Shortly after Dday we got new wedding bands - cheap ones but engraved with "I promise" on the inside. I just couldn't stand the thought of his old one touching her. I personally think waiting and getting nice bands then renewing them would be perfect - maybe on our 20th anniversary? Although to be honest I would like to hear him say them sooner with the intention of actually sticking to it this time. *sigh*
Just curious who did/didn't/plans to and when.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
I wouldn't mind sitting back with my arms crossed while he says them again to me
H has mentioned it. I rolled my eyes and said, "you've got to be kidding me". I'm really sorry now that I said that. I think it hurt him badly.
I really don't know that I could go thru with it.
We said them once. He broke them. Don't think saying them again would really mean anything other than to remind me that they are just words.
Don't think saying them again would really mean anything other than to remind me that they are just words.
You know that is the rub for me. I meant them. I think she did too. Some people are asshats and some people get way off track due to a myriad of reasons. Asshats - leave them. The other group is more difficult. If they cop to it and change, grace should be granted. Those were not the exact words I said, but its what I meant by the sickness and health business. I knew going in things would be hard. I knew going in that the life long promises we were making were kind of nuts. I mean 'anything' could literally happen over the 40 or 50 years! Anything did happen. Anything will happen again. She copped to it, I am granting grace, it was all part of the original deal. Forgiveness of self and your M partner on a regular bases keeps you sane. The key is do you or they earn that forgiveness by feeling bad about it, making lasting change and moving on...
My two cent on vows...
I too want a reformation of our love and devotion but I want to do it privately. This is for us, not the world, and for us alone.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I have not worn my wedding ring since DDay. I simply cant do it. I cant explain it, but i just cant. My WH refuses to take his ring off. Even tho he wore it during the A, he still says it means something to him and he just cant take it off.
We talked about melting down the old rings and having new ones made. or buying new ones. Renewing our vows. Recommitting to eachother.
But that time isnt now. (8 months out from DDay) While i would love to sit back and hear the words...i cant trust the sincerity behind them at this stage of my recovery. I need more time for me, to work on me and to trust my feelings again.
hugs to you.
i cant trust the sincerity behind them at this stage of my recovery.
Context matters - a lot. Where you are greatly impacts these questions. I am in a great place with me and a good place with us. Hence my previous post. Not everyone has the same frame - you know?
Rings. Silly little things. I always thought that were and still do. Never liked decorating myself. I stopped wearing my after dday as a message to my W. I have not put it back on for two reasons. First, I hurt my finger and it doesn't fit anymore. Secondly, I never want to wear the thing and I still don't. That is not a value judgement on my M, it just ain't me. I got's to be me you know. I got's to be me.
I did not wear my engagement and wedding ring after DDay. And I knew I'd never be able to again. I didn't want to save it for my daughters. I felt it was like giving them a cursed object. When it clicked in my head that WH had touched OW with his wedding ring still on his hand, I made him take it off. I eventually told him to sell all of the rings. I don't regret selling them one bit. They were tainted and couldn't be saved to me. I had asked him to get me a new engagement ring so he could "re-propose." I thought maybe it would show his commitment. That he would get it...that he was willing to spend the money and mean his words even not knowing if I would say I wanted a divorce the next day. Well, he got me a ring...2 months later I had to throw him out because be was still trickle truthing me. 3 months after that his emotional abuse got so bad that I told him I was done.
Is your WH remorseful? How has R been? Is he consistent and transparent? Do his words and actions match? I hope I didn't scare you if this is what you want. If you don't feel ready, there is no rush.
On the subject of wedding rings, I'm making WH wear his for the first time since we got married. He doesn't like jewelry and never wore it in the past. Now he will. He needs that reminder. I want him to look at his hand and know that he has made a commitment. I'm still wearing my rings but that is because the set I wear is my grandmothers and I wear it to honor her. THe ring I got at our wedding I haven't been able to wear since I had kids. But I will never wear it again. OW stood up for me at our wedding. She helped me pick out the ring. We bought it from her mother who was a jeweler at the time. It will never see the light of day again.
He has a habit of saying "we" should do something and expecting me to do it. Often I do, like planning the vacations, booking the flights, hotels etc, but not for this.
We are going to St Lucia in January and he asked if we should renew them there, I said maybe, because, once again, he expects me to take over the task he brought up.
Just once it would be really nice if HE planned something, and especially if he surprised me with it.
I wouldn't want to do a whole church thing again, maybe something private on the beach, but I am not the one who will plan it, so it probably won't happen.
[This message edited by PamJ at 9:42 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.