I continue to hurt her with my lies. I know it's wrong to lie to her and yet I held on to this one. I cannot believe I considered this one small and inconsequential. How stupid and utterly selfish of me.
I think she's really done and I cannot blame her. I feel so sad and angry with myself for continuing to do this. I wish I knew the real reason I didn't come clean when asked several times. I see the hurt and pain and rage it causes. I can only imagine I too selfish and protect myself when doing so. I cannot look any lower. WTF? I need help but cannot afford more than weekly IC sessions. Of course that's not gonna help if I don't come clean to her too. I told my IC that last time that I felt I would be judged. What the fuck happened in my past that makes this an issue.
I'm so down and lost all hope of R. My own fault.
Just trying to get a clear understanding.
This came out because she really doesn't buy that I've stopped talking to AP. I have but again, cannot blame her for not believing me. She was checking my statements for a purchase of additional talk time on the phone I bought to hide the affair. I didn't get rid of my phone for several months after NC.
Do you figure, "oh I have this ticket, now things are going good, I can cancell it wheneves, no rush right now" etc.? Then forgot to mention during the time everything was being discovered? How could something that BIG, become forgotten? Dismissed, I understand, forgotten, I'm not buying. This coming from a person who at times forgets her own name and birthday.
[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 6:54 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
Also, is everything out now? I mean everything. If she asked if you ate a cheeseburger for lunch, did you tell her you had chicken? You gotta get it alllllll out on the table. Each TT will absolutely slay her and take her back to Dday all over again.
How about a timeline? Have you considered that? It will help with the details and "leaving stuff out" issue. Get every single bit of it on paper so your GF has something solid to look at and process.
Just a thought.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Forget trying to think for her. She has her own brain, thank you very much and you'll be damn surprised at what SHE truly thinks is fucked up or not. I made the same poor decisions as you. Holding back out of fear or because I *knew* what my BH's response would be. Look at my sig line TT. Don't be like me and let it drag out that long.