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User Topic: Help...relapse
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DS is an alcoholic. Just got word that he relapsed, got on his scooter, had an accident, DWI. He had been sober since Feb 2012, confirmed by multiple blood, urine, hair tests. He claims this is the first time. Good news is, no one hurt, he called the person in charge of his recovery, she's trying to get him inpatient treatment.
I am so sad...for him, for our family. He was trying to get back to work, just got his professional license reactivated.
Any advice, encouragement? I'm so worried...


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice but sending good thoughts and mojo


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52581 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your pain. It is a special kind of hell to love a substance abuser, whether drugs or alcohol. No advice, but sending lots of empathy to you.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but I don't have any advice. Sending strength, good thoughts, and hope.

Posts: 35812 | Registered: Mar 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((scaredyKat & DS))))

My only advice is this - love him, support him, but remember that this is his battle. Sending you all strength.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25699 | Registered: Aug 2011
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, SK. I am so very sorry. No advice, there isn't much you can do but hope that he makes the right choice. Good sign that he called for help right away.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((scaredyKat and DS)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37987 | Registered: Sep 2007
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is shutting me out. I know that is okay, it's his battle. He has never been one to blame anyone but himself. That's scary, how much he beats himself up. But he has that bravado that all addicts have, that he is(was) too smart to relapse.
I made him maintain his health ins, hopefully he is covered for inpatient. He voluntarily signed up to be monitored by this professional organization, to be mentored, tested and nagged in recovery. He didn't have to do this, he never drank on the job, but felt he needed this kind of guidance. Thank God. His sponsor, not the AA sponsor is going with him to court tomorrow and he is talking to her.

Thanks. I am a mess. They never stop being a piece of your heart, do they?


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((scaredyKat))))

I remember attending a meeting one time with a friend and a speaker was saying that he was clean for a long time and he made a decision one day to just take one drink, which landed into more and then he got arrested for something. He said that one decision can change the rest of your life - even you've been clean for a long time. So, this might be the one thing that will be it for your son. He was clean for over a year so that's a good sign. Maybe this time its going to be for good.

Sorry you are going through this.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((scaredyKat)))

My son was sober 4 years, and decided to go out there again.

That lasted a while and did not end well.

He may be allowed to drive again someday.

I understand.

Addicts think differently than "normal" people. It is definitely his battle, not yours.

Detachment helps. In fact, it is crucial.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK,

Huge hugs!!! {{{{{ SK }}}}}

Do you attend Al-Anon? I forget if you've said. That's my "advice". I'm still dedicated to attending my favorite Al-Anon group (had many to choose from when it was suggested to me to attend 90 meetings in 90 days when my issues with my SA/alcoholic were most intense!!), and it seems there are currently mostly parents of addicts there. It's a very heart-wrenching thing. Just remember, the main thing you can do for your son is to model recovery.

Hang in there!!


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Aug 2010
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've been to Al-Anon, N-anon, Al-ateen and am a charter member of S-anon. I go where nobody knows my name...I know about detaching, leaving it to them, it's so hard when it's your kids, you KNOW they are beating themselves up, and I worry about him hurting himself. He's healthier than he used to be but he has said some scary stuff in the past about dying young.

He is better today, his dad talked to him about sobriety not always being linear. He has an appt at an inpatient center tomorrow. His advocate's words to me "it's the smart ones who always think they've got this disease beat." Yep.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've been to Al-Anon, N-anon, Al-ateen and am a charter member of S-anon. I go where nobody knows my name...I know about detaching, leaving it to them, it's so hard when it's your kids, you KNOW they are beating themselves up, and I worry about him hurting himself. He's healthier than he used to be but he has said some scary stuff in the past about dying young.

He is better today, his dad talked to him about sobriety not always being linear. He has an appt at an inpatient center tomorrow. His advocate's words to me "it's the smart ones who always think they've got this disease beat." Yep.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sK and DS)))


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sk, I've been pondering this all day and trying to think what to say that will be comforting. Because it took me a LONG time to get it. Multiple chances. So many "relapses". But I was never really sober, kwim? And I have no idea what was different this time. But everything was different.

I heard a speaker say this once and it's heartbreaking but true. Alcoholics don't take advantage of second chances. They take advantage of people who give them second chances." That was so true for me.

I hope and pray that this will be your son's bottom.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2776 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks HFSSC, I hope we have been appropriate. He has his own money, resources. We welcome him when he comes home, ask about his friends in recovery, job hunting, newsy stuff. Once in awhile we talk deeply, we aren't avoiders, all the family dysfunctions are out in the open now, but they aren't dwelt on unless an issue arises, then we deal with it.
So I'm not sure of what you mean by "taking advantage of people who give second chances" I see him as being on his own, coming "home" for visits and laundry:). He didn't even tell us about this issue, his advocate/mentor did, only because she couldn't get ahold of him.
I'd really love your insight and value your opinion


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK I guess I was thinking more about the not taking advantage of second chances part of it. That relapses just seem to make no sense, especially when someone has been given opportunities and faced consequences. I didn't mean to imply that he was taking advantage of you or others, just that when we are in active addiction, it's more likely that we'll take advantage of situations, rather than using our chances wisely.

I hope that made sense. And again, I really, really hope that your son gets it a lot quicker than I did.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2776 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh for sure, but then nothing about addiction makes sense. Your words do, though, and I hope you are right. And I'm so happy for you.
Thanks for paying it forward.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat:

I can feel your fear, pain, and helplessness. I put my family through all of that. It sounds like you understand this is not your fault. And while part of you must detach to stay healthy, I understand the stronger part of you will do one thing and one thing only...love him unconditionally and with every fiber of your being. You are truly between the worst rock and the hardest place, and you have my sympathy.

I am coming up on 19 years clean/sober. Before that I had my "chronic relapsing" phase which lasted about 5 years - inpatient programs, outpatient programs, brief soberish/dry drunk periods. Before that...active addiction from about halfway through college. Before that heavy partying from midway through high school.

My story is not unique. My recovery not perfect. But I did learn a few things along the way.

1) I was a tough nut to crack. One of the "terminally unique" and grandiose addict/alcoholics who are too smart, clever, and selfish for their own good. We have a tough time believing we can't just think our way out of addiction. Delusions and denial rule our behavior, and "getting real" and asking for help aren't our strong suits.

2) I couldn't get sober until I changed my people, places and things. Period. Has your DS done this. Completely?

3) Meetings are key. Every meeting I walk into I am, symbolically, raising the white flag. Asking for help. And admitting I belong and am right where I need to be. Especially important early on, and I still hit quite a few to this day, and pay back through service work.

4) Lies. Assume much of what he says regarding frequency and recovery are "untruths" at this time. He can't be honest to those around him because he can't be honest to himself.

5) I finally got sober when I became, as they say, sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hope he will get to that point before the consequences of his actions start to take the toll on self, and possibly others, which cannot be reversed.

I'm not sure if any of this helps. There is always hope. And while my life hasn't been perfect since I finally became truly sober, it has been better on my worst sober day than it ever was on my "best" addicted day.

The gift of sobriety is something only he can give to himself. I hope he'll do just that, starting right now.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 19

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