All in all, I think we have a very good foundation started for our healing. We have a long way to go, but I grow more hopeful week by week that we can get there.
Remember that there will be dips in the rollercoaster even when things feel like they're going great. That doesn't mean it's all for nothing - it's just a part of the process.
I have great hope for you two!
Of course this makes things harder right now, but I also want you to know that at just a month out, I can't think of a single case here where TT/new DDay's weren't still rolling out.
I only had a few days between him saying "We never touched" then "ok, we kissed" then "Yeah, we had sex one time."
Thankfully (?) there came a point where FWH realized that witholding any information was just going to keep tearing the wound open again and again and again, and we spent several sleepless nights jogging through his memory for any "missed" items.
Finding out he had talked to some of his friends about this felt like a new DDay and a dealbreaker. Finding out he thought about her while having sex with me was another. Him telling me that he fantasized about moving in with her broke my heart all over.
The thing about being three years out from this that actually helps me process all the pieces is that they feel like one, ungly, disgraceful package instead of bomb after bomb.
Remember that you are under no obligation to make any decisions right now. There are likely more details hiding, but you can survive this. Breathe, process, take care of yourself... and watch him. Is he telling you new information in an effort to heal or is he only confessing after being busted? His attitude and willingness to work will hopefully carry you through the new details and mind movies.
one thing i didnt see in you list....transparency. do you have full and complete access to all of his methods of communications.
and most important....and should be non negotiable....access to his phone records. you can have access to the physical phone...that is fine. but you always want access to the phone bill that will list out all of the phone numbers, text messages, dates times....all of it.
their is typically a lot of horrible things in the phone records...the ugly truth is right in front of you. but him willing to release them to you will tell you that no matter how embarrassed or ashamed he is of his behavior, he wants to come clean.
if he doesnt, then you will know that he is full of shit.
but the phone records will reveal when, and to whom the text were sent. it will also show you a detailed account of all of the incoming and outgoing calls...the length the calls, and when they were made. it is very revealing. and a wayward....so close to dday, must be required to provide access to those phone records to ensure complete transparency. if all of the communications with the ow are old...great...you will not be surprised...but let it all be out in the open.
no secrets. if everything he is saying is 100% legit, then he will not mind at all providing you with access to those phone bills, or online password to the call detail.
i am saying this because so many people on SI told me this...and i didnt make it a require to r. i didnt see the need. i made a lot of excuses on why it was okay not to get them. it was sad. i wasnt ready to be strong.
9 months later i found out i was in false r. he was still cheating. if i had those records, i would have discovered the truth. and him not giving them to me when i asked for them should have been a red flag. but it wasnt. i was too afraid of losing him.
big mistake. what i realized from SI is that i had to risk losing him by being firm on my r requirements if i had any chance of a healthy, transparent m.
have you asked him pointblank for the phone records?
his answer will be either he will grant YOU access to the phone call detail, or he wont. and if he doesnt for any reason...and i mean any reason...then you know he is not sincere.
unfortunately, it really is that simple when it comes to transparency.
a wise SIer once told me..."either he will or he wont. and do you really want to r with someone who wont?"
[This message edited by sri624 at 6:10 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]