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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feeling depressed
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spilled my feelings to someone I had been seeing and found that he didn't feel the same way. I posted this a few weeks back.

This happened about 6 weeks ago, complete NC for the past 3 weeks. I'm still having a really hard time with this.

I miss his company like crazy. I know I could call him and he'd be over here in a flash, but I don't want the casual "hanging out" thing anymore. I don't know what I want. Well, I do know what I want, but I have such a hard time articulating it.

Just feeling really crappy. I know I could call him and he could make me feel better, but tomorrow I would feel worse. I am worth so much more.

Sorry, just rambling. I haven't shared this with too many people IRL and just needed to get it out.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all can relate how you feel, sorry that you feel depressed, but you do deserve better. Hang in there, it will get better with time!

Come and post here often, there are great support here!

(((Completeshock)))


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 163 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya,
I have a guy that does that casual "hanging out" too but I know that is all he will give and I want more.
So.... its tapered off. (Until I call him in a moment of weakness, and get my hopes raised again until I realize there is nothing there)
rinse
recycle
repeat

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
monarchwings
♀ Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you got thw courage up to put yourself out there with him and it didnt turn out like you'd hoped. I dunno the I read your initial post and I get this feeling that he is a superficially immuature frat boy that still thinks with his johnson. Gets drunk with you, says he has been thinking about this for a long time, then after wants to act like its no big deal. Ugh...thats so 1991 or so.

I know it doesn't help with your hurt. Big hugs..I would be feeling the same way.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Jul 2013
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya,
I have a guy that does that casual "hanging out" too but I know that is all he will give and I want more.
So.... its tapered off. (Until I call him in a moment of weakness, and get my hopes raised again until I realize there is nothing there)
rinse
recycle
repeat

A couple weeks after we "ended" things I called him in a moment of weakness. He told me that after I expressed how I felt he didn't think it was a good idea and didn't want to see me hurt anymore. I was disappointed, but after I thought about it I realized he was so right.

Fast forward to the next week, he's out of town and calls me saying everything I've wanted to hear him say. Told him I needed time to think things through. Called me back a couple of days after that to apologize, "didn't know what had gotten into him when he said those things." I went NC until he called me a couple weeks later (why I answered IDK) and wanted to "hang out" Told him I didn't think it was a good idea and articulated my feelings to him again and explained (with examples) of how I thought he led me on. He apolgized and I haven't heard from him since.

Call me stupid, but I do feel like there are some feelings there that for some reason he doesn't want to acknowledge. I'm doing pretty well with NC so far, I will not call him. But I miss him terribly and I would like to honestly know (good or bad, whether it would work out or not) how he really feels.

Stupid, stupid me!


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this boat too. I developed feelings for a male friend. He's a multi-dater and has no intention changing, fair enough. I can't handle it. I want an exclusive relationship. I've also gone no contact to protect my heart.

I'm currently redirecting my energies to projects I can do solo.
I'm trying to avoid feeling this is a rejection of me. Instead I tell myself we're on different paths and I'm worthy of a man's whole heart.

((completeshock))


Posts: 1170 | Registered: Aug 2009
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sad by reading your posts. My advice to you is to move forward.

There is no reason for you to wait for something that is not meant to be.

I had real love for two years and I wanted to be together forever but she said "good bye"

I am glad she walked away instead of keeping laying to me about being together for good.

Heartbroken and hopeful, I am moving ahead hoping one day I will find another change to be happy. In the mean time, I am just healing and regrouping.

There are guys out there wanting the very same thing you do.

You will find a person who can love and be loved deeply.

I know sometimes is scary and sad but it is what it is.

"Love is being stupid together".

So let's find your "together"

Hope the best for you!

My two cents!

Ps. kudos to you for "spilled your feelings"

"Is It Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Never to Have Loved at All?"


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2011
daisylvr
♀ Member
Member # 31939
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling the same. Came on here tonight looking for a post like this. I had an on again off again kind of casual thing, but was sure he had deeper feelings because it had gone on for so long and he was only spending time with me. I was wrong, he doesn't want a relationship and I want more. He wants to date around and have fun, I can't deal with that.

It sucks and the rejection is hard after XH's affair. I miss him and he wants to remain friends, we had some great talks and really helped each other, but not sure I can do that.

I feel somewhat stupid because I knew what I was getting into but thought I could "be the guy" and not get attached, um wrong. I am trying to see it as part of my recovery. Thought I would never care about or want to be with a man again, but I discovered that I was able to so kind of gives me hope for my future. The one I hope to have after I get over this guy that is.

Just wanted to let you know your not alone in your feelings and thank you for posting this.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Apr 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((completeshock)))
Congratulations on having the courage to put yourself out there and go after what you want!

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you had hoped, but don't let that take away from the fact that you handled yourself with truth and authenticity.

As far as your "someone", at this point it would be less painful for you to completely cut it off. You will always have an uneven relationship and it will always hurt that he cannot give you what you need. And...even if he does have some type of deeper feelings, he isn't willing to admit them. You don't want someone that has to have their feelings coaxed and weaned out of them. You want someone who is not afraid to let you know his deep feelings for you. So you do need to cut this one loose, so it can open the way for someone else that can actually give you what you need.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going thru right now. I know it really does suck.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15114 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to contact him, I know NC is best, and I know that "when they show you who they are, believe them," but I just need to get this out. I figure this is a safe place.

I feel like I could have done some things different. It is damn near impossible for me to express myself. A few months ago I was getting very frustrated with our situation. I wasn't sure where we stood and I wasn't comfortable with that. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want a relationship. He was really pushing me (not in a mean or demanding way) to tell him how I felt/what I wanted. I wasn't ready, and it came out all wrong. I DO want a relationship, but I don't want the kind of relationship that I see most people our age having. I see two extremes with my age group 1) the casual hook up, FWB sitauation and 2) the serious, committed, on a timeline to marriage situation. I don't want either of that. When I said I don't want a relationship, I meant that I don't want scenario #2, but that isn't how it came across. After I said I didn't want a relationship he said good because he didn't either.

In hashing this out with a male friend the other night, he said that was my first mistake. He thinks he was pushing me to express my feelings first because he was too chicken (not the word he used LOL) to express his first. Of course the guy wasn't going to say he wanted a relationship after I just said I didn't. Of course he was just going to agree with me. FUCK ME. Why couldn't I have just told him what I really wanted? At least then if he still came out and said he didn't want a relationship I wouldn't be feeling this regret.

So what do I want? I want what I feel most people want. What I feel is a healthy relationship, but a type of relationship that I don't see people in my age group really having. All I keep seeing are situations 1 & 2 above. I want a relationship with no timelines. I don't want to discuss moving in together just because we're at the "6 month" mark. I don't want to discuss getting married just because we're at the "1 year" mark. I just want to go with the flow. I enjoy having my space and my own interests. I want someone that wants to be included in what I do and wants to include me in what they do, but not all the time. I want someone who will be there for me at the drop of a hat if I need something because I would do the same for them. But not someone who is always there. I want to know that I have a built in weekend date night, not the “is he going to call me?” “should I call him?” “what if he already has plans?” I want to know that things could eventually go somewhere, I would like to get married and have children someday, but I don’t want the pressure of that right now. I want to live in the moment, but to also know that that moment isn’t going to just disappear tomorrow (yes, any situation can disappear tomorrow, but you know what I mean – some level of commitment)

I just feel like I should have been more upfront and honest, but instead it all came out wrong. Eventually I was able to get a little more if it out, but I am still not satisfied that I really expressed myself the way I wanted to.


I know, I can’t change the past but I hope that I have the chance to have a do-over at some point in the future.

On another note (if you’ve made it this far), this inability to express my feelings AT.ALL has become a real issue. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt regret over a situation like this. Any books or tips on dealing with this. I’m a big reader.

[This message edited by completeshock at 9:49 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On another note (if you’ve made it this far), this inability to express my feelings AT.ALL has become a real issue.
Why is that? What keeps you from expressing your feelings?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15114 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is that? What keeps you from expressing your feelings?

Not exactly sure. I've been like this since I was a small child. Talked about this a lot in IC and the only thing I kept coming back to was my parents' divorce.

It was pretty nasty, my dad was a very public figure and it was all over our city's newspapers. There was an OW involved. I was about 5-6 so I didn't really understand what was going on at the time, but I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't upset the anyone. Don't know why I felt this way, my mom has always been one to be by my side and to listen and not judge. I think it was just the tension made me really clam up. I've always been the peace-maker, can't stand to have anyone upset with me.

Dad ended up marrying OW and she hated me, still does. I never showed any emotion around her. I felt like she preyed on it and I didn't want her to sense that I had any "weaknesses." Just been this way ever since.

I can usually get the feelings out eventually, but not before holding them in has made the situation so much worse. I've talked about this in IC with a few different therapists. They have all helped me to realize where it comes from, but I haven't been able to find any guidance on how to fix it. I am proud of myself for finally getting my feelings out, I just wish I had done it so much differently. Not that it would have changed the outcome, but I would feel better about it. I'm just kind of feeling some regret. Maybe I just need to suck that up too.

ETA: One thing I kept hearing throughout IC was how I was so intuitive, I knew what was "wrong" with me, I knew what I wanted to change. I just don't know how to change these things which is so frustrating!

[This message edited by completeshock at 9:52 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((cs)))))))


Me: 41
Two boys: 17 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25509 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like she preyed on it and I didn't want her to sense that I had any "weaknesses." Just been this way ever since.
I totally get this. I used to think that showing some emotions (especially fear, sadness, etc.....basically anything except anger) showed weakness. It took a lot of cognitive therapy to help me realize that it takes courage to show your emotions, all of them! and that we all have them and they are valid, no matter what they are. We are allowed to feel what we feel.

It is the behavioral type of therapy that I think you are needing at this point....(I am strong on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).....I feel it works for many things and this type of issue would be well-served with CBT.

So, you need a therapist that will give you homework and help you start working on your emotions. I'm trying to remember what helped me....it has been a few years since I started dealing with emotions (Hey...mine were so locked up I didn't even "feel" my emotions. I felt like a stepford wife and even when I was angry I would just smile and keep my voice very steady and calm.)

One of the things my therapist did to help me learn to feel my emotions again and "unlock" them was I was given an emotion wheel with about 30 different emotions/feelings on it. Then any time I had any type of beginning or thought about a feeling, I had to go to that wheel and start picking out which emotion I had and then I wrote down what had happened to make me feel that way. I did this for a couple of months until I got good at feeling again.

You may be past that point...it seems you know what you are feeling, you just don't express it. That's the next step.

And honestly, I subconsciously picked partners that helped me do that. I was with my XSO for 4 years, and although he had a lot of issues, he helped me learn to express myself. It was a process, but over those four years, I learned to speak my mind and my feelings in a respectful but direct way. I learned how to be totally honest no matter whether he gave the same feelings back. He was an alcoholic, so for the first 2 years, the only time he could tell me he loved me was when he was drunk.

I also practiced with my family. My parents and my children. My parents were difficult...we weren't expressive (think stoic Germans) and so hugs and I love you's weren't really spoken.

Look, it isn't perfect. I find that sometimes I am better articulating how I feel in a text (I did this after I had broken up with XSO. I felt strongly that I had to let him know exactly why I couldn't be with him anymore, so I sent him a 3 part text explaining my feelings but it felt really good to respectfully speak my authentic feelings. I knew that I had been true, and had done everything in my power to make that relationship work and I let him know exactly what I needed.

NC is usually best, but if you are feeling there are some unspoken feelings and regrets, if you can send a text or message and not get too hung up on his response (when I sent mine, I didn't care if I ever heard from him again....it was to free myself, not get results that I sent it)....I don't know but it did make me feel better and the more I practice speaking my feelings to others, the better I get.

So I guess the point of this extremely long post is you just need to practice and it won't be perfect but you will keep getting better at it!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15114 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want a relationship with no timelines.

I just want to go with the flow.

I'm here to tell you that this type of relationship is possible. If I remember correctly we are in the same age group. I took things at a snails pace with current SO, but it worked for us because it's what both of us wanted. There was a natural progression, no real discussions of timeline until recently and even then it's not lax. We are just seeing how life unfolds and having fun in the process.

I feel like I could have done some things different.

I really don't think doing anything differently would have helped. He tells you he is willing to do everything you want then a couple days later backs out of them. That's not what a healthy person does. Even if you had been completely open about your feelings it still wouldn't have worked because he wouldn't have been open about his.

On another note (if you’ve made it this far), this inability to express my feelings AT.ALL has become a real issue.

After leaving my emotionally abusive XH I had a problem sharing my feelings as well. XH would use my feeling and emotions as a manipulation tactic and I got into the habit of concealing them so they couldn't be used against me. I had to challenge myself and force myself to share things with current SO, but I also had to feel "safe" in doing so. It may be that you didn't feel safe with this person so you struggled to open up.

In the next relationship you have start out by sharing your feeling on small things. The more comfortable you are the easier it is to open up about bigger issues. It take time to get to that point, don't be hard on yourself when your not willing to fully open up 6 months in.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is usually best, but if you are feeling there are some unspoken feelings and regrets, if you can send a text or message and not get too hung up on his response (when I sent mine, I didn't care if I ever heard from him again....it was to free myself, not get results that I sent it)....I don't know but it did make me feel better and the more I practice speaking my feelings to others, the better I get.

This is exactly what I want to do, but I'm afraid that I do care about the results, it wouldn't be just to free myself. I'm not sure it is a good idea for me at this time, but my heart wants too so badly

I really don't think doing anything differently would have helped. He tells you he is willing to do everything you want then a couple days later backs out of them. That's not what a healthy person does. Even if you had been completely open about your feelings it still wouldn't have worked because he wouldn't have been open about his.

He told me he wanted us to talk, then backed out on it. I just want to confront him. To tell him to man up and say whatever he needed to say be it good or bad, but I feel like it may be kinda pointless now? I just want to ask him why he led me on like this. I just want to stand up for myself for once!

[This message edited by completeshock at 7:31 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to call/text him. Its been going on 7 weeks since things ended, almost 4 since we've been NC. I need to know what he needed to say. Please tell me if this is a bad idea or if it is OK?


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't read all the advice but I would write down how you feel about him and about the situation in a letter to him.

Then I would burn it and let it go. This will help get it out of you.

On the practical side if you have expressed your emotions then it is up to him to decide if he wants to pursue something deeper for your sake or his sake he may not. He honestly may not know the difference but the bottom line is he doesn't at this moment.

Then you must decide do you wait for him or do you figure trial and error and move on meeting new people and if he surfaces then see where you are at - no need to figure it all put now.

I think a lot of people in long term relationships there is a need to define right away. I think commitment is important and no matter what your feelings are important. Time
will tell and if you like the person you are ok with the time and things naturally progress. Good luck and keep moving forward in YOUR life - let this one go.


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jul 2012
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it. No response so I guess that is the answer. Suprisingly, I'm OK with it. I tried. Time to move on.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's okay, because now you know you did everything you could. You can let it go. It isn't meant to be. The ball is in his court and he isn't playing.

Too bad, game over for him.....some other lucky guy is going to get all your love and affection and you are free now to find someone who can be all in and not have to be babied about his feelings.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15114 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 23
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