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Newest Member: Puddleoftears (44334)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 6 years and not much reason for my BS to hope
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I really do feel uncomfortable with the way you and your wife feel running this thread. It's really distracting, confusing and uncomfortable.

All I'm going to say is I recommend, as I've said to you both before on seperate replies. You need to figure strategies going forward. There's a lot of rug sweeping. Here's a lot of proclaiming but no strategies.

I love you but I'm not in love with you" give strategies for trust etc. that's what I'd look into

1 dumbhusband i recommend you look at cognitive behavioural therapy websites , my wife has often for her assignments used this so I'm sure that they are valid.

I wish you both the best of luck and hope you will both hopefully be able to afford individual counselling at some point. I think it is necessary.


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you use this thought process a lot? It will "stay in class" (stay online, on a business trip, in whatever self-contained world)?

What class was it? Something you liked or something you did not like?

I have used it before, yes. This class was a work training class. I was sent off for 2 weeks. Apparently, I need to make sure I don't travel anymore without my BS! Given my prior job, a case could be made for that.

Solus sto: thanks for joining the conversation. Some days, my wife feels exactly as you state. She's just done. When she asks, I comply and I leave. When she allows me to return, I promptly do so.

Marx: thanks as always for your input. Sorry for any uncomfortableness. CCW and I are working on communication so we want all things transparent. I agree the strategies need to be worked upon. I've been focusing on mine. CCW is still day to day with her feelings so we are definitely on the roller coaster still. Thank you for the input and suggestions. We're looking into ICs who are part of our insurance as a start.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am like you 1DH......I will never be able to let my hubby travel alone again without me. He did so for 20 years and look where it got us???? A one way ticket to A.

This is not to say hubby can't go on the odd boys weekend. Two of his good friends have been let in on the state of our marriage and I could trust them to make sure nothing happened. Not that I don't trust hubby but having outside confirmation right now is so helpful.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently, I need to make sure I don't travel anymore without my BS!

When did this kind of behavior start? Were your parents strict? Did you go crazy when out of their sight?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did this kind of behavior start? Were your parents strict? Did you go crazy when out of their sight?

Well the traveling was for my job (I used to be a pilot). I gave up that profession and now work as a technology software consultant. I may have an occasional trip for training or to a client site, but that's going to be rare. I know this is obviously one of my triggers to start down the path I was on, but I will find other coping or healthier choices from now on. Plus I make sure to share all browser history and electronic communication with my wife now. No, my parents weren't strict. I did talk with my BS about my past conflict avoidance and compartmentalizing behavior since childhood. I do have some FOO issues that I never dealt with or addressed.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You didn't answer the question. When did you start messing around during your travels? From your first flight? A year into your flying career?

Did you ever have affairs or inappropriate behaviors locally?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apologies US, I misunderstood your question. I started my online habits before my BS and I ever got together. As far as when my online habits started, it was probably early 2000s sometime. So i was still flying, just mainly smaller planes and such. I wasn't traveling as extensively at that time. As far as meeting people from CL or my actual PA, that all started and occurred in late 2011. The meeting people occured where we regularly traveled for work (recurring weekly trips to CO) and the PA was local. I was well entrenched in my careeer then. However, even though I had not met with anyone since 2011, I was still going online and doing the same things that led me down that path in 2011 as recently as May of this year.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

early 2000s

So you were in your early 20s. You have been escaping your life for your entire adulthood. Add the deliberate escaping through hobbies... What is it that you fear about living your real life?

What is the longest that you have ever gone without your online habits or the later escalations?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of my escaping has been a fear of rejection and poor self image. The longest I've gone has been a couple months probably. My escalations happened while I was still in that job. Now I'm home and don't have to travel extensively for work anymore.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fear of rejection and poor self image.

Do you think your wife accepts you?

The longest I've gone has been a couple months probably. My escalations happened while I was still in that job.

So you changed jobs recently? Your DDay with that class person was June, right?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think your wife accepts you?

Before, I still had doubts. Today, I know she accepted me then, and I know she does now. However I don't know if she'll be able to accept my actions and the pain and hurt I've caused her.

So you changed jobs recently? Your DDay with that class person was June, right?

At the end of 2011 I left my old profession to seek out one which would allow me to be home more often. I now work in technology consulting and most of my work is done virtually via web meetings. Correct, my DDay was in June and it was right after that class I attended. I had to attend a 2 week training class with people from other companies. The person I flirted with Inappropriately was from another company and lived in another state.

[This message edited by 1DumbHusband at 9:14 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I'm home

Are you home alone during the day? Does your wife work?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I typically work from an office. I was working from home over the past year on Fridays because of my 14month old. Now he's in day care and I will be working from the office all week. My wife works as well. Usually though we try to coordinate our WFH days.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
wwcrash
♀ New Member
Member # 40843
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry y'all are going through this. I'm a fww and in the reconciliation decision making process ( if there is such a thing).

Anyway, I wanted to just say how important a counselor is to this process! The advice you get on this site is great, but Ialways have to remind myself that everyone on here is posting from their own personal bias, typically. There are many many counselors who will see you and charge you on a sliding scale... check out United Way. You mentioned insurance.... do not wait any longer to get into counseling!! An IC for each of you and maybe a separate MC for you both together.

Best wishes.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: SE US
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Crash. As an update, we are doing IC/MC with the same counselor. We have gone for 2 sessions thus far and they seem to been helping. However our C cancelled last week and its been rough not having that outlet and having things carry over to this week.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
Topic Posts: 55
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