Not sure how to help. Maybe send her a note just saying, love you, want to be there for you, setting up a weekly or bi-weekly visit with her or your grandchild. With a new baby coming, maybe offering to babysit one night a week so they can have a date night or bringing dinner one night a week so she does not have to cook? Also, if she is on Facebook, sharing pics of those special moments.
I know my grandparents were not there when I started school, nor were my parents for their grandchildren or my siblings now for their grandchildren. Maybe that is the norm now, but it seems a little excessive to me.
Hugs to you. You sound very loving. Maybe being busy with your own things would make her miss you a little? Hope other grandparents respond for you.
From your post I get the impression that she identifies with the rich in-laws and wants to please/fit in with them.
I don't think that you are going to get anywhere with her attitude by trying to be open and honest. Doesn't sound like she values your relationship... yet.
I hope that she learns to appreciate all of your efforts and love as she brings up her own children. I don't think I understood how much my mom did until I had the 'mom' perspective. And I spent a lot of time expressing belated thanks for the childhood she provided for myself and my siblings.
And if that doesn't come to fruition, she is probably going to want/need more of a hand from you once the number of her kids doubles. I hope that more grandkid time is coming your way.
I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry that she dismisses your efforts to participate in her life and that of her family as 'craziness'.
Keep your door open... At this point she will twist any confrontation into victimhood.
Exactly! Thanks. Doesn't matter how I approach, she doesn't appreciate me making her feel "guilty." To me, the guilt is self-inflicted. I know her well enough to not come at her that way, but sadly, nothing is working. Maybe one day...
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
Now her grandbaby had some health problems and her daughter is much more willing to have her around, even asks her to visit, etc.
We don't see her as much but let her know we always miss her and are happy for her but there if she needs us.
What about finding someone to put all your good energy to? After yourself - some kids? It won't be your grandbaby(ies) but all kids are wonderful.
Hugs to you. Maybe someday she'll get wise (I myself took a long time but fixed it well before motherhood LOL).
IDK what is wrong with people anymore...
Shower her with love and gifts is all I can think of.
Buy her an all inclusive spa package for 2! That way she can take her spouse or a friend. Tell her you are able to babysit anytime etc. etc...
Send her flowers on special dates or send thinkin of you cards etc...
I don't know nor understand how a child can treat their momma that way. I was up my moms arse all the time. She passed way to young...Makes me sad..
I took care of GS (she never married his sperm donor)5 days a week so she could work without daycare expenses. I did this from birth-8yrs old.Loved it, her and I were very close.
She married 4 yrs ago and is very happy. I lived 5 min from her and only saw them on a few holidays and birthdays. I now live 45 min away and see them randomly a few times a year and never on holidays. I usually spend them alone now.
Like you, I get a phone call once every other week and see pictures on FB. She is my only child I gave birth to and had her in my teens. I raised her on my own for many years.
All I can think of what caused the change is I don't fit in her new life. We are very different but always were close. I've struggled the last 5 yrs and haven't shared much with her because she judges my decisions harshly.
Now I do my own thing and catch up when she calls. I FB and text with my GS13.
I may not be part of her life but I am thankful she has a wonderful, secure, loving marriage. For me that has to be enough.
Hugs, I do know how you are feeling.
ETA: She also is living the country club lifestyle and will never have any financial issues. I lost most of my security in the D. I'm trying to build a retirement acct and survive. Her assets value in the millions and they owe no money. I don't fit.
[This message edited by gma56 at 4:10 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
My heart breaks for you.
We have 2 of our kids who have tossed us aside!!
Both due to their spouses! I take no responsibility for them, as adults. They have abandoned all our values and teachings. One is married to Princess, the other to Dick! Not sure about the first one, but definitely money involved with #2. We have 2 DGB each, and sadly, they will never know us.
Everyone tells me they will be sorry some day. I can only hope. #2 has already had anxiety attacks (for which I was called) but was again thrown away once it was going better. I told #2 I believe a big part of it is due to the treatment of us. #2 agrees, but still doesn't change anything.
Since we know #1 would throw anything we buy out, we have started secret (to the parents) savings accts for all DGB's. That way, when they are adults, they will know that, indeed, we were here all along.
Sorry, didn't mean to t/j
Sad how money really does change people.
Sending hugs, ((dlock))
When I had babies, I made a rule that we would be at home Christmas morning, as a nuclear family. I wanted to have a few of my own family traditions before my kids grew up and left the house.
Otherwise, I would have had to wait until both my MIL and my mom pass away before I could start my own. By that time, there's a good chance I could be a great grandma. I'd miss my opportunity for having any traditions.
I'm sure it looks mean from the outside. But, as the primary income getter in my house (I work 60 hours a week), there are some times where nuclear family time won't be compromised.
I know this doesn't address everything....
But I think it's rather odd that you would expect to be present on the day your DGD gets on the school bus for the first time. That's a time for parent and child. If my mother had wanted to be present the first time my DS got on the bus I'd have seen it as a violation of boundaries.
I haven't spoken to my mother or anyone on that side of the family for years now and it has nothing to do with my SO or Money. It has everything to do with her and her toxicity.
I'm not saying you are toxic but is it possible that she perceives something between you and her that you are not aware of?
[This message edited by InnerLight at 11:16 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
if there is anything toxic between us, I don't know what it is and have asked many times, to which I get a nasty response.
She has nothing to do with any part of my family since she has married, we come second to her in-laws, if at all.
She never knew her father so if she did inherit anything, I don't know but even though he was a total jerk, he was very close to his family.
When this grandchild was first born, I drove every week leaving my house at 4:30 a.m. to watch her so my daughter could work and not worry. The ride was 1-1/2 hour one way.
I will never understand how, for whatever reason, an only child can treat her mother, who raised her completely alone, like this. I would think now that she has children she would understand how difficult it must've been for me having no support system at all where she has a very large one. I do offer to babysit all the time and get to about every 2-3 months for a day. Her other grandmother will keep her for a week several times a year.
My daughter's one excuse for not coming over is my dogs. I have 3 mastiffs but they don't bother anyone, don't jump, don't bark, are very well behaved. She just doesn't like dogs.
Thanks everybody, it all helps. And to those of you with the same problem, I believe our hearts are in the right place and I guess that's all we can do.
For a little over a year I've been working with a counselor and we talk about family things and she said that my sister sounds narcissistic-I felt some of that when I read dlock's message, esp. with the family members on the other side of the family.
Also, our daughter takes me for granted and it sounds like your daughter may do the same, dlock. I am the less exciting, always there parent and she is quite ready to toss me aside when someone glittery comes along, yet it's me who is the staying strength and caregiver in her life.
I'm very sorry for the hurt that's being caused for you and I feel it too from my own mother, who I have always wished to feel accepted from...she has this way of making me feel like I can't do anything right, but with the help of counseling, I've learned that part of it is my mother's issues and inability to carry on true relationships with people.
I find that this hurt pushes me away almost like a reflex and then I get whining from my mother, who lashes out at times in her frustration, or almost begging from my daughter, when she's gone too far...it simply makes more stress for me and a circular pattern that I can't seem to stop.
I find the harder I try with either of them, the more I get bitten by the hurt. So I let them each come to me.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
I have 3 mastiffs
I wouldn't visit anyone with 3 mastiffs, especially with babies. Of course, that does not explain her not wanting you to visit.
Maybe her BH is controlling or abusive.
Had a similar situation in our family in which my first cousin severed all contact with my aunt and everyone else in her FOO after she got married. She married a wealthy psychiatrist. My aunt is a doll, and none of us were ever able to understand why my cuz did this, but our suspicions have always been that her H was behind it all.