If your were the BS and you have/had a new partner and your children hated the new partner would you end the relationship?
If there is jealousy involved (such as feeling they are losing time with me) then that is an issue that needs to be worked out with the child. I would not drop a partner though if it was just because the child did not want me to date.
I have a right to some happiness in this life. It is my job to raise my child, keep them safe, teach them how to get by in this world, teach good values and be a good role model. However, I feel that it is dangerous to give a child too much power over my own happiness and life. When my kids turn 18, they leave home and go on to college. They move on and I am stuck with whatever life I've built while they were with me. If I've built a satisfactory life, then the empty nest syndrome won't be as excruciating. I don't want my children feeling guilty when they leave me alone and I also want to teach my children they have a right to pursue some happiness, even after they become parents.
I think it is dangerous to give too much power to a child. It messes up the natural order of thing and I think it tends to raise entitled/narcissistic people.
So again, it really depends on their reasoning.
I had my ex throw at me "if you had a man the kids didn't like you wouldn't just dump them" . My reply of course I would my kids are my top priority. He told me that was BS basically. He has recently run off and married OWupteen and didn't tell the kids till after it happened and then announced it on fb and can't understand why the kids don't feel important to him. There is a million more reasons this is only one of them.
The kids hate the OW, they insist on having nothing to do with her and yes she is mean to them. Has no understanding (neither does the ex) of our special needs child and his issues.
I then had a co-worker who I was discussing the issue with and she said there is no way she is putting her life on hold for her kids. They have to deal with it and if they don't like a partner then that is too bad for them.
My kids have been put through the wringer the ex is NPD. I am the stable parent and have to prove to them that they come first every time. I have to sacrifice everything including my own needs to make them happy. To me that is what parents do.
I want to put them first, how do you get a right balance because I am of the opinion they come first and my life should be put on hold until they feel happy and secure. I am not looking at dating right now but don't even feel it is within the realm of possibility with my youngest son's special needs and my alone time is almost non-existent.
I also told him that just because he didn't like someone didn't mean I would quit dating them but I would consider what he had to say. I also told him if there was ANY sort of physical or verbal abuse I would dump who ever it was instantly.
There was more to the conversation but I wanted him to know be very confident that I would listen to him and his opnion counted. However, I didn't want to be manipulated by a teen who didn't happen to like the world that day.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
...didn't tell the kids till after it happened and then announced it on fb and can't understand why the kids don't feel important to him.
I, too, have a special needs kiddo, and it does complicate matters. I hesitate, however, to agree that your life has to be put on hold completely.
I personally would not be a good mom if I didn't take care of myself, and that includes recharging, socializing, and doing things that feed my soul. I'm not dating and have no immediate plans along that front, but I do make a point of scheduling time with my friends, time alone, and time doing things I enjoy. I think it's important not only for myself, but for my kids as well.
((((Bluebird & littles))))
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I am the stable parent and have to prove to them that they come first every time. I have to sacrifice everything including my own needs to make them happy. To me that is what parents do.
It is important (actually, I feel crucial) that part of the stability we DO need to provide is showing that we are stable enough to take care of our own selves. Even if they have total whackjobs for the other parent, they still need discipline and boundaries. They still need to be told no sometimes. They still need to earn their own "wants". And they need to understand and accept that we have a right, as parents and plain old human beings, to have friends, partners, dates, and fun ourselves. Obviously not to the exclusion of spending time with our children....they do need to know we have unconditional love for them and that we enjoy spending time with them also, but it needs to be tempered and balanced.
I see so many threads on here where people are EXWS bashing about their choice of relationships (me included), or they are selfish, or them not putting their kids first. However, I do put my kids first, even before my own needs/wants and apparently I am raising children who are going to be NPD or controlling or co-dependent. If I put myself first I am selfish. I just don't get it.
I am incredibly strict with my children they don't get what they want 100% of the time. They have to work for the things they want. I do provide what they need as needs are essential. They have to do chores, they have perform to a high level at school to keep doing their sports and outside activities.
I really don't understand how I can have my own life, when I have my kids 28 days a month. The ex refuses to take any responsibility, refuses to help at all.
My schedule is up at 5:45am, take my youngest to his before school carer, be at work by 7:15am work till 4pm, then ds therapy appointments or oldest ds afterschool sport training & travel (sometimes up to an hour each way travel), generally home by 7pm, dinner then they do homework, the kids do their chores and get themselves organised for school the next day. They go to bed. I then study, do housework, then off to bed by 10pm (if I'm lucky) and rinse, lather, repeat.
On weekends that I am kid free (maybe once a month) I will try and meet up with friends, normally have to help my mother who is house bound and then do some study or errands.
Whilst it might sound like i'm making excuses but it's the truth I just don't have time for a life right now. I also think it would be incredibly difficult to meet anyone and sustain any type of relationship, it's hard enough maintaining friendships. Maybe once my youngest is a bit older and hopefully a bit more independent things will get a bit easier for me.
I honestly don't get it, how am I supposed to do it all without hurting people I love.
A lot of it is trial and error, and finding what works for you and your family. And I'm not saying not to put your children first....I'm just saying make sure you have some type of life that is your own, even if it is just a half hour a day to do something you really enjoy, like read, take a bubble bath, take a walk, etc....whatever you can fit in.
I worry that sometimes because of the pain of finding ourselves single and the guilt we feel over the children having to deal with split up parents, sometimes we may throw our entire lives into our kids and ignore taking care of ourselves.
That being said how do you balance your life then?
I'm learning I can be a good, strong, stable role model and a good parent and still date, have a hobby, and read a book once in a while....
I guess I want to be able to do it all and there aren't enough hours in the day for it all sigh....
While I strive for balance in my life-sometimes it looks more like keeping the pendulum from swinging to far from one side to the other.
He has recently run off and married OWupteen and didn't tell the kids till after it happened
He is with the OW. He has no right to erven try to compare his life with yours. The OW deserves for your kids to hate her and he has no right to expect his children to like her. He should try earning back his children's respect before he makes any demands on them.