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User Topic: Taking Back a Sexual Trigger - WS perspectives needed, too
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@1ost0ne ~ that is great!

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One trigger at a time!

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost0ne- I am so happy that you were able to take back a trigger! Good for you!

Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My affair consisted of kissing and a blow job, so those acts were very hard on my husband. He did make them his own again, by basic 'exposure'. He didn't generally mention that beforehand, but we did talk about it. Sometimes when he triggered so badly we couldn't continue, sometimes in non sexual conversations. As for my experience - I did have difficult moments. I've triggered the early 'what have I done'-panic a few times. It helped to keep my eyes open and focus on my husband and the sensory input from his body - thouch, look, scent, sound, taste. Helped me get back to a better emotional connection.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
♀ Member
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I thought I would update my post.

This past weekend I was going to try to take back one particular sexual trigger that I have been unable to initiate since Dday. I didn't think I had any other triggers regarding sex. Turns out I do.

WH and I went away for the weekend and stayed at a hotel. (Backstory- WH and OW went from an EA to a PA while WH was on business trips and they stayed together at hotels.) The first night as we became physically intimate, the mind movies flooded in imagining them together. I tried to hold it together but began crying. WH wanted to stop and hold me but I told him I needed him to finish. I did not expect my reaction. It was basic sex that we have had plenty of since Dday but the setting was the trigger.

Afterwards, we held each other. I ended up telling him that I had planned to try to take back a trigger during the weekend but it wasn't that and now I didn't think I could do it. He was supportive of whatever I wanted.

The next time we had sex at the hotel during the weekend, it went much better and I hardly triggered at all. Hopefully, that solves that one and now I can try to work on the one that still eludes me. Perhaps we will have to practice at home first.

Thank you to everyone for responses. It really helps to be able to "talk" about these things with others who understand. I have no one IRL to talk to.

Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40386
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to ever give my WH a BJ again. Why get on my knees for him & give him something I know he so badly wants! Feels to me like I would be rewarding him. Massive trigger for me so I'm steering clear. DDay was just over 4mths ago so maybe my perspective on this will change? Interesting how for so many of us BJs are triggers. In my case the whore OW offering to blow him in her car is what won him over. Makes me sick. I want to take all my triggers back but they make me feel vulnerable. Is that normal? I'm so scared that he'll be thinking about her - he may tell me that's not the case but really, I'll never know.
Would be interesting to get WS perspectives on this.

Me BW - 39
Him WH - 40
Together 12yrs

OW#1 Dday1 9/11 DDay2 11/12 Dday3 12/11
OW#2 Dday1 06/13 (praying for no more)
We are R & it seems to be going well.

Tough times don't last; tough people do

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad I found this post. I have struggled with this as well. He says it was not exciting or adventurous but ... There had to be some connection. So... Since i didn't ask for details, I play the mind movie game and it sucks. We definitely went through HB and to be honest it opened us up to new things and greater connections. I was hurt though because we have always been pretty adventurous- that was OUR thing.
I am ashamed to say that one night I imagined I was her. I experienced my husband for the first time as a new lover. I know it sounds twisted and it did kill the moment in the beginning- but then I realized- I'm better than her. 15 years of this and I know what he likes. A tussle on her couch is nothing compared to what he and I have explored and enjoyed together. So, now... I'm rocking it. I am finally bein more demanding and taking the time to make sure I enjoy it- I'm not just doing it for him.
I guess- for now of course- we all know how this roller coaster goes- but for now- I am confident that what we have is ours because I know him better than anyone. For awhile I felt I was being desperate trying to be "better" than her. Now I realize she has no place in it. I'm doing it for me now- and for us.

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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