There is a blog out there by a guy who cheated (affair advice.com, I think it is called) who says one of the mistakes BS make after an affair is trying to pursue justice AND reconciliation at the same time. He said it's not possible to do this (I guess it is easy for someone who was the cheater to make this assumption, but in a way, he does have a point). The blogger also says that many of the BS blogs out there create a platform for some people to be addicted to their pain/role of being a BS and therefore prevents them from healing sometimes. Again, easy for the cheater to say stuff like this, huh?
I'm almost 6 m out from DD. I STILL think about serving up some justice in the form of telling OW's boss about her relationship with an investor (my H) in his company. I also have a connection I could work to get her kicked off of a charity board she's on that she loves to flaunt her association with. In the end, neither of these things is going to do ME any good in the long run. And I know that.
At the same time, even 6 months out, I feel this odd sense of "Why am I sitting here paying the price for all of this nonsense and everyone else involved in this is carrying on as normal?" (especially OW). SAWH is not really carrying on as normal - he's changed his lifestyle (no longer has a wife who trusts him to be where he says he is going to be with people he says he is going to be with) and is in therapy and going to 12 step meetings (which I could not believe!).
I'm curious if anyone has words of wisdom concerning this topic.How do you get over feeling the need to enact justice? Do I just need to accept that there is NO justice and move on as best as I can?
I am trying very hard to take the keys to my life out of OW's hands. And in truth, she doesn't want them anyway.
I take some pleasure in knowing that I didn't do horrible things to her and she knows I could have (I have semi nude photos she sent my WH playing construction girl). She gets to live with the fact that I have class and integrity and chose not to hurt her after she helped my WH destroy my life and the life of innocent children. In my case, the OW is very remorseful and I think generally a good person who got wrapped up in something way over her head. So, in my case, her shame and guilt is going to have to be enough for me.
I am sending healing thoughts your way.
[This message edited by Girlietoo at 9:02 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]
But i have to agree with the blogger. For me personally, holding onto that DID prevent me from healing. It gave her head space she didnt deserve. I am certainly by no means healed....but....trying to let that go has helped me tremendously. On the flip side....i think that stage of my grief also helped me as well. Its weird, but its like I had this obsessive, must make sure she suffers state of mind. Having to look at WHY i was thinking that way and WHY i wanted her to suffer forced me to be honest with myself. It forced me to look into myself...recognize things within me and change them. It was a stepping stone, i think. stupid as it sounds.
I think, for me, the best thing i can do is just heal me...work on me...and be happy. Working on letting go...accepting that the only thing I have control over is me, my choices, my feelings. realize that i have control over where my life goes...not the OW. Take it day by day. Make it thru this day, then start again.
hugs to you
It's over now and I'm sure my H feels he is having to deal with it too, and he is doing a good job of it. But, as he had an OW who was willing to risk her own marriage for him, and a wife who loves him enough to give him another chance,I think his self esteem is doing just fine now.
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.
"In the end, neither of these things is going to do ME any good in the long run. And I know that."
Not sure I agree with this. I did tell OW1's boss - I don't regret it, I didn't tell OW2's boss and I do regret it. Making life a little difficult for these ppl is a way to take back a little power. After all, they stole from us.
It's too late for me to do anything else now as I do want to concentrate on Healing and my marriage. However, exacting a little "actions have consequences" justice the day after I found out was a good choice for me.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
We are in R.
The problem is, that type of justice would put me in jail and break up our family, so justice for her and him would be an injustice to the kids and me.
Besides, justice and R really don't go hand-in-hand.
Life's not fair.
The problem with revenge is that I don't think there's a way to hurt the WS without also hurting the BS. I'm not interested in more pain, especially self-inflicted pain, so I pretty much gave up on revenge early on, even though the desire stayed with me for a few months (25? 30?)
When you mention 'justice', I think in terms of Law and 'Justice, Justice, thou shall pursue!'
I checked with 'Ask the Rabbi' and got the Orthodox Jewish view on justice WRT a W's adultery. My interpretation of the Orthodox approach is that the Rabbis combined harsh Biblically-based laws (the woman must be divorced) with Orthodox sexism (for example, a woman can't be a witness in an Orthodox rabbinical court in a case of adultery) and came up with an approach gives an adulterous woman an out. In the end, I can R if I want, or I can D my W for reasons other than adultery, but I can't D her for adultery - justice tempered with mercy and with love.
Knowing in your head life isn't fair seems a far cry from knowing and accepting it in your heart. The deliberateness of the choices is hard to accept.
I do agree though trying to get a form of justice and reconciliation at the same time isn't possible.
I do see my WH's sorrow for what he has done so that helps soothe me to some extent but mOW#1 - that really screws with me. It is a pattern of behaviour for her.
However as I focus more on WH and I, the need to seek justice over her has lessened.
I just decided that time may provide me with an opportunity to do something because we live in a small town, but I am just going to wait until something falls in my lap. I believe it is destructive to contantly think about revenge. Just upsets my stomach.
The blogger also says that many of the BS blogs out there create a platform for some people to be addicted to their pain/role of being a BS and therefore prevents them from healing sometimes.
This is so interesting! Another member and I were talking well over a year ago and I said something to the tune of "it is almost like an addiction to the sadness of it all. If I have a good day, it doesn't seem right so I get even more upset. Like I need to be miserable because that is how life is supposed to be now".
I actually fully agree with being addicted to the pain, because I was there. I hated the pain, but I hated it more to not feel the pain. It was such a double edged sword. I think as a BS, happy and pain free is associated with times prior to dday.. Which means times of security, trust, blind love (for most). So no pain means being vulnerable, which we don't want after dday.. Right?
think as a BS, happy and pain free is associated with times prior to dday.. Which means times of security, trust, blind love (for most). So no pain means being vulnerable, which we don't want after dday.. Right?
Interesting perspective, I think you're on to something. It really is a double-edged sword.
Every so often I'll be a little low and she'll creep into my thoughts. But it's rare and I push her out again. Their wedding is this month and I hope it gets easier to not think of her at all as time passes.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.