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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New guy has no time. Or does he?
InTheRabbitHole
♀ Member
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months. He is a single dad with 50% custody. Kids do a week with each parent.

He has lots of commitments outside of his kids and his work. It doesn't leave much room for me. I'm pretty sure that if he wanted to there could be room for me too. But that's the thing, he says its all these other commitments but I think if he wanted to see me he would find some time.

I think in writing this out I've answered my own question. It looks like its time to move on. But it sucks because I really do like him.


Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2008
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ITRH))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((InTheRabbitHole))

If someone is important to you, no matter how busy you are you make the time.

I'm sorry, it sucks.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
justabrokendream
♀ Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^ This ^^^^^^

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
Thelastknight
♂ Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He probably just doesn't have time. I am a very busy single father. It sucks but it doesn't leave a lot of extra time.


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 951 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((InTheRabbitHole)))

Posts: 34777 | Registered: Mar 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dated a guy who had the same custody schedule of his 3 kids - week on/week off. Seeing each other on his week without the kids was no problem, just occasional other commitments. His weeks with the kids we didn't see each other, and it got to the point where I didn't hear from him during those weeks because he compartmentalized his life with his kids and his life without his kids, and I was in the latter. And he had only been divorced five months when we met, so he was still healing and learning how to be a single man and father.

ITRH, I agree with you. If he wanted to spend the time with you, he would arrange to have the time. At least in the off kid weeks, it shouldn't be an issue.

BTW, I ended it with XBF four months ago because he wasn't ready for a relationship, and he started IC. He contacted me last week and we met this weekend to talk and he wants to start seeing each other again with greatly improved open communication, because he says he realizes what a great thing we had. I'm going to try it, slowly, and we'll see.

My point is you lose nothing by being honest about your expectations with this guy. It is completely reasonable that you'd rather date someone who has time for you in their life. If he can't meet that expectation you move on to find someone who can. If he says he can you have another decision to make, though I'd let his actions show you if he means it.
(((ITRH)))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he is really busy. I am a really busy single mum, but I know I have no time to commit to a relationship right now so I am not actively seeking one.

Maybe he shouldn't be looking for a relationship if he is truly that busy. Maybe a heart to heart chat is in order to work out if he is really committed in having a relationship right now? Does he know how you feel?


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1324 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone is important to you, no matter how busy you are you make the time.
This is absolutely true. Right now, because of the circumstances, my new guy has no time for me at all. He is job hunting, full time student, taking care of and living with family 35 minutes away (with very bad phone reception) etc....

He goes without sleep to see me. He comes over at 5:30 in the morning to spend an hour and a half before he starts school. He puts boundaries with his family and lets them know they get this day or that day, but a few days are sacred for me.

No money and no time make our relationship very difficult, but if it is important to someone, they will figure out ways.

I've been told over and over that if a man wants something bad enough, he will figure out a way to get it. This has held true in every case I've ever seen

(((ITRH))) He doesn't sound ready for a real relationship commitment just yet. He may actually fear getting close to someone but whatever it is...he needs to work thru it on his own and you need to have someone that has already worked thru their issues and are ready for something real and strong.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15195 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InTheRabbitHole
♀ Member
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. We chatted yesterday it sounds like we will be moving on separately. I'm sad and disappointed. However, I agree that if he this busy he really needs to not be actively searching for a relationship.

I'm surprised by how much this sucks.


Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2008
veelop5
♀ Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry...I am going through somethign similar and I am about ready to pull the plug...it hurts...it sucks but think about what we have been through...we will make it ...sending you lots of hugs!!!!


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry ITRH, it really sucks!


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Bombshell
♀ Member
Member # 36058
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in a similar situation. New relationship, "friends" and he's got a job that takes him out of state A LOT and kids.
He was just here in town for four days and we were going to try to get together...but it didn't happen. He felt bad, I was upset and here I am.
I don't want a permanent relationship (it's too soon), but I would like to know I'm not at the bottom of the list.
I'm back and forth about what to do....sometimes I have no patience. I really like him and we've had a great time when we have been able to connect.
I agree....it sucks.

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jul 2012
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, I agree that if he this busy he really needs to not be actively searching for a relationship.

Does he recognize that? Sometimes it isn't until you try to juggle a new relationship that your realize the time thing.

This happened to me. I was doing the OLD thing and when I finally went out with the guy....it was too much juggling. I took down my dating profile in the interim.

Now if the perfect person just stumbles into my life - I will revisit it.

There are many single parents that make it a conscious choice during the 'crazy years' of parenthood (running kids to 3 places at once, etc).


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2061 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months. He is a single dad with 50% custody. Kids do a week with each parent.
I know you agreed to move on separately but I wanted to chime in. I am a single Dad with 50/50 custody that also does week at a time. I am not ready for a relationship but I do have a friend that I enjoy hanging out with and she enjoys spending time with me. Adjusting to single life, the schedule with the kids, and work is tough but I go out of my way to try to spend time with my friend. I am firmly in the camp of if a guy truly wants to spend time with you he will make the time or at least plan far enough in advance to make time which is what I/we do.

Are there times when I get overwhelmed, yes, I am still new to this but she understands and we work around it and make plans together.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
InTheRabbitHole
♀ Member
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - Thank you. You hit it on the head for me.

I feel like an idiot. He has nothing going on this weekend and doesn't want to spend time with me.

If he wanted to he would.

I'm thinking its time to go NC with him as each message hurts me more.

[This message edited by InTheRabbitHole at 5:05 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2008
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, go no contact and then pick up a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You."

With such a short relationship, you'll be surprised by how quickly you feel better with NC!!!

Find someone who really wants to be with you. You're fabulous and you deserve that!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3318 | Registered: Dec 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ITRH - he has made you an option - don't be one. NC is the best way to go. ((Hugs))

You deserve better and you will find it but only if you let go of this guy completely in your mind and emotions first.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is he dating? He would be probably be good with a woman who just wants to have dinner once in a while, there are some out there. I think he should clear that up in the beginning.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7469 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
InTheRabbitHole
♀ Member
Member # 19319
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deleted his info. No way to get in touch. NC now. :)

I think this was my rebound from my rebound


Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2008
Topic Posts: 21
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