idea that she was MIA for over a year while destroying their family is not something she can even think about.

Deep down does she know it? Yeah probably - that's the guilt and shame.

But she lied. She lied to me, to friends, to family, to her own kids. She still does. She cried on their shoulders about the end of her marriage and how hard it all was. One of two of them I think did tell her to STFU. Most didn't. Most bought it. I don't see them now.

However, the truth is I really don't know if she gets it and, more importantly, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to know either - I don't speak to her about these things and I don't ask her friends about it either. I am not interested. I had to work at this - at first it was pure willpower that stopped me, but now its easy - easy because I realised that it makes no difference now.

In many cases I think we will never know just what they think and feel about their actions. They need to protect themselves so construct whatever set of beliefs they need to in order to do that. It is a poor use of our time and emotional energy to speculate on this. Much better to focus on ourselves and on getting to a better place than to dwell on whether or not our waywards finally understand what they have done. Life's too short.


Divorced

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jan 2011
NoTriangles
♀ Member
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am truly sorry for the terrible choices I have made, It is over with her, and I will do anything I have to do to try and make it up to you and our beautiful family. I understand why you might hate me right now, why you locked me out of the house and secured financial assets from joint accounts- because I betrayed you, you don't trust me and you shouldn't be expected to- but hopefully someday I can show you how sorry I am and maybe one day you will forgive me...."

I heard this. Almost verbatim. At the time, I thought I heard the music playing too.

It was all a lie. He was still f***ing her.


Me: Forever Changed
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
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