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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Justice vs. Reconciliation?
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else care to comment on getting over the desire to carry out justice on the other party?

There is a blog out there by a guy who cheated (affair advice.com, I think it is called) who says one of the mistakes BS make after an affair is trying to pursue justice AND reconciliation at the same time. He said it's not possible to do this (I guess it is easy for someone who was the cheater to make this assumption, but in a way, he does have a point). The blogger also says that many of the BS blogs out there create a platform for some people to be addicted to their pain/role of being a BS and therefore prevents them from healing sometimes. Again, easy for the cheater to say stuff like this, huh?

I'm almost 6 m out from DD. I STILL think about serving up some justice in the form of telling OW's boss about her relationship with an investor (my H) in his company. I also have a connection I could work to get her kicked off of a charity board she's on that she loves to flaunt her association with. In the end, neither of these things is going to do ME any good in the long run. And I know that.

At the same time, even 6 months out, I feel this odd sense of "Why am I sitting here paying the price for all of this nonsense and everyone else involved in this is carrying on as normal?" (especially OW). SAWH is not really carrying on as normal - he's changed his lifestyle (no longer has a wife who trusts him to be where he says he is going to be with people he says he is going to be with) and is in therapy and going to 12 step meetings (which I could not believe!).

I'm curious if anyone has words of wisdom concerning this topic.How do you get over feeling the need to enact justice? Do I just need to accept that there is NO justice and move on as best as I can?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not much help because I feel exactly the same. I still fantasize about serving up some justice to OW but I never do it.

I am trying very hard to take the keys to my life out of OW's hands. And in truth, she doesn't want them anyway.

I take some pleasure in knowing that I didn't do horrible things to her and she knows I could have (I have semi nude photos she sent my WH playing construction girl). She gets to live with the fact that I have class and integrity and chose not to hurt her after she helped my WH destroy my life and the life of innocent children. In my case, the OW is very remorseful and I think generally a good person who got wrapped up in something way over her head. So, in my case, her shame and guilt is going to have to be enough for me.

I am sending healing thoughts your way.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 9:02 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this post. I am very interested in the responses. I wrestled with this endlessly in he beginning. Especially because the OW lives so close and i see her often. There is a part of me that would love to watch her crash and burn. I would think about it, almost fantasize about how i could make it happen.

But i have to agree with the blogger. For me personally, holding onto that DID prevent me from healing. It gave her head space she didnt deserve. I am certainly by no means healed....but....trying to let that go has helped me tremendously. On the flip side....i think that stage of my grief also helped me as well. Its weird, but its like I had this obsessive, must make sure she suffers state of mind. Having to look at WHY i was thinking that way and WHY i wanted her to suffer forced me to be honest with myself. It forced me to look into myself...recognize things within me and change them. It was a stepping stone, i think. stupid as it sounds.

I think, for me, the best thing i can do is just heal me...work on me...and be happy. Working on letting go...accepting that the only thing I have control over is me, my choices, my feelings. realize that i have control over where my life goes...not the OW. Take it day by day. Make it thru this day, then start again.

hugs to you


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that way too, about how WH and OW (2 X EA)go on life as usual and I am here trying to deal with it.
I lost respect for WH, security in our relationship, self-esteem wondering why I am not enough for him, what did they lose? They had it all, each other, their own marriages, still intact.

It's over now and I'm sure my H feels he is having to deal with it too, and he is doing a good job of it. But, as he had an OW who was willing to risk her own marriage for him, and a wife who loves him enough to give him another chance,I think his self esteem is doing just fine now.


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"In the end, neither of these things is going to do ME any good in the long run. And I know that."

Not sure I agree with this. I did tell OW1's boss - I don't regret it, I didn't tell OW2's boss and I do regret it. Making life a little difficult for these ppl is a way to take back a little power. After all, they stole from us.
It's too late for me to do anything else now as I do want to concentrate on Healing and my marriage. However, exacting a little "actions have consequences" justice the day after I found out was a good choice for me.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4738 | Registered: Dec 2010
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The desire for revenge, or justice seems to go away with time. I started getting past it when I realized she could have been anyone. Several months ago I did a few juvenile things online but got over that pretty quickly. The idea that my fWH should have pursued a sexual harassment suit against her rarely comes to mind anymore. I did get a chance to shake things up when I contacted her BH at 9 months out after finally figuring out who he was.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my wife sleeps with another man about 100 times or more over a 10 month period, and he just goes on his merry way, probably screwing someone else's wife by now, and my wife still gets to be married to me. Justice would involve him getting a severe ass-kicking and her getting served with divorce papers from the nastiest family lawyer in this town.

The problem is, that type of justice would put me in jail and break up our family, so justice for her and him would be an injustice to the kids and me.

Besides, justice and R really don't go hand-in-hand.

Life's not fair.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great, honest responses. Thanks everyone. Somehow it makes me feel better and less frustrated to know others are feeling same way...and can't really do a damn thing about it...and that it will eventually pass.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no desire for revenge. That's been true for, oh, at least the last month or two.

The problem with revenge is that I don't think there's a way to hurt the WS without also hurting the BS. I'm not interested in more pain, especially self-inflicted pain, so I pretty much gave up on revenge early on, even though the desire stayed with me for a few months (25? 30?)

When you mention 'justice', I think in terms of Law and 'Justice, Justice, thou shall pursue!'

I checked with 'Ask the Rabbi' and got the Orthodox Jewish view on justice WRT a W's adultery. My interpretation of the Orthodox approach is that the Rabbis combined harsh Biblically-based laws (the woman must be divorced) with Orthodox sexism (for example, a woman can't be a witness in an Orthodox rabbinical court in a case of adultery) and came up with an approach gives an adulterous woman an out. In the end, I can R if I want, or I can D my W for reasons other than adultery, but I can't D her for adultery - justice tempered with mercy and with love.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9982 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have struggled with the injustice of the situation hugely - I still do but less.

Knowing in your head life isn't fair seems a far cry from knowing and accepting it in your heart. The deliberateness of the choices is hard to accept.

I do agree though trying to get a form of justice and reconciliation at the same time isn't possible.

I do see my WH's sorrow for what he has done so that helps soothe me to some extent but mOW#1 - that really screws with me. It is a pattern of behaviour for her.

However as I focus more on WH and I, the need to seek justice over her has lessened.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still have the fantasies about justice (revenge) but really haven't acted on any of them. The OW lost everything during the affair, her business, her home, had to file a bankruptcy, so she isn't exactly living the high-life.

I just decided that time may provide me with an opportunity to do something because we live in a small town, but I am just going to wait until something falls in my lap. I believe it is destructive to contantly think about revenge. Just upsets my stomach.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as justice goes, I did a number of things to attempt and hurt the OW/xBFF following dday. But those things didn't last long term for her, as she wasn't married and didn't really lose anything in her mind. Although, I do not regret a single one of them.


The blogger also says that many of the BS blogs out there create a platform for some people to be addicted to their pain/role of being a BS and therefore prevents them from healing sometimes.

This is so interesting! Another member and I were talking well over a year ago and I said something to the tune of "it is almost like an addiction to the sadness of it all. If I have a good day, it doesn't seem right so I get even more upset. Like I need to be miserable because that is how life is supposed to be now".

I actually fully agree with being addicted to the pain, because I was there. I hated the pain, but I hated it more to not feel the pain. It was such a double edged sword. I think as a BS, happy and pain free is associated with times prior to dday.. Which means times of security, trust, blind love (for most). So no pain means being vulnerable, which we don't want after dday.. Right?


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

think as a BS, happy and pain free is associated with times prior to dday.. Which means times of security, trust, blind love (for most). So no pain means being vulnerable, which we don't want after dday.. Right?

Interesting perspective, I think you're on to something. It really is a double-edged sword.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jellybean22
♀ New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Immediately after D-day, I wanted them both to suffer. But very shortly after that my knee jerk reaction was to fight for my marriage. So at that time I needed to just let OW be. I made sure her fiancÚ knew because he deserved to know what he was marrying. And then I had to stop obsessing on her to focus on my marriage.

Every so often I'll be a little low and she'll creep into my thoughts. But it's rare and I push her out again. Their wedding is this month and I hope it gets easier to not think of her at all as time passes.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Topic Posts: 14

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