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User Topic: Anyone cut parents out...
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

of their lives?

My parents are really toxic people. My sibling and I have tried, tried and tried over the years. They just don't seem interested.

2 weeks ago, my father sibling and I both; left a really crummy message basically giving us each an out - a clean break.

I'm not sure if I want to, but at same time, do.

I've been sitting on this for two weeks and really can't decide which way to go, which sort of is telling me to take the out. I'm not dying to try to work on things because every time we do - we end up 'here' again.

Some info - I still have a maternal grandparent alive. I also have 2 aunts I don't want to lose over this, but my sibling and I both are just about effing done. I can't even get into all our parents have done, this isn't just a 'they suck sometimes' thing. *sigh*



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, but I understand. Not exactly the same thing, but I cut my sister out of my life and it hurt. I had to be true to myself though, and I had just had enough with her.

Nobody wants to voluntarily cut their parents out of their lives, it goes against our core as human beings. But I do believe sometimes it's for the better, it's for your own mental health.

(((((wannabenormal)))))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37382 | Registered: Sep 2007
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I more or less have. My father abandoned me at 1 year old and my mother was (unintentionally) emotionally abusive.

It's caused untold, myriad problems in my life, and after realizing the abuse for what it was, I've pulled back almost completely. I haven't spoken to my father in 10+ years, and I deal with my mother as little as possible. I used to feel guilty about it all, but my therapist told me "it's okay to hate your parents". Seems silly to have to give one permission to do that, but... the old concept of "honor thy father and mother" is very strong.

I don't have to honor anyone that treats me like emotional garbage, you know.

I can relate. It's very painful. (((hugs)))


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
travels
♀ Member
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. I would caught my mother out of my life, but my father is still alive. SI has helped me finally realize my mother is probably a N, or at the very least has a personality disorder.

I have limited contact with my mother and oldest sister. I don' see it as a bad thing. I had tried for far too long, but nothing was ever enough for them. There is so much positive in my life now. I no longer have days of dread or feeling down about myself.

((((wannabenormal))))


When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3771 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nobody wants to voluntarily cut their parents out of their lives, it goes against our core as human beings. But I do believe sometimes it's for the better, it's for your own mental health.

^^^this

I cut my family out of my life, including my dad. Didn't have to worry about my mom since I've only seen her a handful of times anyhow. My family is abusive, passive aggressive and npd. They bring nothing to my life but criticism and demands. I finally had enough and cut ties. I've never regretted it.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, Honor father and mother is a big deal, but even bigger is love thyself.

Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brother hasn't seen or spoken to our parents in over 10 years. My father's sister disappeared when I was maybe 12, and was never heard from again.

It can be done when it's necessary. Idk re: my aunt but my brother is HAPPY. Happier than me. He chose self preservation and is fine. I meanwhile suffer and fret and worry and feel icky because my parents are an aggravation.

Do what you need to do. No apologies to anyone needed.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3059 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cut ties with the egg donar and my two siblings. Not at the same time. The egg donar I quit talking to over 20 yrs ago the siblings almost 5 yrs ago.

I didnt make a big deal out of it except when someone tried to get me to make ammends with egg donar. After a couple of no thank you's I got a bit adament.

You dont have to lose other family members over cutting your parents out of your life. What I did was quit talking to the egg donar and continued a relationship with those I wanted. The one time she and I were in the same room, I kept my distance.

The egg donar passed a couple months ago. Weird situation. I alsohad to manuever sil who didnt understand why I wasnt all weepy over the situation.

If they are truly toxic and there is no way around it, then cutting your losses is best to save yourself. I just recommend the quiet route. Less collateral damage (possibility of ticking off other loved ones) and less feeding the toxic drama monster.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8215 | Registered: Sep 2007
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stopped talking to my mother, a very toxic, abusive person 5 years ago when she told me I had to choose between her or FWSO.

After 40 years of her toxicity I knew the choice I had to make.

I didn't speak to her for over a year and then the A happened. I spoke to her again... The bad feelings, the abuse, the toxicity came right back full force.

So as of 2010 I haven't spoken to my mother and I've never been happier.

I can't even say I feel bad about it... 'cause I don't.

Everyone needs to find their own way when it comes to toxic parents, but I think cutting my mother out was the best thing I've ever done for myself.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24452 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have very little interaction with either of my divorced parents, especially my dad. Three years ago I made a decision to give myself permission to stop letting them hurt me just because of the honor thy parents thing. It was an extrememly difficult decision but I am much healthier for it. People can be really judgemental when it comes up. Protect yourself from the toxicity, and dont beat yourself up for it.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was 14 when my mother's 26 year old boyfriend told me to choose between me and him (after I confronted him over punching my 8 year old sibling). She asked me to pack my bags and leave so that she "didn't have to choose".

For the remaining 5 years I wanted so badly for my mother to love me.

As I became an adult, my indifference towards her grew. Sensing that I was no longer desperate for her affection, she became even more toxic.

I have seen her once in 11 years. I allowed her to come stay with us (she lives across the country) ONCE, so that she could spend time with my 1 year old DD. She could not have been less interested in a stranger's child. She was horrible and disrespectful her entire time here. My daughter was invisible. She has never been welcomed back.

My daughter is now 4. She has never called to ask about her, to speak to her. She does not know her birthday.

My brother (the one her boyfriend used to hit) does not speak to her. Our father is deceased, and we consider ourselves orphans.

FWH's mother is even worse than mine. So is his sister. We don't speak to any of them.

FWH lost his maternal family (not that there was anything to lose) for his choice. I did not, and my aunts understand and (mostly) support me.

I am so sorry for anyone who has to make this choice. The only thing we can do to rectify it is be the best parents that WE can be, and stop the cycle.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in most cases it is possible for adults to "cut down their inteaction" and engagement with dysfunctional (or toxic) family members and I think that is usually preferable to "cutting them out" completely.

My father was a very mean man and not a "father" in any sense of the word, but I still visited him a couple of times a year when he was in a nursing home for the last six years of his life. I'm no worse off for having done that.

My sister's husband just lost a sister to cancer. Her H and several siblings have not spoken to her for the past 18 years, but just before she died, Sister's H heard the news of her illness and went to see her. Guess what? Everybody is heartbroken and regrets how the past 18 years were spent.


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on personal experience (XWH cut his parents out of our lives several times during our marriage), I would recommend doing this only with the help of a therapist. I can't expound too much, given what forum we're in, but (at least in his case) it brought up tons of feelings/emotions/etc. that he couldn't handle.

However, having those toxic people out of our lives was amazing.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if they were not your parents, would you have cut them out of your life already?

I am a firm believer that DNA does not give anyone the right to treat me badly, or disrespect me. Just because we are related doesn't mean that you automatically get an 'in' in my life.

I have friends that i am closer with them my brother (who disowned me a while ago, we have only been speaking for a few years).

I dont take any of my brother's crap either, I dont try to play nice to keep things nice. If he can't be civil and respectable, then i have no need for him in my life. It was actually 5 years of quiet and peace without him, so I have no qualms going back to that.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Sep 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom was my only family left but she was beyond toxic. 3 years ago we went our seperate ways. I have not spoken to her since. I have not regretted it. Some days I miss having a Mom but usually I miss having a "normal" Mom which she never was anyway. I am so glad she can't have that influence on my kids anymore. My oldest (22) is the only one who sees her. She had no use for the ones living at home once I stopped talking to her.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I haven't cut anyone totally out of my life, I am not warm and fuzzy anymore with any of them. Half are narcissistic and overly controlling and also ...the biggest thing...they knew about the A and his other cheating and didn't tell me.

Almost a year later that pain is still huge. All my life they've hidden things and now are having secrets from me with our daughter and this is new hurt, from my own family.

The ironic part is they don't understand why I've backed off being in touch or relying on them as I was prior to the knowledge of what they knew...but they severely broke my trust.

How do you let that go?

One of my parents is narcissistic and lashes out at me when there are disappointments, so this also keeps me at arms length.

It's not easy, but if people can't be trusted and continue to cause pain, what do you do?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Silentthoughts
♀ Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't completely cut my family off, but have limited contact to times when I "have" to see them, like weddings, etc. they don't live in the same city as me so it is easier. The drama is just too much for me and it is way healthier to limit my exposure.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Going through this right now, though it started with him cutting me out.

I've been sitting on this for two weeks and really can't decide which way to go, which sort of is telling me to take the out. I'm not dying to try to work on things because every time we do - we end up 'here' again.

It can be something you do gradually, if you're struggling with doing a clean break right now. A slow 180. Or, if you do the clean break, be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to mourn - the things they never gave you, and the things that were lost. The hard part is, still working through all the feelings they, and their absence, leave behind. Take your time.

Remember - are you safe? Sometimes parents don't keep us safe, and then they go beyond it and become our abusers. But we still love them. Those feelings can be difficult to reconcile. You can love someone and know that they are too unhealthy to be in your life.

Some info - I still have a maternal grandparent alive. I also have 2 aunts I don't want to lose over this

Are you worried that if you cut out your parents, then you'll also lose your relationship with your grandparent and aunts? Is there a way you can keep your relationships with them, separate from your parents?

(((wbn)))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all, for advice, experiences and overall input.

If they weren't my parents, I wouldn't talk to them at all.

As for other family members, yes; I'm afraid to lose them if I cut ties. I don't live at home, so most contact now is email and phone...but when it does come time to visit, I can't dictate who should be around or whatever.

Several family members have said they notice a change in my mom, so it's not 'just me and sibling' being awful kids; there's something up with her and it makes me sad that she doesn't know it to help herself. I STILL haven't responded and tomorrow will be 3 weeks. *sigh*

I think I need to write a letter and explain 'my side' and my expectations honestly...it's always how we're (sibling and I) slighting mom, when she doesn't pick up her side of the relationship slack. Like what can I do...call and email and continue to be rejected and then hurt by that rejection, but act like everything is groovy if and when she decides to participate in the 'relationship' when the mood strikes?



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talked to my sibling a ton tonight. Sorta same old shit, but something I realized tonight is that I find it really unfair to lay the outcome on me (while my sib is involved too, that outcome is also on them. We could end up with same result or not).

I think I'll draft a letter, wait a day or so, edit and then send. Thanks mom and dad, for being crummy. Though I could and would not expect anything more.



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
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