His reasoning to me-he sees the anxiety it gives me, he doesn't want to upset me, and he doesn't want to hear it from me.
Well excuse me. (and this is why I said waywards feel free to respond) I'm tolerating the fact that OW works for him daily. Every day he goes off to work and I'm at home worrying, the least he could do is tell me the truth. So this is where my question is:
How long does it take for the remorse to set in?
I know he's not having "relations" with her, and every day things get better, but the lies set me back. Keeping her a secret, keeps me at square one.
She also got separated last week and he says he didn't know about it. I struggle to believe that being he lies about little things, why not lie about big things?
He says he feels horrible, he says he feels guilt...and I believe that to an extent. Is there a time line on remorse? If so, someone please show it to me? He almost lost everything, he gambled with EVERYTHING-job, family, marriage, etc.
They need to know right up front that it will take years, hard work, honesty, but if they can do that, it will build a closer relationship than you ever had before he affair.
Get some good books and work through them together. "Not Just Friends" is good by Shirley Glass. A lot of others listed on one of the forums.
He needs to know that what you are going through and how you are acting is perfectly normal. You are not crazy or unreasonable. This is a road from hell but with compassion and understanding, you can make it.
We are closing in on the third antiversary and things are much, much, better.
But that took rages, bonding, counselling, books, hours of talking, and compassion on both of our parts. It wears you out!!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I also need to add that we do talk about it. We talk about it daily. I feel like I beat a dead horse...and I can beat the hell out of a dead horse. He and I are opposites, he's a man of few words anyways, while I have words forever. In the back of my mind I remind myself that isn't a talker. He answers my questions, he listens to me go on and on. Tonight I asked him what other reassurance he could give me other than his words (which clearly aren't always the truth) and he said I just have to show you.
This is a high risk pregnancy. We thought we were going to lose the baby very early on. It is a miracle I've lasted this long. I wake up at 4am every morning with panic (this has gotten better). He saw me not eat, he saw me sob, he saw the 10 lbs I dropped rather than gained, he saw the stress the A put on me...so I do understand him not wanting to "upset me when it's nothing." I believe I need to be the judge of what "nothing" is but he doesn't give me the chance.
Also, how do you control your thoughts of; this is normal behavior for WH, vs. he's not giving me what I need? He goes to the bathroom and brings his ipad, I automatically think the worst----ever though he did that BEFORE the A.
Am I over thinking and applying what I "THINK" remorse should look like rather than accepting what HIS remorse is?
Am I stupid for even thinking this R issue is a me issue rather than blaming him for everything. I know I'm an analytical thinker anyways, he just isn't.
And the mind movies. OMG someone tell me how to turn them off, they are horrid.
You need to know if he has interaction with OW that's not strictly necessary. Better the truth than the uncertainty and mind movies. *Those* cause more stress than the unpleasant truth. If him taking his iPad into the bathroom with him makes you uncomfortable then he needs to stop. Doesn't matter if he did it pre-A or not. Habits can be changed.
*You* set the requirements for R. If one of those requirements is him telling you of every interaction with OW, then that's what he needs to do. It's on him to prove he's safe to be with. And right now he's not very safe.
It's good that he's willing to talk, short on words though he may be BUT those words need to be the truth. No omitting, no glossing over, no outright fabrications. YOU decide what you need to know, not him.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.