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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why are they SO angry with you?
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is it about the WSs that they are angry with you, when they are the ones who made the choices? Why is it that everyone gets that they did something awful, but them? Why are they willing t risk everything for a wishy-washy old man, who is having a nervous breakdown from my WW's demands, when the younger, better looking caregiver, who was determined to see her cancer through to the end, is made to feel like crap?

I really don't get it. It's like a mental disorder or something.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 707 | Registered: Aug 2013
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They resent you for being the capable, strong, responsible, honest and living person you are. They know they are broken and loathe themselves. They have to run and find another broken person to make themselves feel better. They can feel like they're better than the AP. that is why they affair down.

You being the wonderful person you are just points out all of her faults to her.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 902 | Registered: Mar 2013
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because truly looking in the mirror would expose the deep dark ugly that lies inside them waiting to burst out Alien-style.

They can't handle the truth about themselves. It's too "real" for these broken waywards.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because truly looking in the mirror would expose the deep dark ugly that lies inside them waiting to burst out Alien-style.
They can't handle the truth about themselves. It's too "real" for these broken waywards
B I N G O !!
Reality and consequences doesn't fit in their fantsay fuckworld that they have no remorse for having in the first place. You KNOW they are entitled to their happiness and you are ruining it for them.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20377 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Sparkles
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know - it's enough to make you crazy. The best explanation I've heard is that its a lame attempt at justification. It's them trying to convince themselves that they *had* to this because you are just so terrible. Just another sick way to avoid feeling guilt. It's easier to deflect with anger towards their victims.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone -

Please remember to speak about your own situation and not make generalizations.

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the case of Nearly ExH, it's been said to me that he's angry at himself but it displays outword and gives an appearance of anger at me.

What I think is that he bottled up a lot of resentmetn over time and now that he is away from me feels a little more free to "let me have it" by expressing the anger that he should have been able to express from the beginning.

While I don't enjoy conflict or seek it, I feel that if someone has a problem in a relationship, like him, I would want him to tell me, even if I cry or get mad...how does it get out of his head otherwise?

Several counselors that I saw over time said that he has something called passive-aggression and after reading about this terminology, it's helped to see that he would avoid conflict at all cost, but he could only keep it inside for so long.

And since he can't stand to have blame placed on him for the smallest thing, he points at me angrily for all the problems of his life and holds it against me, instead of trying to sort things out.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And since he can't stand to have blame placed on him for the smallest thing, he points at me angrily for all the problems of his life and holds it against me, instead of trying to sort things out.

This is the case for me too. In the process of blowing up the lives of his wife and children, he blew his life up as well. He thought he was going to go riding off into the sunset and into a life of happiness with his mistress. When that clearly wasn't happening because I caught on to his affair too early and because his mistress turned out to be someone who really doesn't give a shit about him, he thought he should be able to at least continue his old cushy life while I take all of the blame and pretend like he is the greatest guy ever but I forced him into this situation.

These two very delusional fantasies obviously didn't work out. It had to be my fault because it would have worked out if *I* didn't cause problems by not following his script. His thoughts and plans are flawless like him so obviously someone messed them up. Then he projected that I had to "control" everything, I'm too angry, I don't love him enough, I take my responsibilities too seriously, blah, blah, blah..whatever it takes to not look at himself.

I think deep down he knows that if he stopped blaming me for ONE second and looked at what *HE* did, he would have a big problem. The man he thought he was would suddenly disappear just like he did for me when I finally took a look at what he was doing and stopped looking for ways to excuse his behavior. He is a weak, conflict avoidant, passive-aggressive, mean-spirited, coward with DEEP, DEEP, DEEP issues that he knows he can't face.

So what's easier than dealing with your own shit? Laying it on someone else and being angry at them for it.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. It's a way my WW can live with herself. When she told me she had no intention of breaking it off and wanted out of the M I chose to be honorable, honest, fair and supportive (as much as I could be).

When we separated the finances she drug her feet on getting her own credit card. On the day her AP was coming back into town I deleted her name from my credit cards and demanded her ATM card. I didn't do it to leave her high and dry. I handed her a check for exactly half of the checking account and $100 in cash. I told her the bank opens at 9 AM and the hundred should help get her through the day. I told her I had absolutely no intention of financing her affair. She blew up at me. Took it as a personal attack. She takes every opportunity to find a reason to hate me to justify her actions. I took her car key off of my ring and placed it on the table. She responded by leaving the house alarm key fob on the table the next day. I don't know why she's angry with me but as long as I'm calm and civil (to her face) she is agreeable to all of my terms of separation.
She's living a lie to all of her friends and coworkers, as well as most of her family. She's not been honest with them about any of it. She takes their sympathy and is probably believing her own lies.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 758 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ruined his life. I forced him to have kids, now I've ruined him financially. He'll never forgive me. Hey, he told me things while we were still together!

No wonder he's so angry with me. I stopped believing the lies. I stopped letting him abuse me. I told other people about what a dirty, naughty boy he is. He has to hate me now.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9707 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Strongmama
♀ Member
Member # 33062
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl I heard those same words while still married....I'm a certified life ruiner!
kg201 It truly makes no sense.

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No wonder he's so angry with me. I stopped believing the lies. I stopped letting him abuse me. I told other people about what a dirty, naughty boy he is. He has to hate me now.

What Naturegirl said. (Just replace masculine pronouns with feminine.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've asked STBX this question 2 or 3 times while he was giving me a good whipping with his anger.

His response each and every time was I'm not mad at you! I mad at me! I know I SCREWED UP, or messed up, or whatever his term for the devastation is in the moment but he always says he's mad at himself.

I'm sure he is. I'm sure he would have liked me to beg him that day that he wanted to talk after months of being gone...I didn't, he wouldn't either. He told me not to expect him to come crawling back. I could either let it go and try to work it out or not.

My response was I'd like to punch you in the jaw. Sitting outside on a beautiful day hoping he'd come home to me and treat me the way I deserve. He told me to go ahead. Before I even thought of it I punched him in the jaw. Just enough to make him flinch but not hurt him. Like rock em sock em robots! I didn't know that was in me! I still can't believe I stooped that low. It was just a natural motion, like scratching an itch!

To this day he admits he did this. To this day he thinks I should just move on, life goes on dontcha know.

Well, his arse is in jail and he can't believe I'm doing this to him. I didn't, he did. But he at least does admit he did this and is angry with himself but not one bit of remorse. None.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my XH wasn't projecting his guilt so much as he was amazed that I wasn't following his script.

Pretty early in, when I was still believing the 'just friends' line, I said something to the effect of we could work out any problems we had. XH looked me up and down very coldly, and said "Don't beg me to stay". I was incredulous; asked him if heard what I actually said. He stomped off w/nary another word.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 756 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For poopsmear to convince everyone that he was justified in leaving me, he had to rewrite our marital history make it sound like I was just awful. I think he then embraced those lies as reality. Then he projected all those falsified feelings upon me.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 869 | Registered: Aug 2011
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was angry at me for breathing. For existing. My existence made him look like the scumbag he is.

But seriously, I don't get the hostility toward me. I will never understand it. It's like it's not bad enough that he turned my life upside down, but then he had to be a hateful, mean-spirited ass on top of it. ???


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 16

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