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User Topic: Anyone but me
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AP could have been anyone but me. That is so freaking painful. Anyone.But.Me. It was exciting, new, he enjoyed the chase, she was different, variety. I've given him EVERYTHING I have to give, but all he wanted was someone that wasn't ME. How on EARTH do you get over the hurt in that?

Now he's all "you don't know what you have until it's gone" Really? That's what you've got after throwing me in the garbage for anyone that wasn't me?

Honestly, do you EVER get over this??

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the exact same for me. It could have been anyone but me. That has got to be the most ego busting experience I can imagine. I'm getting the same didn't know what I had blah blah blah. Gee, how comforting.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel it too and it sucks.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.

Posts: 553 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may have been Anyone. But. You. But it was because He. Is. Broken. Not you. Him.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are here. I don't know as a WS if I should respond but your post touched something in me. I know from a year of therapy and just talking with my BS the damage that the A has caused. And then to put in the perspective that you have really hits another nerve. From a lot of reading on here I think WS's do treat their BS's just like this.

It can be an anyone but you situation. Anyone that doesn't know the real WS. That doesn't see their everyday bullshit. And only gets the good that the WS choses to share. And it is a choice. A WS choses to have an affair.

I sorry if none of this helps or makes sense. And I guess there really isn't anything I can say to make it better for you. I do know that my BS and I have made some real progress in our marriage. But as we talked about last night. Its still there. Everyday it may get a little better. But I'm not sure it ever goes away. I hope for you and my BS and every BS on this site it does. But it is up to the WS to make sure that it never happens again. And to love their parnter better than they ever had before.

I wish I could give you better words of incouragement and maybe give you some logical reasons for why these happen but I don't know if I even have them for myself yet. Good luck and best wishes

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel and spent much time lost in anguish over thoughts like this...

I have recently gotten past this as we have both come to truly understand that this was all about him and not us. It's a new realization which I hope sticks with no regression.

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 cheated after 32 years of M with CL moneygrubbing whore
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a dumb statement for a WS to say. Of course the AP could've been anyone but you. You're his wife. I think at first it probably is fun and all that crap, but sooner or later reality creeps in. Once reality hits them, it's not any of those things anymore.

What do you mean all he wanted was someone that wasn't you?? "You don't know what you have until it's gone." Maybe he understands what he has done to you and your M. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Are you doing the 180? I find it helps, I still go back to it. I may be wrong but give yourself everything.

I myself do not believe the hurt ever goes completely away. I think it hurts less and some days it still hurts a lot. Trigger days are the worst.

It does get better and there are actual days when I don't think about it at all. Time helps alot but sometimes it takes willpower to get through the day.


Posts: 797 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I struggle with is why [bold]her[/bold]? What made her so special? The answer is basically what you are saying. She isn't special. She could've been anyone. Anyone under the sun that gave him the time of day. Anything walking breathing and put him on a pedastal would do. Except his wife of course.

Me BW 40
Him WH 34
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 10 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA&PA

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40178
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been on here long enough to give advice, but your post touched me. I'm so sorry for you, praying for you.

Me-BS 45
Him-WS 45
Married 14 years
1st D-Day August 2009
TT for 4 year
More Affair info August 2013

The wound keeps getting broke open each time he tells me more "truths"

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never seen it worded that way but your absolutely right. I felt that way too when my ws reason was...cuz it was something new and different basically it wasn't old, ordinary me.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates

Posts: 3986 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about getting OVER that kind of pain. I do know about getting PAST that kind of pain.

Forward thinking

Each of these has been vital to me moving past the trauma. For me, my faith is also on that list, but since we're not a political or "dangerous topics" forum, I'm just mentioning it.

In the beginning (which I count just about as the first year after DDay) I sometimes could only keep myself going for an hour at a time. Just one hour. I'll keep a grip and get through this next hour.

I also vowed to myself that I would do one thing each day, just one thing, that was either good for me, or got me one step closer to healing, or helped me through the divorce process, or was a positive change. Just one thing, even if it was minor. I spent so many years cowering and hiding so I wouldn't be abused, it is still a struggle for me to take steps and keep myself moving in a forward direction.

I'm finding that getting past the trauma, past the pain, past the ugliness and the raw wounds, that's helping me get over it.

There is no way out of hell but to go through it one step at a time.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 8787 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like a book said-they want A BMW (Anyone But My Wife)

Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed

Posts: 1666 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can be an anyone but you situation. Anyone that doesn't know the real WS. That doesn't see their everyday bullshit. And only gets the good that the WS choses to share.
That you for sharing that scream. That's actually very comforting to me.

me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
♀ Member
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really felt much the same way.

He had told me for years the following.

"Women over 40 are lucky anyone touches them" (said when we were in our 20's and 30's).
"Women that are 20 pounds over weight or more are lucky anyone touches them".

He got those attitudes from his father.

I gained about 25 pounds in my thirties and noticed that he quit saying those things.

He always told me that he didn't give compliments, and I learned to live without them.

He had his A at about 60 and I found out he was giving compliments to all kinds of women, different ages, different sizes, different looks, everyone it seemed, but me. Seems that he did give compliments to women, just not his wife. He was telling women they were awesome, hot, exciting, etc. When guys on different forums posted pictures of women in various stages of undress, he would post that he would hit that. A certain woman on his motorcycle forum that posts nude shots of herself, he would tell her he would do things to her so well. Then came the woman on the internet that he was sexting. They had huge emails each telling the other how they loved each others bodies and what they would do to each other. He had made so many compliments on her body it was disgusting. The only thing he has ever said about my body is that I was hot when he met me but I got messed that up (makes me feel really attractive). He quit looking at my body and only looked at others on the internet. He didn't touch my body except when during sex and foreplay was all about him, not me.

I had a really difficult time after the A. I had always been told by others that I was attractive and didn't look any where near my age. We had always done activities like hiking backpacking etc and was in good shape with just a few pounds over until I had a medical condition which caused me to gain about another 60 pounds. Even with other peoples opinions, I focused on his opinion and how I was the worst looking woman ever. I was the most ugly, awful woman in the world. Any other woman out there was so much better than me.

It has taken a lot of work to change my attitude about myself. I now see that it was so many different factors in him that made him judge me and other woman at that time as he did. It had nothing to do with me at all. He was wanting the other women to fill the holes within him.

me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 13

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