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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Emotionally unavailable or just shallow?
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree Sins...,,this guy is damn lucky he is not my husband. He is to inconsiderate to even have a loving wife who still loves him after the mess he has made.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand not wanting your WH to be bashed, you still love him after all. I am very glad he is doing all the good things he is doing but the excuse as to why he hasn't removed her voice from the machine, is just that, an excuse.

It almost feels like he doesn't want to give up that last connection to her.

I don't like telling people what they "should" do and if the answering machine is a bigger deal to me than it is to you, than please disregard. But I absolutely would be demanding that be rectified by the end of the business day. My biggest concern is that HE doesn't acknowledge how wrong it is and change it without you even having to ask. It just breaks my heart for you.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 237 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
cantbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We do communicate well, when we do it. My problem is that my world is almost defined by what has happened, whereas he is so ready to put it behind us.

Fighting, I hear you. My H is exactly the same way. His A lasted 4 years and it was purely sex. I really don't believe is is capable of showing emotion. In the 30 years since I've known him, he has never cried! Everything is black and white so therefore no emotion is needed.

He is a loving, caring and very tender man, but doesn't like to acknowledge that because it makes him look weak.

It's been 5 years and we went to MC, IC, and Retrovaille. I've told him I need for him to show affection with a touch, hold my hand, sit by me, but literally, he is uncapable and doesn't even think that way.

I ask for him to just sometimes open up and talk to me about it without me having to ask, but he ended it, apologized and we went to counseling so it's done, over. When a show comes on that involves infidelity, he immediately says he can't watch it and we turn it off.

Things are good between us, our kids are out and we are starting to travel, building a new house and for him, all is good, for me, sometimes I think maybe it's just me and I need to accept that he is not capable and if I can't accept it, then I need to move on. There is no way I'm going to divorce him, so I've just accepted my life sentence.


Me: BS (57)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
DS(26)
DD(23)
DD(20)
Married 29 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1054 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't give up can't accept. believing we are enduring a life sentence sounds so sad, so without purpose.

I've had these thoughts too, but at this point I can't accept that.

I'd rather start fresh, even at 55, to bring more meaning and possibly happiness into my life.

I don't want to think that this is all there is. I just can't.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FB: as a FWH, I would like to offer my opinion. Please take what you need and discard the rest.

He says that he "loves me more than I know" and that I "am the most important thing in his life" and all the things that I want to hear, but I don't feel that he wants to (or can) share more of his feelings than these "catch-all" type of statements.

I did the exact same thing to my poor BS over the past 6 years. I talked the talk but didn't walk the walk. I told my wife the things she wanted to hear to end the discussions as soon as possible. I never dug into the root of the problem...ME. Therefore I never realized her previous triggers and this resulted in gas lighting behavior and empty promises. I am working now to make sure my actions speak louder than my words.

With regards to the outward showing of emotion: I believe some people can feel the emotion but not express it. Compartmentalizing and rug sweeping make this possible. I am guilty of this as well. My actions have caused my lovely BS to doubt whether I ever loved her and if our whole relationship has been a facade. Based upon my actions, I can totally understand why she feels that way and its up to me to court her again and prove to her those feelings are there. Since DDay, I've cried and broken down a few times. Lately I find myself crying more because I realize just how wonderful she is and how much of an assh*t (her term) I've been the last 6 years.

I completely agree with the other posters on here about the answering machine. As a FWH, I do EVERYTHING I can to help my wife avoid triggering. If I know something bothers her or might trigger her, I go out if my way to help her and me avoid it. It doesn't sound like your WS is respecting your trigger(s) enough to do something about it. I'm by no means a model husband or model FWH, but from my perspective, I think WSes owe it to the BSes to do everything they can to prove they want R. Case in point and then I'll stop talking. I am terrified of roller coasters. I hate them with a passion. A couple of weeks ago, I went on one with my BS to prove to her how much I truly love her and want to be with her. She's been trying to get me to go on one with her for 6 years. I just made the decision that if I am serious about R with my Beautiful BS, then I have to be prepared to go outside of my comfort zone to earn her back. Whether it's being vulnerable or avoiding triggers, I feel I owe that to my BS. Best of luck to you!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing this DumbHusband.
I forwarded this thread to my own dumb husband a couple of days ago. Hr assured me that he would change the message on his voicemail ASAP.

I will delay forwarding the latest posts to him because I want to see if he indeed makes the change this week at work.

I want to know that he wants to do it to save me more pain, not just because I am nagging him.

DH, I read your profile. You want to be "her Steve" again.

I used the same words on dday. I said that "my (mr. FB)" would not have been capable of doing something like this.

He wants to be "my ---" again.

I will continue to observe.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing this DumbHusband.
I forwarded this thread to my own dumb husband a couple of days ago. Hr assured me that he would change the message on his voicemail ASAP.

I will delay forwarding the latest posts to him because I want to see if he indeed makes the change this week at work.

I want to know that he wants to do it to save me more pain, not just because I am nagging him.

DH, I read your profile. You want to be "her Steve" again.

I used the same words on dday. I said that "my (mr. FB)" would not have been capable of doing something like this.

He wants to be "my ---" again.

I will continue to observe.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an update. last week I told my H not to come home unless his personal voicemail message was changed.

He promptly changed it. I also told him that he had one week to get the ball rolling on changing the main switchboard message. Tomorrow is his deadline.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((FightingBack)))))

I know that wasn't easy, but I'm glad you stood your ground on the personal voice mail. I can hardly believe that after all this he is still clinging to that main switchboard message and taking that to the final deadline too. My heart bleeds for you FightingBack, but you've got to be strong again for your own sake and not back down on this.

(((Hugs)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1841 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Sins.
I leave today for a two-night getaway with some very good friends. H was very sweet and has offered to stay home all weekend to look after my mom.

Although I know how important it is to follow up with a consequence, I don't think I will be able to check with him to see if this has been done today.

Although last night I could hardly sleep. I thought about lots of things, over and over (you all know how that goes). One of the things I remembered was an old email from him to her referring to the voicemail and her "lovely voice".

I am pretty sure that he has forgotten about this next project, but I will only bring it up when I get back.

Who knows? Maybe he'll surprise me! Now I'm off to the country for some R and R, lots of wine, and hopefully some good laughs!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 724 | Registered: Feb 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things I remembered was an old email from him to her referring to the voicemail and her "lovely voice".

Well that must have hurt remembering that and knowing how long he's kept it - and he has still only done half the job. (((((FightingBack)))))


But you're right, you go and try to enjoy this R and R with your friends - let it go - if you can, just for this weekend.


When you get back, I hope he has surprised you. But if he hasn't - don't let him off the hook. He needs to know that you are really serious. That voice has to GO. He has to stop hanging onto pieces of her - because that is what he is really doing here.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1841 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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