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User Topic: His chats w/my cousin (female)
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He and my cousin seem to be on FB at the same time throughout the day.
He just went upstairs to put our daughter to bed and well he all of a sudden is online after 1hr, then all of a sudden so is my cousin after about an hr.
I know he's talked to her in past and she has even told me he's called her.
She is married with new boobs lost a lot of weight and as he puts it is perfect size.
She looks awesome.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
What do I do w/out him/her thinking I am absolutely nuts???????????????????


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who cares if they think you are nuts? He had an affair. That tends to make BS's a little nuts.

He has no right to be talking to any females. He lost that privilege when he had an affair. No friendships with the opposite sex. NONE. That is a requirement for us to reconcile and I know it is a requirement for many others here. Also, if FWH had a FB account, that would be gone, too. That is also a requirement for reconciliation many here have made.

Why is he online for an hour talking to your cousin instead of talking to you?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have access to all his online accounts. After the A, it's a good way to prove trustworthiness and add a much needed element of transparancy to the marriage.

I'm not clear on whether you've caught them talking or whether they just both seem to be logged in at the same time but it may be good to log into his account and have a look around.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Angry  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just saw her Sunday and she said he calls her and asks what do you think your cousin (me) wants. Does she still want me (him) this has been in the past when I first thought it was a hooker he got a bj from and have been pissed at him for the last 3yrs. Come to find out it's the OW he had been seeing from work.
Now it seems he and my cousin chat regularly on FB. I could be crazy, but it's just too coincidental. (sp?)
Fuckin PRICK.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no haven't been able to bring up the full transparency with him.
I don't feel he's on board with true reconciliation.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just uneasy with anything related to what you posted heathenchristian.

I would be uneasy if my fWW was chatting regularly with any other man except for her Dad at this point. WS need ultra firm boundaries with regards to interactions with the opposite sex for a long time after getting out of the adultery frame of mind. For the record, my wife shares my firm view on this as well. She feels very uncomfortable around other men on a one on one basis.

The fact that she is a cousin doesnt make it any different. The fact he comments on how she looks makes it that much worse.

I am sorry for your anxiety. As a BS I am very bias...but you are not nuts and this is reason for anxiety.

I wrestled with anxiety before my wifes affair. I have since learned anxiety is not all bad....it serves a vital function. Healthy anxiety alerts you to the fact that something is not right and that danger is close by.

Your short post indicates to me that you recognize what your husband is doing is not right.

I pray your husbands heart opens up and that he can move into a position where he, on his own, can recognize the difference between constructive and destructive behaviors.

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know what they are posting about online? Are you able to look or is it deleted?

If it is deleted, I would dig further. I think you can recover the messages on Facebook.

You are not nuts. Cousin or not, he should be talking to you, not her. I wouldn't care what she thinks.

Hugs!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jun 2012
WaryOptimist
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a keylogger on that computer asap.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't matter what they are talking about. It is inappropriate under the best of circumstance.

If he hasn't voluntarily chosen transparency, and has strict boundaries in place not to be communicating with other females, then this isn't reconciliation.

It isn't.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's usually on his phone and he has a history eraser on his phone. I have no passwords.
He swears there is nothing going on. Like I told him, he's lied to my face before so how can I believe him.
He wants to know how I could think my cousin would do something like that to me.
We didn't go to bed until about 3:30am


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he left for work and about 10min later he seems to be on line and then so does she
just looked and she's been off for 4 min and he's been off for 3min
so I just find it odd, it always seems to be that way.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to know how I could think my cousin would do something like that to me.

My X had an A with his OWN cousin while she and he kids were staying in my house. For 4 months I thought I was crazy because there was no way that my X would have an A with his own cousin. I was not nuts and they did indeed have an A despite the family connection.

That fact that he erases phone history is a red flag. The fact that he does not buy into transparency is a red flag. The fact that he blameshifts and makes you feel badly because you are suspicious is a red flag.

If I were you I would 1) thank your cousin for trying to help but ask her to step back while you work thru transparency issues with WH; 2) Tell WH that chatting with any woman, regardless of who she is, is making you anxious given his history of cheating. Then if the chatting continues then you know that both of them have completely disregarded your feelings and that they are both disrespecting you.

I am sorry for your pain.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17683 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you at all close with your cousin?

I don't know your family dynamics, but all I would have to do is tell my cousin: "Hey, I might sound ridicluous, but WH has been having an issue with honesty in the past. I know you're my family, but I would really appreciate it if you and WH weren't having private chats and phone conversations. If he tries to call/message you, please let me know." My cousin would become my spy and let me know of any foul play. But then again, I know that not all family members are as loyal.

As for him...put a keylogger on the computer, and see if all the chats are saved or deleted.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't pay attention to his words, they are a distraction.

Do you not see how his swearing nothing is going on is invalidated by the fact that he is engaging in inappropriate behavior?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's certainly doing a lot that makes him look like a lousy candidate for R.

since he's still in his over-entitled fantasy, I suspect he'll think you're nuts no matter what you do.

The first thing I think you need to do is to stop caring about what he thinks. You need to be yourself. You need to be clear about your wants and needs. If he can't or won't help you and support you, you need to build up the strength to dump him.

You need to put him on the spot WRT basic R requirements - NC, IC with a goal of becoming a great partner to you, MC, honesty, transparency. Since he's not transparent and not honest, I fear his IC goals are problematic, too.

Communicate that he's not in R until he meets the very basic requirements. Communicate every way you can that you're not going to commit to R until after he shows for several months that he's doing the work of R.

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him!

He's way off base with all this stuff with your cousin. I'm incline to think the best way to handle it is to tell him you're uncomfortable, ask him to stop, and if he does anything other than stop right then, file for D.

He's just unable to see the real world. Filing may clear his vision. If it doesn't, you'll need to get away from him.

JMO, of course.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your support it is great to hear encouraging words.
((((HUGS TO ALL))))

Honestly all of our problems revolve around my size. We discussed this last night.

He says he knows I'm not a project like a car but he still seems to want to customize me. (in his words)

He is very vain and materialistic. I have never been either.
He says he doesn't want to show me affection outside the bedroom because he doesn't want me to think that he is ok with my size.

I'm not ok with my size. We both have or use different terms in where I want to be in size.

He's got a certain number in mind and I want to be healthy and not overweight (according to BMI) I am currently considered obese which does bother me.

He realizes this thinking may be wrong, but at the same time doesn't want to let go of it because it's what makes him happy.

He is getting info from his insurance to make appt with IC.

BTW - Again last night he told me I am the best sex he's ever had. He says I am just really good at it.

He also said that OW didn't do much of nothing. I also asked if he had Viagra and he said yes. I saw an authorization from insurance that he was approved to get it. He's never had to use it with me, but did with her.

I mentioned this to my cousin when I saw her last and she said well that's kind of a good thing. I guess.

He has some male issues like low testosterone and urination issues. I kind of think he is going through a midlife crisis of some sort because of all the health issues.
About a yr ago he started dying his hair & gotee. And now he's trying to grow his hair out because he was never allowed to do it when he was growing up.

He grew up in the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist environment.
So I know he has lots of issues from childhood. I've tried to be there for him in the past with his issues from childhood and he knows it because he said I have been the only one that has ever stuck up for him.

Doesn't excuse his A.

[This message edited by heathenchristian at 4:04 PM, August 30th (Friday)]


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly all of our problems revolve around my size. We discussed this last night

No, they don't.
Your problems have to do with him behaving in a disrespectful, inappropriate manner, and you making excuses for him.

He says he doesn't want to show me affection outside the bedroom because he doesn't want me to think that he is ok with my size.

He promised to love you forever when you two got married. He didn't promise to love you only if you fit into a certain jean size, or only if your boobs were a certain cup size. He should love you regardless, and his behavior is deplorable.

He's got a certain number in mind and I want to be healthy and not overweight

It shouldn't matter what HE wants you to look like.

What matters is how YOU want to look!!!

He should love you, and treat you respectfully regardless. That is absolutely ridiculous!!!

He realizes this thinking may be wrong, but at the same time doesn't want to let go of it because it's what makes him happy

Read this. Really read this.

He realized his thinking might be wrong (disrespectful to you, hurtful, inappropriate). But refuses to let it go because it makes him happy (even though it is hurtful to you and you're not happy).

That is selfish to the 1000000000th degree. I don't even know what to say.

he had Viagra and he said yes

He has some male issues like low testosterone and urination issues

he has lots of issues from childhood

It sounds like he has a lot more issues than having a few pounds to lose. He should focus on his own stuff and leave you (and your weight) alone.

What a jerk!


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is selfish to the 1000000000th degree. I don't even know what to say.

I agree and we argue about it. This is a deep seeded issue of his. It could be our deal breaker the more I think about it.


He promised to love you forever when you two got married. He didn't promise to love you only if you fit into a certain jean size, or only if your boobs were a certain cup size. He should love you regardless, and his behavior is deplorable.

In total agreement. For better/worse, sickness/health, richer/poorer.

My X had an A with his OWN cousin while she and he kids were staying in my house. For 4 months I thought I was crazy because there was no way that my X would have an A with his own cousin. I was not nuts and they did indeed have an A despite the family connection.

He had an ex gf screw his cousin. Plus he has cousins who had an affair.

It sounds like he has a lot more issues than having a few pounds to lose. He should focus on his own stuff and leave you (and your weight) alone.

Yes he does and his past GF's even from young age have all hurt him (these were the size he liked type) and the ones that are not the type are the ones that have been there for him.
I however am the only one he proposed to. Which I find odd b/c I was not the size he has in mind when he asked or when we got married.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is merely my opinion, but the fact he thinks your cuz is hot bc she lost weight, has big boobs and spends 1 hr chatting on fb...fooly boy has no sense of boundaries. He still has a ws head, not one who wants to r. Your cuz may be thinking she is chatting with a family member but he is more than just a family member. He proved he is a liar and cheater and therefore cannot be trusted.

He has to win back your trust. Chatting online with a hot chick is not winning back your trust. Its even worse he honed in on your family member.

Im suprised her h hasnt said anything about the fb chats with your wh.

Eta: I just read that part about your weight. Do you realise what he is doing is a form of abuse. He is beating you down emotionally and doing it under the guise of "im doing what is best for you". Its a way to control you. Abuse again How do I know? I live with one of those sob's. You know what? Under his urging of losing weight youre going to make yourself sick and not lose weight. He is orobably also using this bullshit as an excuse to cheat.

F him and his midlife crisis. He has no right commenting on your size or anything about you....especially since he needs to sweep off his own porch!

If your cousin knows about the affair and is still chatting with him, your cousin also has boundary issues Again, does her h know what they are doing?

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 5:01 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8384 | Registered: Sep 2007
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not even sure they are chatting on FB. I just see that they are on line (little green dot indicates active for chat) at same time and seem to be off at the same time for same amount of time. I could just be obsessing and driving myself nuts. Like know she's been off line 48 min/WH 55min.


@ sullymeishadomi

Im suprised her h hasnt said anything about the fb chats with your wh.
does her h know what they are doing?

She did say her H said that my WH statements about how hot she is is inappropriate and especially in front of me. I don't know if her H knows about chats on FB but he has asked her who she was talking to in past when my WH has called her. Supposedly my WH was asking her what she thought I wanted and if I still loved him or not.

He is beating you down emotionally

I have told him this, we have discussed this several times. He just said to me the other night that he knows people are not like cars/motorcycles. However he has this need to fix things and make them (in his mind) better looking, customized.
My cousin had breast implants about 3yrs ago after she lost about 80lbs. She is just as vain as he is.

Under his urging of losing weight youre going to make yourself sick and not lose weight.

I started losing weight before the A was revealed. He didn't notice, but my cousin did & she said something in his presence about my weight loss. He almost looked surprised. She has done/said things showing she is on my side. He is so focused on all the bad stuff (he's admitted that it's easier to remember the bad than the good) that he didn't even realize I quit smoking for almost 2yrs. She defended me on that one as well as my Aunt (her mom).
Started back up in Aug/Sept 2010 when he revealed that he had gotten a BJ from a hooker(wasn't hooker, was the OW)
I'm working on quitting again.


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
Topic Posts: 22
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