I love the simple saying. A miracle is simply a change in perception.
Rather than tasking your wife with making a decision understand you have that choice as well.
I can't imagine how hard it would be to open myself up to someone that betrayed me. I can't because I didn't. I knew that the amount of trust needed as well as the safety required for that act to occur was beyond my marriage with my ex. Didn't exist. Never existed.
Once I understood that my course was clear...for me and therefore for us as a couple.
I'm not condemning him to a life sentence of vigilance and retribution for all his past choices nor am I inflicting my imperfect healing on him thus potentially limiting his growth and chance to have a fresh set of eyes observe the man now without the baggage hologramed on to him.
Your wife's responses may be very understandable. Your frustration with them also understandable.
Either there can be a shift in perception or the dance continues with both partners seeing the other as the reason for their own movements.
You can have understanding and empathy for her pain. Acknowledge your responsibility for your role in the cause while choosing a different path.
A marriage that is celibate, unless both partners want that, is a recipe for disaster.
It's not about blame. It's simply sustainability.
Fear can paralyze. It can also alert the person feeling it that there is a real threat and they need to get themselves to safety. When facing a true life threatening event your body usually makes that decision for you by running or fighting. If its more subtle you have to make the choice no matter how hard it can be or risk staying and fighting not just the "enemy" but yourself as well.
Long way to my point. Sometimes the mere understanding you have a choice and staying every day is an active choice brings some stability and frees your mind to explore possibilities not entertained previously due to the internal struggle.
It can also bring clarity that what once was is no longer viable.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth