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User Topic: Maybe if I write it down I'll realize this situation is hopeless
Pringle
♀ New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, after giving so many chances and being apologized to I thought I would write down all the times I have caught him out and it will be easier for me to realize and move on. Comments, thoughts, advice is welcome from everyone here.
So we get engaged in 2009, everything is blissful and we move abroad together.
- 2011, I find a flirty conversation between him and a woman that lived in our home country and her mentioning that she would never have done what she did if she knew he was serious with me. I ask what she meant, he shrugs t off that it was harmless flirting that went on and she felt bad. To this day I dont know what happened and cant remember the name to even contact and ask her.
-A few months later I see a search on the internet, and saved picture on his laptop of a young blonde girl in a suggestive pose. The search was, “woman to f*ck in the city we were living”. He shrugs it off that he saw it on a billboard and wanted to know what it was and that the picture was just somehow downloaded.
We move on and move to another country for his job and I forgive because i have no real proof. Fast forward to last year. We finally set a date for our wedding for this year June.
-He starts going out alot, comes home at 5:30 in the morning one night and says his colleague lost her bag and they were all searching for it. I knew something was a miss. So I start to get suspicious.
This year I see a message on Valentines day from another woman as the clock strikes 12, saying “Happy valentines day, honey”. He dismisses it as a childhood friend from school that lives on another continent and is married with kids so I should not worry.
-March, I find actual proof of a PA with a woman at work. We call off the wedding.This is not the same woman that messaged him on Valentines.
-After tears and all I decide to perhaps give him another chance, few months down the line, I find emails between him and OW that he had PA with after he told me there was NC.Of course I flip
-I figure out his passwords to his social network sites and find 3 woman that he is speaking inappropriately to in a sexual manner and them reciprocating. Nothing physical comes out of it
-I still stay! He decides to move to yet another country I say no, Im staying where I am with my job. So he says he wanst me to think about it and eventually join him. Now after all the confrontations, he changed all his passwords. Which he shouldn’t have because that shows hes hiding something. Anyway, I figure them out again and low and behold, there he is again, speaking suggestively to random woman on his facebook!He then tells them to rather message him on an app that he has on his phone and deletes all messages on his facebook account(Incase I access it on his phone im guessing) I haven’t told him I have been snooping. Then last night, I noticed hes downloaded an app on his phone that hides when he is online, this is after me confronting him about why he is always online at odd ours of the morning and wanting to know who he has been speaking to.
I know this is a lost cause and I don’t know why I keep going back for more, but I need to see it, read it and realize this is not healthy!This man does not love me!
Oh and his use of internet porn is way over the top! How did I not see this earlier in our relationship???


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2013
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all about giving chances. God knows I've given a few too many.
Gently....you aren't even married yet.
He is showing you who he is...please listen.
I don't even really see much of a 'fog' about him other than he knows you will stay no matter what he does. He *knows* you will buy whatever crap he's selling because he's been serving up shit sandwiches for you for some time now and you keep choking them down because he serves you condiments (lies) to help them.
The trouble is, they are still shit.
You can change this but I'm fairly sure that change won't come with him still with you.
Kudos to you for refusing to move with him! Stay strong and get stronger.
Your guy may figure things out but he isn't hurting yet and it takes some profound, searing pain to get someone entrenched in complete bullshit to really change. Sadly, you won't likely be what causes him that pain. Even if he comes whining back, begging your forgiveness, let him know that he has to work through his issues before you will get cozy with him again. The power is in your hands but you have to wield it or he will stay happy and content to *know* you won't do anything other than swallow whatever he dishes out.
With all that said, writing it out is good.
What do you see in the timeline you've written?


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pringle,

Run from this guy! Consider yourself lucky that you haven't married him yet and don't do it!

He is showing you who he is.

Keep rereading what you wrote down. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38076 | Registered: Sep 2007
Pringle
♀ New Member
Member # 39708
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you beautiulempty and authentic now for your resposes.

I'll keep reading it. All I see is a weak person that is a sucker for punishment and cant seem to let go of someone who cannot be faithful in the hopes that I can somehow change him! Urg I make myself sick


Me: BFiance 30
WFiance 33
DD 15.03.2013
In limbo

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jun 2013
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

writing it down was a great idea and writing and reading it out loud is even better.I think you know the answers to all the questions! being in love is one thing, but being taken advantage of is another. I used to tell my stbxw that I love you but I will not let you abuse me !I also was so blinded by love that I ignored the signs I wish I had someone to tell me to wake up! but everyone minded their own business. You are not even married yet . Do you really believe that things will magically be different when you are? Don't you deserve better? stay strong and do not put up with that treatment! just some friendly advice from a man who has been beaten but not defeated!good luck to you in whatever you decide


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 682 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I had my DDay in 2011 I started writing the betrayals & abuse out to share with my counselor. Page after page after page. The picture my words painted showed in black & white what an complete asshole I was married to, and also showed my own dysfunction. Reading those words helped me detach from him. I couldn't stand to keep living that way. I didn't want to go through any more pain, and I sure didn't want to subject my children to the same doom when they grew up by modeling such dysfunction for them.

Get away from him. You're not married.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have someone to help you through this IRL? A counselor, a friend? I think you need someone to support you in what you know in your heart. (And by writing it down, you took a big step in acknowledging the truth. You really do NOT want to spend the rest of your life like this.) A counselor might be helpful in helping you to figure out why you're staying in this relationship and maybe help you get the strength to move on, and to build a better one next time (and there will be a next time!)

Be strong!


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Writing it all down and reading it aloud sure makes it real, doesn't it? Not single, isolated incidents that are easy to shrug off, but a record of escalating behavior that shows no regard or love to you whatsoever. You've wasted 4 years on this womanizer and have followed him to multiple countries. You see the pattern. Don't make this the pattern of your life. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


All I see is a weak person that is a sucker for punishment and cant seem to let go of someone who cannot be faithful in the hopes that I can somehow change him! Urg I make myself sick

Pringle...I fight this same battle daily but I'm looking at you from the outside right now and I see someone who loves with faith and loyalty, with the kind of brave heart that throws their lot in with someone and moves to different countries. I see someone blindsided by betrayal that never should have been a part of the picture. We all have a hard time gaining perspective on what has happened. No matter who we are, we struggle with this so you aren't being weak. You are gaining perspective. You are reaching out here so that you can get support as well as a broader picture of what is happening to you right now.
Strength is taking that broader picture and using it to stop these things from happening *to* you and begin causing things to happen because you *want* them to. It isn't a fast lesson for most people.
You refused to move with him...this is STRENGTH...not weakness.
Continue on that journey and you will find yourself so strong that, in time, you will see him in an entirely different light. An ugly one he has painted himself in. Maybe you don't want to see him that way but that would be lying to yourself...not good.
You are finding strength in a lesson you never wanted to learn.
Be gentle with yourself.

Oh, and you cannot make him "better". You can only control you. So YOU become stronger and be your own awesome self and know in your deepest heart that if he wants to be in your world,he will have to change himself to fit into it.

(((Hugs)))


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Topic Posts: 9

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