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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: living in present or rugsweeping?
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, in general I try to be positive and have a close to ideal remorseful fWH. With minor hiccups things are going very well.

I do, however, go through the typical rollercoaster. Feel great and at peace (last month), or unsettled with constant thoughts of the A (lately). I talk to my H when I feel that I need to, but tend to come here and process by myself when possible because we are both so much happier without constant A talk.

I have all the whys I could ask for, understand as well as possible, have committed to R. My H continues his work.

So...when is it best to try to wave those thoughts away (mantras, positive thinking etc) and when is my brain telling me I need to do more processing? If I keep pushing the thoughts away at this point will it speed my healing or slow it down? I really don't feel that I have any further understanding to gain, but is there a reason my mind keeps going there?

Thoughts? Thanks.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly think it is a defense mechanism. I go through the same thing. I think that when I get comfortable and feel that things are going well with my FWH, my subconscious mind just starts jumping up and down and going, "Hey, don't forget what he did! Protect yourself!" The good news is that it happens less and less, as time goes by. I do wonder whether it will ever go away completely.

The only advice I have for handling it is to go with it as much as you can. By that I don't mean wallow, I just mean to acknowledge the thoughts, sit with them for a moment, let them be there and then let them go. You kind of have to get to the place where you can say, "Yes, that happened. Ok, I am moving on now." Very hard to do! We practice this in our meditation (FWH and I try to sit daily, some days we do better than others). I find that if I try to fight the thoughts, the thoughts sometimes win and I spend way more time on them than they deserve at this point in my life.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Aug 2010
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((catlover50)) I don't really have any concrete answers for you. I find myself in pretty much the same place as you, and yet I still have those moments. I am about a year further along from your last Dday. So I would say it is all pretty normal. I do agree that it is a defense mechanism and it is your subconscious saying "hey wait a minute....this person really hurt you, remember". I tend to let it go more and more and am working on that with my IC. On the positive side....we are both very lucky to at least have that close to ideal remorseful FWH.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Brokenhearted49
♀ New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, you just described exactly how I've been feeling! Not that I have an answer, but last month I was able to follow my therapists advice to train myself "not to go there" in my mind, but this month I seem to be having all kinds of doubts and am experiencing lots of triggers.

My therapist said something to me that made a lot of sense (even though I'm having trouble following her advice). She said there's only one valid reason to go over the details of the A again and again and that's to determine for yourself the risk of your husband doing it again. Its a self-defense mechanism and perfectly normal in our situation. If you're convinced that your H's intentions are honorable, then the only other reason to keep "going there" is self-pity. Now, I don't know about you, but I was/have been riding the pity pot off and on since DDay and although I think we all deserve a bit of that indulgence as BS's, it isn't very helpful to either the BS or the WS.

So, here I am, back writing about it on SI. It makes me feel better to know other people are going through the same thing and I'm not alone or abnormal for feeling this way. I think it's all about risk and how vulnerable we feel at any given time. I just went through a very stressful period at work and two of my kids are not speaking to my H because of the A, so for me, it's probably more about other things than anything my H is doing.

It's so against our nature to let our guards down when we've been betrayed so deeply. I'm not sure, but I think it's what makes R so hard. I am committed to my H, so I will somehow work through it. I wish you the best and the only advice I can offer you is when you find yourself going down the rabbit hole ask yourself, is this thought going to help me in any way reach any insight that will benefit me and my M? If the answer is no, try to distract yourself with something, go exercise or go give your H a big hug--which is exactly what I'm going to do right now! Good luck. Please know that you're not alone in this. Take care!


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catlover, I think it is great that you are able to have days and even a month where you don't talk about the A. But, I am still thinking about it too much. I can go for about 4 days max and then I have to talk about it.

I like hopingforhappy's idea to sit with it and then say I am choosing to move on.

Going on a short trip this weekend and going to try it!


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, ladies for all the support and suggestions!

So I have been preparing the bedroom for a night of "going epic" (as my H calls it and promises me since DD is back at school)--clean sheets, fresh flowers, candles.... Then I'm heading to yoga, after which my H is joining me for dinner by the ocean. Then, said epic.

So I'm taking all your advice!! Working on meditation tomorrow.

Have a great weekend all.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it sounds pretty normal, or at least as normal as what I am experiencing. You don't say how long you've been in R, it's been 5 months for us.

Yesterday I was having a great day, got in a workout, got a good haircut, felt pretty good about myself.

Then, last night, H had to work late and called me on the way home. We got into a stupid argument which resulted in him hanging up on me and I got the silent treatment from him when he got home.

I told him I think I am still angry with him and he said he was angry too. i said "Oh, did someone cheat on you 3 times?" which was a low blow, but he didn't know that's the kind of anger I was talking about. it went downhill from there and he said he didn't want to argue anymore, and his stomach hurt so I got ready for bed.

I tried to say goodnight with a kiss and he gave me one of those little dry pecks to show he was not going to make up yet and I went to bed.

How did my day go so wrong. I figured out that my anger is right below the surface and the littlest things can set it off. I hard a hard time getting to sleep and was fine until I woke up and realized it wasn't a dream.

But, this morning we both apologized and I discovered he had sent me an email at 1:00am apologizing for his part of it, and today is another day.

I guess this is one of the phases as I am not so sad anymore.


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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