Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: mangorum (44677)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Oh God!
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My whole story is on my profile.

I lost 12 of the most precious years of my life. Thought it was perfect. He said he never believed in cheating and that he hates people who do that sort of stuff. Then WH leaves me... later find out it was for someone else... then find out after recovery started who it was and the duration.

Thought it couldnt get worse Then it happened. I talked to the OW... she told me he DID buy her things when he said he didnt.Everything else was true that he had said. Then it started. I told him that he was still lying to preserve himself with no care for me. He said he'll take a lie detector test for me and show me. Just cried and asked me not to kick him out.

He took the test and failed. Telling me its not admissable in court and that he was telling me the truth. There were NO MORE OW.

I never let it go. I didnt believe him. I pushed and I pushed. He started crying. He said he had 2 one night stands in Dallas when he was gone for work. Then he said that he cant be with me.And kept crying and telling me he's doing me a favor.

I said why and he kept saying Im still selfish. You gave me a second chance and I am an asshole. Still Selfish. He left and called me constantly. Saying he wants to be home but hes just bad. Then he comes home and tells me everything.

He stated that he cheated on me one night with a coworker 6 months after we were married in 2001. He then had an affair that last more than 1 year in 2003 to 2004 while I was pregnant and gave birth to my first child, and got pregnant with a second kid. 6 weeks after the baby he fought with me to go out of town, then said he wanted to seperate and sent me to my mothers. Just so he could take some other hoe out of town on vacation. We had never gone on vacation to this point. He took her out to eat and never once took me. Said it would be too hard with the baby. He called me back after 2 weeks. Said I need to come home. That its his baby too. I came home and continued taking care of the home, working, our newborn and his schizophrenic mother that would constantly thrash me.

Then there was the OW that I knew that last 2.5 years and in between that another woman I didnt know about that he worked with a few times. Also went out of town.

He says he'll take another lie detector test to prove he's telling me the truth. And one every single year for the rest of our life.

But why? Why even want to work it out? How can you say that you didnt love me for 12 years and then when you lost me a year and a half ago you realized you do? How does that work? He says he realized how much he needs me and loves me. Says he cant live without me. But what about my whole 12 years I devoted to him while he even admits he never cared what he did to me. Even after he gave me HPV twice! Second time it developed into cancer.

I need to run... run so far aways. He keeps begging and crying... why? Am I just his toilet to shit in as he pleases. If its over that means from 18-30 I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

God of God why did I get married!


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
hill
Member
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dovetool)))

This is all still about him, huh?! How HE needs you.

Please. Look how he treated you, and how much you "need" him now. FTG.

Too bad, so sad for him. You are worth so much more.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Sep 2006
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If its over that means from 18-30 I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
And if it's over, it means that from 30 - 100 you'll be living a life free of that mistake.

Don't look at what you've invested already. Look at what you still have on the line. Do you want to continue to gamble your life and your children's future with someone who is so callous and selfish with your heart, your children, and has so brazenly risked your health?

Is he a safe bet?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24926 | Registered: Aug 2011
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Listen though, It was not you who was making a mistake. You always did what you thought was right, out of trust and unconditional love.

He is the one that made a decision to throw it all away, again and again. You don't accidentally fall into some whore's vagina. He made no mistake, he did whatever the hell he wanted at the expense of you and his family. That's not a mistake, that's intentional.

So, do not call what you did a mistake either, ever. You loved and trusted.

This needs to be about you, only you and your children.

He nearly killed you, the mother of his children, with his lies. Make sure you continue to get tested. He made his decisions, and took away your choices. He has a very LONG way to go before you could ever, ever, trust him again.

If your gut screams run, then do so.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, what's done is done. Yes, marrying him was a mistake but we all make mistakes. It's what we do once we realize our mistake that really matters.

You're young and wise and awesome and you can make a life without him. Something wonderful is waiting for you--go find it.

Peace.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 635 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((dovetool)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7293 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've done nothing wrong but love with your heart and believe the person who you are supposed to trust.

I would suggest not listening to his tears. They really are meaningless, are they not? He talks about how much HE needs you, not about what HE will do to EARN a place in your life. Very telling. He may not want "you", he simply doesn't want his cushy little life to change.

Tread carefully.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6355 | Registered: Jan 2011
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all!

Im just so confused. I feel so weak even considering giving him a second chance.My kids were finally back to normal and happy. He's done things for me that he never did.
I thought we had a great life before too though but I now can look back and see how one sided it was through the 12 years.

Was it my fault because I continued to accept his mediocrty? Made him feel like I was not going anywhere?

He keeps telling me he finally told me to show me that he was trying to make a change and give me what I want which is full disclosure.

He said that he didnt tell me everything because he kept thinking to himself that the past doesnt matter. He cant change it but he can change himself now. If he tells me he was going to hurt me even more.He justified till yesterday and now I back at square one.

I'm just so confused. So hurt, it hurts physically.Im just waste to someone that meant so much to me. A live in housekeeper, babysitter, roomate and whore.Just a fucking tool for him. God I regret it so much right now and at the same time I still have hope. How sick am I?


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe there are people who have righted a lifetime of wrongdoing. But it takes a lot of time and a lot of work. It's a major life and personality change.

Maybe look into working on yourself, first. Maybe you are codependant or some such thing. I would recommend YOU become your primary focus, and him and the marriage secondary.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6355 | Registered: Jan 2011
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're young and wise and awesome and you can make a life without him. Something wonderful is waiting for you--go find it.

THIS^^^

It is your choice. This disrespectful treatment stops when you say it does. You have the power.

Your children are young. You are young. I am sorry to say that this guy is damaged goods.

How could he cheat on you the whole time you were married, while you were having his kids... Sorry but he is a douche'.

Whatever you do, please focus on you and your babies. Try to shelter them from the chaos your WH thrives in.

Please, please protect your precious heart.

(((((Dovetool)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is if you take him back, once he is comfortable, he will start cheating again. He is a serial and opportunistic cheater. When away from you he has no boundaries when it comes to other women. ONS or co-workers he is up for whomever.

Your kids are settling down, you have adjusted to a new future, sweetie, don't look back now. File, if he is serious about doing the work, you can always slow the D down, but don't stop it right away. He needs to do more than confess to get his family back. Until he can show you positive long term change, don't risk your next 15 years.


edited for spelling

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:54 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2936 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moment in time is right (((dovetool))). Every thing that she said. This man wants you to let him back into the house because he feels as if he is now losing this game that he has been playing. You have finally called his bluff. Good for you!!

You are a strong woman. You don't know how strong yet but you are. Since your children are still young and you have many, many good years left. Perhaps you can even find someone else. . . someday. Please think about yourself and work on you. Be strong, we are here for you.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry, Dovetool,

I lost 12 of the most precious years of my life.

I too think this way. It's normal and natural. But I try not to see it that way. There was no way we could have known what would happen after so many happy years. They changed. We didn't. We will never forget the good times, as painfully clouded as they are by infidelity. Much life and happiness awaits.

All the best...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double Post

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:18 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my

I am so sad for you. I just read your whole story on your profile and it makes me so sad.

I don't like to suggest to others that my story may be theirs but in your case I feel I have to.

Briefly, I am 57 years old. A long time ago (maybe 25 years?) I caught my FWH in another woman's house. He gaslighted me, cried, begged forgiveness, swore they were "just friends", he loved only me and would never do it again!

In 2010 I found out that he had never stopped cheating. You can read my story in my profile.

I was about 32 when I found out about the first one. After that our M was good for a while and then he became an abusive pig. I stayed "for the children" and because I always hoped that things would get better. They didn't. Mostly I think because he had his OWs to tell him how wonderful he was and so didn't need to make an effort with his family.

I sincerely hope that when you are in your late 50s you don't look back to now and wonder "What if....?"

There are no guarantees in life. You could stay with him and life could be wonderful or he could continue to cheat and be better at hiding it.

If you head down to "Betrayed Men" you will see that there are REAL men out there who base their lives on values like integrity, fidelity and honesty.

I wish I had left my FWH 25 years ago and found one of them instead of being where I am now.

I am not trying to tell you to do this. I just want you to think carefully.

From what you've written both here and in your profile he is a selfish pig. Do you really think he will change?

BIG HUGS

Laura



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2744 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Dove, I guess he thinks since he finally came clean and was 'honest' with you, that he somehow deserves your forgiveness as payment for his good deed.

As the others have said, I think when this much damage has been done, sometimes it's just best to fold your hand and walk away from the table.

I honestly believe that you'll spend the rest of your marriage always feeling insecure, always afraid, always wondering, and always doubting him. And with his history, how could you NOT?

But do YOU deserve to live that way forever? Always wondering, always afraid, never secure?


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:47 AM, August 30th (Friday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Painfuljourney
♀ Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bottom line this is up to you. But you are young, you have more life to live. Do you want to do this for 10 more years? Let this be a learning experience. We all have them, no it wasn't a waste of your life.

A factor in all this I think is his schizophrenic mom. He sounds totally messed up, maybe that is why? He needs to figure out his shit. It's not your fault.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
Warninglight
♂ New Member
Member # 40507
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont waste the next 12 years. Serial cheater... Please dont wait for the next dday.


WIfe email EA. DDay 03-0-2013 758A OM was a half literate hillbilly ex.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: E US
Hope2B
♀ Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he didnt tell me everything because he kept thinking to himself that the past doesnt matter.

Golly, this crap just BUGS me! It's like people who say this expect a free pass for bad behavior!

"The past doesn't matter, we can start fresh from here" is said to pacify people and not deal with things (reminds me of a couple school administrators when they didn't want to deal with their special revered employee-personal friend being caught in lies).

YES, the past and past actions matter, and the person doing it should be held accountable to the person who's been wronged!

People should beheld accountable, have consequences, and at the very least, I'd like to see some instant karma now and then!

Just from reading your post, my thoughts are that he won't change his behavior, and you already know he lies and cheats. You deserve better, but you have to get to a point where you can make the best decision possible for yourself and your future.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 6:06 PM, August 30th (Friday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 353 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ask why you got married? For the same reason I did and everyone else in this mess! Don't give up on marraige . I wanted to be married for as long as I could remember I believe in marraige and compromise sure you and I and everyone on this site are far from perfect but whatever religion you took your vows in ,they say the same things ! I have been to a Guyanese wedding a kabala wedding a philipino wedding and more , all the same bottom line better or worse sick or poor etc. you did nothing wrong and your husband is f--ked up . Concentrate on you now let him cry. You are better than that and I don't even know you but I know my cheating stbxw and all the cheaters are in the same boat ! So I feel your pain but I never got a chance to fix anything . mine had an exit affair with no remorse at all ! Not for one second like I meant shit for 18 yrs since we were kids! I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose just read a little about the lies that they all say and the signs they all give it is scary how they are the same. Choose wisely All the best And I am so sorry you are here.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 627 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 20

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.