Forgive the 2x4's from us BS's as you have come a very, very long way! Just us BS's learned over time that the more firm you are and the faster you can go total 180, the better. A WS will quickly wiggle a 1/4 inch into a mile giant chasm, so it's important to seal-up any loose seams in your 180!
Some things to think about-
* There is no reason why you do not OWN his phone the moment he walks in the door. Also, see if you can log into his plan to recover or log all texts since he is likely just deleting ones he gets during the day. TOTAL TRANSPARENCY = TOTAL TRANSPARENCY. Accept nothing less! THEN set a boundary if he continues to break NC, such as him moving out or tougher consequences to protect you.
* There shouldn't be any more "work BBQ's" or family outings for his rotten ass while he's still carrying on with his whore.
* Don't believe his innocent banter. He's getting something from this whore just as much as she is. She's pumping his ego and libido. I'd can guarantee there has been light PA, sorry to say.
* 180 also means stop giving a shit entirely for your WS. (My SGAS in my sig was my "Stop Giving a Shit" day). i.e. next time he breaks NC, tell him to go to his whore- she can have him! He's no longer welcome in the marital home!
Also, you might want to pick yourself up a copy "Not Just Friends" since this can help you try to understand his dynamic in this situation. It is like fairy tale/unicorns farting rainbows in these EA's. Hence why the 180 is most effective since sometimes the WS moves in with the AP and the first time they stink up the toilet or leave the seat up, the fantasy starts to shatter. A few farts, belches or sleeve-mouth wipes and before you know it, EA is over.
The other thing is- please focus on YOU! The best part of the 180 is what you are doing for YOU! I'd love to start hearing about new gym membership, or buying some new things for yourself, or reconnecting with "the girls" and going out for lunch/cocktails, etc. etc. Anything that brings you joy and illustrates you are rebuilding your life.. WITHOUT... HIM... IN.. IT. This is what also shocks a WS back into the game.
Take care and good luck!
[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:03 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
My WH is in apparent repent mode. He has booked further IC for himself and He booked a MC session for us ( he did ask if I would go with him and I agreed) we have 24x7 access to counselling. when I demanded TT he agreed. I now have a text copy program on his phone he is not aware of, so all texts copy to me... And his phone is mine the minute he walks through the door. He MUST carry cell at all times and answer when I call or call me within 5 min if not during work hours. There is a tracker on his phone which he is not aware of. He never spent money other than extra liquor on OW And they never went anywhere but her apartment other than one day out fishing that I know about. I have access to all bank records and credit card records and he never carries cash. I also recieve his pay stub every thursday always have. She is on workman comp for a job that earns nothing much so she certainly won't be providing extra cell phones
( I have done a bit of investigating). I have also told him that I expect FD about all details, but I will let him tell me in the safe environment of MC. I have lots of questions and I expect honest truthful answers ( I unfortunately agree with medium rare that there had to be at least some light PA)
I have laid out my boundaries and limits, in writing and made him sign it. he makes contact even once, or answers a text from her, I am done! No extra chances no excuses, he has had his 3 strikes next time he is out. I have told him that if he contacts her again his shit will be packed and waiting and I will have contacted her myself to let her know he is moving in with her ( programed her number into my locked phone right in front of him) I have also presented him with a list of all of our belongings and their approx value and told him to figure out what he might want in the D should he F up (my BFF had to do this for their divorce mediator and he knows it). He turned quite green when I did that, lol😆
A week ago I hired a personal trainer and nutritionist for me, booked multiple massage appointments for my TMJ problem ( I used to go regularly but it seemed I never had the time...always too busy taking care of him) Have given him a list of things he is now responsible for around our house ( told him if he had enough time for his whore he obviously had too much time on his hands so he must have enough time to clean a f**king fish tank, walk the dog and vacume and sweep a floor once a week, the worst one for him I cancelled the poop clean up company and told him he is responsible for cleaning it up😃...I may add other shit once time passes. I have also arrange multiple outings just for me this month with my friends! I also informed him that I have had testing for STD's , which I did at my physical last week ( that had to have been one of my most humiliating moments asking my long term Dr. For those tests).
I am still sleeping in the spare room and I certainly don't do his laundry or other shit errands. Also told him he wants this marriage he needs to treat me like a queen and date me like he did 25 yrs ago ( the man has not made arrangements for us to go anywhere in 24 yrs...I always make the plans), I might then consider moving back to our bed and consider full R. If he meets my expectations.
I feel free and I feel great....he is spinning In circles and trying to find his bearings and figure out how to save this marriage. He has cried off and on all weekend and keeps saying he is sorry, he says he doesn't know if he could survive if I left him. I know it takes 2 to save a marriage but he needs to know that we have a new reality now, I will not be his permanent slave and R will take a huge amount of work on his part because he broke my trust, my heart and ripped my reality apart. If he thought he couldn't survive without me then he should have never put his time and energy into his relationship with OW.
So what do you think folks...think I laced those bitch boots up tight enough?
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
" . . . the worst one for him I cancelled the poop clean up company and told him he is responsible for cleaning it up. . . I may add other shit once time passes."
Please tell me you see the humor in this comment.
hard to keep up with picking up the poop when someonekeeps adding shit.