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User Topic: and on the mother issue...
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really just a whine, or a vent, or a whatever you want to call it.

I took on "mom duty" this weekend to give my sister a break. I had planned on doing all the usual stuff (taking her grocery shopping, etc), but I also wanted to take care of some banking issues while I was there. It wasn't a huge deal, I didn't think. My mom had set up bank accounts for my kids years ago, and just like we did when older son turned 18, we needed to change over younger son's account from a for minor.

I'm trying to be compassionate and patient, but I swear it's like dealing with a 3 year old.

The bank closed at 2pm on Saturday. We get there at 1:50. Because, despite me calling her over an hour in advance, asking her to be ready, she wasn't.

I guess I should be glad she was at least dressed.

The entire time we're at the bank, she's insinuating that my son now has more money than she does, and that he should let her keep the money. Then she'd say "just joking."

Okay, I get that she's a bit obsessed about money and she's worried about whether she's going to have enough. I get that. It is a legitimate concern for an elderly woman.

But this passive/aggressive, victim mentality bullshit is driving me up the wall.

Oh, and it gets better. Since she didn't want to put on shoes (she announced she'd be going to the bank in her slippers) we didn't go grocery shopping. I told her we'd take her back to her apartment and my son, and I would go back out shopping if we needed to.

We get back to her apartment, and she immediately curls up on her bed, like she's exhausted. All she wants is for us to go check her mail for her, because she's too tired to walk down to the mailbox.

So son and I do that, and when we get back with her mail, there she is, sitting up, reading the newspaper.

I really am struggling to find compassion for her. All I'm seeing is her passive/aggressive, manipulative, I'm a victim behavior, and it pisses me off.

I don't want to deal with her. I don't particularly like her. I've been dealing with her alcoholic crap for over 30 years, and I'm just...done.

Except, my sister has been bearing most of this burden, and I feel incredibly guilty that I'm not helping my sister more.

And that's why I'm just venting. There's not really any way to change anything. The next changes will come when we have to put my mom into a nursing home. We're not there yet. My sister is hoping to stretch out this "independent living" stage of mom's life as long as possible. It is easier on my sister, for now. And honestly, with the alcoholism, it's going to be really damned ugly when we have to put her in a nursing home.

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible daughter.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible daughter.

(((inconnu)))

You aren't a horrible daughter at all. You're frustrated which is perfectly normal given what you are dealing with and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with it.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, sweetie.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((inconnu)))

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really difficult, I feel for you.

Is there some reason your sis has the first position of responsibility?

Can you spell each other off more often?

I was the only one available and my mom was a sweetie, but it was still draining. I had no weekend time to myself for a long time and no sibs in town to help out.

They only came for emergencies.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17153 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ff, my sister lives closer to mom. She's less than 15 minutes away while I'm across town. It's 40 minutes for me, on a good day. We also started having the mom issues while I was going through the divorce, so my sister really didn't have a choice. I just couldn't deal with anything else, kwim?

Now that things are more stable for me personally, I am trying to take some of the burden off my sister. I'm just not really good at it. My mom frustrates me, and I don't have the patience I feel I should with her. I just don't deal with her victim mentality well, at all.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to practice attaining a non-reactive state. It's the only way to deal.

If you take everything she does personally then she wins...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17153 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
sharim
♀ Member
Member # 11937
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to practice attaining a non-reactive state. It's the only way to deal

Ditto on this. It is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading the posts. You have to detach a bit - go through the motions of what needs to be done - feel good that you are helping your sister - and try to find humor in your mother's behavior (I know that part can be difficult when you are so close to it).


Posts: 1384 | Registered: Sep 2006
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did much better with the detaching, and being able to go to the "pretend she's a toddler and act accordingly" place last year. But now I'm just way more stressed about stuff in my own life, and I can't seem to get to that place I need to be in, in order to deal effectively with my mom.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((inconnu)))) This stuff is hard. Really - there's no way through it that isn't wrought with emotion and stress.

Sending you strength, honey.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 10

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