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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Resigned and sad
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been a really strange place to be these last two weeks. Tears for no reason, emotions all over the place Not wanting to leave the house and just sad. I don't feel any anger towards myself anymore just saddness of what I have done and all the people I have hurt including myself. I've becomed resigned to the fact my actions will problably never allow me to have the love I had allways dreamed off. That my BS will allways feel the detachment. That he will never look at me the same. Which really is fine. I couldn't live up to that person he saw me as.
It wasn't real. I have still hard time believing I am allowed to smile or have any happiness. I am just so dissappointed in myslef and ashamed of me. I am that person. Noone else not a part of me or 2nd side, it's really is just me. I have a friend who said to me she wasn't comfortable in her own skin. I finally understand that. Luckily for her she is finally happy and in a good place.
I hope to be there some day. It is kinda like giving up on what you wanted to believe to be true. To give up the denial, the justifications , the reasoning. The fact is the person is me.
I am making the changes and they are actually just happening. Idon't have to actively think of them, I am just doing. At the end of the day I look at what I have done and what I am grateful for. Usually there is one of each that has positive.
I just want this sadness to go away. My body is in pain is constant in my back it won't go away, It also is a reminder of the heartache.
Please don't take this wrong, I know my BS is immense pain. I am just discussing my feelings.
Has anyone else gotten to this point or felt this. Just the saddness that won't let go that seems to have is dark hand around your heart and soul. And what have you done to get out.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it had anything to do with luck for your friend. It was more likely continued work on herself and positive change.

resigned to the fact my actions will problably never allow me to have the love I had allways dreamed off. That my BS will allways feel the detachment. That he will never look at me the same. Which really is fine.
IMO, that is dangerous thinking, almost a copout. Like- he's not going to see me any differently so what's the point?

Also,

I couldn't live up to that person he saw me as.
That's okay. How about some realistic expectations for yourself? Ones like, living honestly, becoming emotionally healthy, being true to your vows, etc. Trying to live up to another's expectations of who we should be isn't healthy, but expecting certain things from ourselves is.

Has anyone else gotten to this point or felt this. Just the saddness that won't let go that seems to have is dark hand around your heart and soul. And what have you done to get out.
Yes, I have been there. What I did was woke up every day and kept fighting the fight. It takes time to get our footing back, to feel lighter again. I know it gets exhausting. Hang in there.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37563 | Registered: Sep 2007
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you are describing could be an indicator of depression as well. If you are in therapy, please talk to your counselor about it. If not, maybe now's the time to look into it.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25287 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 3

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