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Newest Member: madattheworld (45057)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Casseroles
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During my pity-party days early in my divorce, I used to relate my situation with the death of a spouse, and I'd compare the two.

When you divorce due to infidelity, you lose your best friend, your companion, your future dreams, and half or more of your stuff. Some people support you, some blame you, and you're pretty much alone. The evil pod person occupying your spouse's body remains in your life. There is closure, but it's up to you to find it and define it.

When your spouse dies, you lose your best friend, your companion, and your dreams of the future. You don't lose "stuff". People and organizations come out of the woodwork to support you. Closure is there for the taking, depending on your religious and philosophical views.

They bring casseroles.

I wanted my casseroles. I wanted the closure. I wanted to lose the stress over my "stuff".

I've gotten over all that; time well spent plus therapy have worked wonders.

This morning, I got awakened by a phone call from an old high school friend. His wife died last night, suddenly and unexpectedly. On his birthday.

I used to be envious of widowers. Not today.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5164 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's really sad. I'm sorry for your friend.

(((TH and friend)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, TH.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25507 | Registered: Aug 2011
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry.. ((Th))


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH....(((((TH))))))


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That really does put it all in perspective doesn't it ?

Death is inevitable and sometimes comes too soon but divorce due to infidelity was caused by choices.

I know of several that have lost their spouses too soon and not one of them have insecurities from feeling inadequate, trust issues in themselves or others. With death, people will be there for the surviving spouse but for divorce, because of infidelity, many people are afraid it might be catching.
Both scenarios can be a very lonely journey but a widow or widower doesn't get blamed or judged for the death.
Hugs to your friend their family and friends.
I've lost two best friends in their early 50s and the void is huge for their families and friends.

ETA: As K9 said it is just different kind of hell.

[This message edited by gma56 at 11:52 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20377 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TH...please don't EVER envy us (widow/widowers).

In our case we never got the chance to decide to end the relationship. We will never get answers to questions. We are left to clean up and end another person's life by having to tell people over and over again someone died. And many times having to prove it with a stupid piece of paper that SAYS they died. We are left having to clean out closets, dressers, desks and deciding what needs to be kept, what gets thrown away and what gets donated. And out of the blue one day you are walking down the street and from behind you "think" you see your spouse ahead of you, but in reality it's just someone who looks or dresses the way they used to.

With a divorce, even if you loath your X with every atom of your being...they are still in this world.

With a death, they are just....gone.

Please don't ever envy us. This is just another form of hell.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your friends loss. It's got to be difficult to deal with the death of your loving spouse.

I had a serious discussion with my inner circle about this exact scenario last year after a friend's husband got cancer and we all rallied behind her with dinner chains and kid watching for her. In my case, when the doosh finally left no one knew what to do or say, so they did nothing. At least I was fully capable of fending for myself at that point and ready for him to be gone.

It was worse the first time he left - I lost 35lbs, my kids had a walking zombie for a mom, the house was a wreck and they were fending for themselves a lot.

It really hurt my feelings. But now they know, and the next friend will benefit from my openness. I know it's been talked about here in general too.

Some days I still wonder if becoming a widow would have been "easier" than dealing with the mindfuck that comes from an unremorseful wayward spouse though.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

k9, I don't envy those who lost a spouse/partner to death. I think it's incredibly painful no matter the circumstances. It ALL sucks. However, in many ways, my situation was very similar to a death.

In our case we never got the chance to decide to end the relationship. We will never get answers to questions. We are left to clean up and end another person's life by having to tell people over and over again someone died. And many times having to prove it with a stupid piece of paper that SAYS they died. We are left having to clean out closets, dressers, desks and deciding what needs to be kept, what gets thrown away and what gets donated.

Substitute a few words here and there, and this is EXACTLY what I went through when X abandoned me, our home and our marriage. I had to do every bit of that, including having to prove things with a stupid piece of paper. It actually would have been easier if he had died - at least I would have gotten insurance. Instead, I got all the sideways looks, and whispered comments they thought I didn't see or hear, as if I somehow brought it all on myself.

Sorry for the pity-party. Obviously, I still resent the circumstances of my divorce. Taking a deep breath and off to make a pie.

Sorry for your friend, TH.

[This message edited by kernel at 2:24 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5189 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 9

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