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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Crappy surprise after 2 years
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut reaction: WHY isn't his # blocked from her phone?


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 891 | Registered: Jun 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

all i can say is that there was no history of his # in her phone.

Did you check her phone, or phone records?

I am very sorry to be the one to say this, but this does not sound like a "drunk text". A drunk text out of the blue is normally something like "hey I miss you" or "I'm thinking about you", not a sex act.

OW tried to break contact on and off for 3 years. When she would try to break NC with FWH it always began something like "I know you don't want to talk to me..."

Everyone is different, but this is unlike anything I have heard of in my 5 years on the board. I am not saying "your wife is still cheating", but I am telling you to be cautious, keep your eyes and ears open. Do not rug sweep this incident.

Depending on how often you have your wife's phone, statistically speaking, the probability of the ONE time in TWO YEARS that OM texts your wife, and it happens at a time when you have possession of the phone? Minute.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, 2 years, that would be a shock. My WH got a text about 4 months after NC from the OW only she was accusing him of something, giving out her # to someone who was calling her with obscene calls.

He called me immediately (he was out) and told me about it. We discussed what his response should be and I asked him not to delete anything until he got home, which he did.

It was actually kind of a blessing, because if he had any bit of thought left about her being such a nice person , it was gone then. He took all the blame for their connection, said he pursued her, she was really nice and thought they ended it amicably as neither of them were ever going to leave their spouses anyway.

The idea that she thought so little of him all along to think he would do that killed what was left of her great image in his mind. She really didn't know him at all.

Of course, he didn't know her either. She lied about many aspects of her life to make herself more attractive to him, that facade is now gone, as is that of your WW's former OM, I'm sure.

PS WH told her neither one of us would have done that and don't contact him again. Then he blocked her #.

[This message edited by PamJ at 5:32 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC= no new hurts.
If you change the number you get no drunken ......or deliberate texts!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jul 2009
thisisnoteasy
♂ New Member
Member # 35129
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE....

Decided to check phone records reluctantly... There was a phone call the day before that lasted 17 minutes (incoming from OM) and 8 texts back and forth. When I spoke to her, she explained that he called to ask how she had been, and she said it was a 'cordial' conversation with him talking about his life and vice versa--- she told him how well the marriage was going, big 20th anniv trip to FLA coming up, etc. I was actually able to wrap my head around that and felt I could accept it with a little time to chill out. The BIG issue is that the next day SHE texted HIM. I asked wtf were you texting him? She said she just needed to vent about a crappy day at work. WOW. Crushed.Hurt beyond belief. Our marriage has been so good these last two years. We text each other about our bad days, just when were bored, etc. She chose to reach out to him. Her answer is " I dont know why, im stupid, im a bad person for being so dumb, it was random," etc.... I'm not even angry, I just feel like everything we achieved, all of the great times we have been having has all been tainted. Haven't eaten in over 24hrs. Told her I want to go out to dinner tonight and talk. 3 teenagers at home, we both work full-time, our 20th anniv trip to Miami is next freaking week. Arranged for our 2 best friends to meet down there to surprise her. I feel really f****d

[This message edited by thisisnoteasy at 3:24 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


ME: BH - 44
Her:FWS - 43
Dday - End of July 2011
3 Kids - 13,14,17 - Married
20 years (together for 24 yrs)

9/4/13 -- found out they have had some texting and phone conversations 2 years into R.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh god. I am so sorry.

My spouse knows, clearly, that any contact. Any. A minute. A call. A text. Anything I ever find out, results in immediate divorce.

I hope your talk goes well. I would suggest, at a minimum, she needs immediate IC to figure out WTF is wrong with her.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6428 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry.

Considering the context of his text,it's probably safe to say your WW is lying about the nature of their conversation the day before.

I am so sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7395 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I'm so sorry. She's totally covering her ass. His text was falling immediately in line with whatever they've been talking about.

EVEN IF (and we know this isn't the case) she was just venting about a crappy work day, that's a betrayal and she's on bobsled headed down the slippery slope.

Unfortunately, his text that you caught is the red herring that they are back in the A

Crapdammit, I'm so very sorry. Please try to eat something and know that this is not your fault. You gave her a chance like so many of us do and she wasted it. Be strong and do what you need to do for YOU now. We're here for you.

Hugs.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17283 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<When I spoke to her, she explained that he called to ask how she had been, and she said it was a 'cordial' conversation with him talking about his life and vice versa--- she told him how well the marriage was going, big 20th anniv trip to FLA coming up, etc. I was actually able to wrap my head around that and felt I could accept it with a little time to chill out. The BIG issue is that the next day SHE texted HIM. I asked wtf were you texting him? She said she just needed to vent about a crappy day at work. WOW. Crushed.Hurt beyond belief. Our marriage has been so good these last two years. We text each other about our bad days, just when were bored, etc. She chose to reach out to him. Her answer is " I dont know why, im stupid, im a bad person for being so dumb, it was random," >>

This sounds familiar, it is the script I got about why my WH reconnected with his OW after 8 months of NC, and then the "I'm stupid" after 2nd DDay which kind of lets him off the hook for his intent and behavior, or tries to. Don't let it.


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
Emptyshelldad
♂ Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with the others here, his text was likely right inline with their conversation and texting, trust me I've seen hundreds of sexts from both sexes (as ironically, my friends come to me to help spice up their relationships, if they only knew...) but in my experience, I've never seen anyone sext a statement like that without having laid some ground work first.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. put some phone spyware on her phone to monitor outgoing texts and stuff. and tell her you want a polygraph and any lies will be immediate divorce. that will lead to a "parking lot confession". find the number for a polygraph testing first then call it right after you tell her you want it, and call with her in the room so she can hear you. then whether or not the person says you can do it right away or not, act as though you set it for a few hours from now, and take her out for lunch to "wait out the appt time". during this time watch her behavior, if she's lying and hiding, she may look uncomfortable. also bring a paper pad and pen and begin quietly and discreetly asking her questions and writing down both the question and the answer she gives now.....on second thought this should be fine in the car in the parking lot of the polygraph place where the sign is visible to her. she will likely break down and confess knowing it's going to come out right away anyhow. this is how you.nail down slithering liars (no offense) and get the truth. Abd fyi call places that do probation drug tests because law enforcement often requires people on probation to take them, and they are around 200 dollars. good luck brother.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to see how your meeting with your WW went. You ok?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6428 | Registered: Jan 2011
thisisnoteasy
♂ New Member
Member # 35129
Sad  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sure wish I had better news. It's funny, for the last 6 months or so I have rarely been on this site because I felt it was getting depressing - and mostly that we were doing great as a couple. Better than ever actually. I pitied the people on here that were stung by this infidelity thing more than once. I said to myself - and even to my wife how aren't we lucky that we figured out what happened two years ago. We fixed it. We've rebounded for TWO YEARS SOLID. So now I'm onto the next level. I bluffed her into telling me what the texts she sent were (said that i read them and just wanted her to say it aloud) -- well she did. The Death blow was when she said she texted "I want to see you"

He lives 300 miles away and it's not that I thought she would see him in person, but the text "I want to see you" just broke me. She's begging and pleading for me to forgive her. Telling me that she must have some attention seeking issue (no mom around, dad molested her then died young --- all true - i told her 20 years ago she should see a therapist just for these reasons alone - that nobody can heal themselves alone). When the affair first happened two years ago, I understood the role I played in our marriage falling apart, and that is why we were able to come back so strong. This is so much worse as I am sure you all understand why. On a Saturday afternoon out shopping she is telling him "I want to see you" a few hours before we go out -- and have sex that night. I've never felt this kind of hurt. She tells me that she didn't really want to see him, but it was just fun to get the attention, etc. I still love the woman - I really do. I just can't be in a marriage when someone has feelings somewhere else. Of course she says there are no feelings.

So I decided to text the other man some nasty stuff this morning and figured he would not reply. Even though my wife is the one I really have the issue with, my gut wanted him to hear something from me. Well, he texted back. First he said "Don't be a moron, I'm gone, see a therapist ASAP. A minute later he texted "I'm very sorry for what I did, I am a piece of shit and I'm all f*kd up from my divorce." I guess I really am a nice guy, because the apology actually was good to hear, even if it doesn't really help the situation. I asked if he would talk voice with me for a minute, telling him it would not get ugly. He said he would call me tonight, apologized again, and said he was "on my side" - which I guess just means he hopes our marriage isn't over. Maybe I don't need to talk to him - I just figured I could get something out of him to make me feel like the truth is 100% out - not sure. Thanks for letting me vent a long one here -- I really can't get the image of her texting "I want to see you" out of my mind.

[This message edited by thisisnoteasy at 3:22 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


ME: BH - 44
Her:FWS - 43
Dday - End of July 2011
3 Kids - 13,14,17 - Married
20 years (together for 24 yrs)

9/4/13 -- found out they have had some texting and phone conversations 2 years into R.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im really sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7395 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. Shit. I'm so so very sorry.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6724 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself. What is her IC experience? She needs help. She is not a safe person to be in a relationship with.

What do you want to do? Have you talked with OM yet? He is not on your side. Really he is not. Whatever he tells you- compare what your wife told you if you must. But consider the source.

Thinking of you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the affair first happened two years ago, I understood the role I played in our marriage falling apart

And so you fixed the marriage, but she didn't fix herself. Another illustration of marriages not causing affairs.

She HAS TO work on herself. Yes, she does have an attention seeking problem. And if she doesn't fix it, you could be the Best Husband Evah and she will continue to cheat on you.

I'm sorry. I am glad you were able to talk. But it is a fucking stab in the kidneys.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6428 | Registered: Jan 2011
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry to hear this. THIS, right here, is what I am so deathly afraid of in my own situation with my WH. I wish you the best of luck, and I'll be sending good thoughts across the internets for you!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This.....wow.....I had to sit down. I am so sorry. I think I have to agree with a few other people.....did she do any IC the first go round or was it only MC? Did you even do MC????

She has big issues to deal with and I think, if it were me, I would expect that a cell tracker is in order and all other forms of openness that you need to feel safe. I am sure you have already told her how her horrible behaviour makes you feel. If you haven't do it in MC. Find an MC that will back you up.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say how sorry I am that it came to this.
I hope you rest in the assurance that you did everything YOU could.
you have integrity and gave her the gift of recovery.
proceed with caution.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4899 | Registered: Dec 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think talking to him is going to help anything. You KNOW the truth, and no amount of lying or apologies from him is going to change anything.

It's time to cut the cancer. How deep you cut is up to you, but we back you 100%. Yes, your WW has significant FOO issues, but as our second (and best) MC said to me "Just because [he's] sorry and broken doesn't mean you have to stay."

I'd like to say I would pack FWH's bags and light them on fire if he ever did this again, but I can't say that with certainty as I haven't actually been there.

Betraying someone and then FAKING R and continuing to pursue the AP after they saw how it DESTROYED them? That just seems like a harder pill to swallow than someone cheating because they didn't bother to think about the consequences in the first place.

Well, you just take care of yourself right now. You don't have to make any split decisions. Breathe, drink water, eat ANYTHING that sounds palatable, and just process.

I really think that firm NC should be established with the OM. From both of you. He is a black hole that will suck all that is good out of your situation plain and simple - you don't need any contributions from him to make sense of this.

(((thisisnoteasy)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:55 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17283 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 67
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