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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: all kinds of questions
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am finding I have all these questions and instead of filling the forum with multiple posts, I'll just put them all here in one.

1. My WH went looking for an affair. He met a woman who was willing and they actually discussed having an affair and consciously made the decision to do it. They even went so far as to create rules, such as no contacting each other while with their families, no telling anyone, etc. Does this make it worse? As opposed to someone who happened to find themselves in a situation and takes the opportunity. He sought out and created opportunities. I find this harder to forgive then someone who one day finds that they've accidentally crossed an emotional line with a co-worker or friend and it turns into something physical.

2. I think he may try to claim sexual addiction to justify his actions. I don't buy it. If he was a sex addict I feel like this would have happened before. Did he just become a sex addict in the past 2 months? And even if he is a sex addict, that doesn't make his affair ok. Aren't there sex addicts who don't cheat on their wives?

3. I am leaning towards R, but I am afraid he will get impatient with the amount of time it is going to take for me to heal from his betrayals. How do I know that he is committed? How can I tell that he really isn't going to do this again?

3a. I am working on a list of conditions for R. I am listing all the things I expect and need from him. What would you put on your list?

4. this wasn't a long term affair. It was, from the time they first met to today, less than two months. We have now had 2 ddays. I can't help but feeling like this isn't as bad as those of you who found out about affairs that were years long. Does the length, or lack of it, make this less severe?

I know I have more, but I can't think of anything else at the moment. I just hate that he screws up and I'm the one who is hurting, I'm the one who has to pay the price, I became a single mom with one phone call and somehow I still care about him...

your advice and comments are appreciated.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. My WH went looking for an affair. Does this make it worse? As opposed to someone who happened to find themselves in a situation and takes the opportunity.

IMHO, neither situation is better or worse. They have differences but are both horrible and wrong. Also, I think there is an element of "creating the opportunity" whether the WS actively looks for a PA or rides the slippery slope of an EA into a PA. In both instance the WS was open to it. I may not be articulating my thoughts on this well.

[This message edited by Fireflies at 3:49 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3. I am leaning towards R, but I am afraid he will get impatient with the amount of time it is going to take for me to heal from his betrayals. How do I know that he is committed?

I wish I had the answers to these questions. I'm not 100% sure I want to R at this point, but agreed to wait at least a few months before making a decision to R or D. I also agreed to go to MC during this time. WH wants to R and expresses this constantly. I suppose if he becomes impatient with the time it's taking me to heal, that would be a pretty good indicator that he isn't serious about my healing, which is absolutely necessary for R.


3a. I am working on a list of conditions for R. I am listing all the things I expect and need from him. What would you put on your list?

I'm still working on a list of boundaries and consequences for my WH. Right now, I only have some deal breakers established. The BS FAQ section of the Healing Library was very helpful in making this list. The consequences for crossing any of these boundaries are he'll have to move out and R will be off the table. The deal breakers include:

1. He must have NC with his APs. He must tell me if any of them attempt to contact him. And of course no new affairs.

2. He must must be completely honest and open with me. No more lies. He must answer any questions I ask about the As honestly, if I ask him where he is, he better tell me the truth, etc.

3. He has to be completely transparent regarding all of his activities. I have the passwords to his email accounts, facebook, voicemail, etc. I have access to his phone anytime. He cannot delete any emails, texts, voicemails, etc without me knowing before hand.

4. He must attend IC to work on himself and figure out why he would cheat in the first place.

5. He must limit contact with a coworker who helped facilitate the As. No more contact about anything unrelated to work, no more socializing outside of work, no more discussing our relationship with said coworker. The coworker was not a friend to our marriage and if WH is serious about R, he cannot remain friends with the coworker.

There are several other boundaries I feel need to be set, but I'm having trouble coming up with very specific, appropriate consequences for crossing them. I'm interested to read others' feedback on this question.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Nicnac
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like him actively seeking someone to have an affair with makes this worse. He didn't just take an opportunity that happened to present itself. Something within him didn't just give in, it went looking. I guess it just hurts more.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4. this wasn't a long term affair. Does the length, or lack of it, make this less severe?

I don't think anyone can answer this question for you. To quote Nucky from Boardwalk Empire, "We all have to decide for ourselves how much sin we can live with." For some people a single drunken kiss would mean D, for others multiple unprotected encounters with a sex worker could eventually be worked through. I can only share my feelings and thoughts about my WH's As with you.

My WH had both a LTA and a few STAs. My situation is somewhat unique in that his LTA affair started before we were even married - roughly 7 months beforehand. This is something I find difficult to understand because it begs the question, "why did you marry me in the first place?"

He says he always wanted to be with me, never stopped loving me, and has never pictured spending the rest of his life with anyone else. He claims he was generally pretty happy with our relationship. Yet, he was still receptive to the inappropriate attention and flirtations of OW1.

He enjoyed the attention she gave him and encouraged it. For over 2 years the A between WH and OW1 was talking and flirting (she lives near his work). There were no dates or romantic gestures. For WH, the goal was always sex. He says he couldn't bring himself to make the move and cross the line to sex. Instead, he waited for her to do that. Their A then became blow jobs in his car and sex in cheap motels while at work. WH claims he never had any feelings for OW1 despite the length of the A. It was always about stroking his ego and sex for him. Now, some other BS would probably find comfort in his claims that he never loved, or really even liked, OW1. I view things quite differently. He clearly knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew his actions would crush me, destroy our marriage and family, and quite possibly mean D. But he deliberately disregarded me and our family and had the A anyway. He admits this and says he really never believed he'd get caught. He wasn't in some fog where he thought he loved OW1. It was selfishness and arrogance. In this sense, his LTA could be viewed as more like a ST PA or ONS. I see this as worse than an A where the WS thinks they are in love and have met their soulmate. A different BS might feel the opposite is true.

His 4 STA had the same motivations as his LTA. He met the OW at work. He liked the attention the OW gave him and wanted to have sex with them. He never made it past the texting/flirting stage with 3 of these OW (2 of them because he only met them within a week of me finding his secret cell phone and he just didn't have time to close the deal, and the other because she was too "clingy" and he didn't think she'd be able to keep it at just sex). The 4th was a roughly 2.5 month affair. They texted and flirted for about 2 months and then had sex in her apartment 3 times before I found the phone. This affair bothers me just as much as the LTA for the reasons I described above. The timeframe is irrelevant to me.

Sorry that was so long!

[This message edited by Fireflies at 9:07 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like him actively seeking someone to have an affair with makes this worse. He didn't just take an opportunity that happened to present itself. Something within him didn't just give in, it went looking. I guess it just hurts more.

I completely see your point and I think its a valid one. I just view it differently because I feel like whether a WS is actively looking for an A or passively letting it happen, the WS is open to it. That's the bigger issue for me. How it happened is in some ways incidental.

I'm so sorry your hurting, Nicnac. None of this is fair. None of it makes sense. It just sucks.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH actively looked for someone on Craigslist. One of his criteria was that they be married too so it was balanced and the OW would not expect a real relationship. They talked up front about it being casual...

It bothered me that it was premeditated but I see it more like fireflies. And in a way I feel safer with him now knowing that he wasn't looking for someone he already knew because he wanted emotional distance and physical distance. Hard to explain but it makes me more secure. It's all bad though.

I went thru thought processes of what I would be able to accept. In my case if he had enjoyed the sex or cared for her I would have D. We all have different tolerance levels. I for one am possesive and jealous... One thing for me is that I have to feel that he never stopped loving me even during his act of betrayal.

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nicnac

I also agree with your feeling that actively searching this out is worse then reacting to an opportunity they weren't expecting. To be an aggressor to me shows NO REMORSE at all for their actions. They have already made up their mind about how they feel and actively seek out an A to change that.

Someone who responds to a developing situation is a bit different in my books. There was no intent to go out looking, it found them.

I agree that no matter the way an A happens both are horrible. But in my world an aggressor is far worse then just a wayward spouse. If there was evidence that my spouse was an aggressor I would have left his ass on Dday.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sought out and created opportunities. I find this harder to forgive then someone who one day finds that they've accidentally crossed an emotional line with a co-worker or friend and it turns into something physical.

I have struggled with this for almost a year. My WH looked for a ONS on CL that turned into a two year PA. My guess though is if they planned it - the BS thinks THAT is worse. If they didn't - the BS thinks THAT is worse. I could be off but that's my theory.

(HUGS)


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Topic Posts: 9

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