Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lovemyhusband321 (44971)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The gloves are off....
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This a trashy, raunchy, sex rant....

I love my husband despite his affair.

I want to have sex with him so badly I can taste it.

He hasnt done his STD testing yet, but did say he knows he needs to.

I've decided that he's my husband, I love him, and if I want to have sex with him for the fun and pleasure of sex, even knowing he doesn't feel "that way" about me right now, dammit I can have sex with him.

I've read a lot of posts here saying that sex really helped to forge that bond between the spouses again. That's what we need. It's how he feels love...how on earth can he expect to start feeling love for me again if we don't have sex?

He asked me...what if we have sex again but those feelings don't come back for me? I said, "Then we will have had fun having some fantastic sex!".

I've never had sex just for the sex. Ever.

I decided what better time to start! Especially since I'm in love with the person I want to have sex with....

Such a weird thought process for me...

I'm pulling out the stops.

Wish me luck.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, first of all let me say that if he's not tested, the glove should be on. Had to be said.

Second, you're rewarding yourself, and him. If he thought STD testing was important, his actions would show it. He'd have an appt and be there instead of talking about it. Instead, he knows now he doesn't have to bother. He'll get sex anyhow.

Second of all, the HB will be great. Had it through Dec '06. Then he went to Iraq for 3mos and I had a 2d-day. Not a TT d-day, but an all out he kept up the A right in my face and I didn't even see it d-day. He had stopped contact by then (I proved it when I hacked his second secret email). So again, HB. Well, not HB but I would say I decided I needed sex. No emotion, just screwing.

The problem is, like your WH, mine never got in the "do anything needed to heal" mindset. Yeah, he was transparent, yeah he answered my questions (once) yeah it was totally different from the first time. But he also never got provable STD testing, he ended the A his way, he never followed through with MC or IC or even a postnup. He didn't have to, he was getting what he wanted.

Eventually I began to feel like a whore because the screwing stopped being for me because I wasn't getting what I wanted at my core...treated like I was valued beyond what is between my legs. It went from fun to obligation and now it feels...molesting almost. I feel violated.

You might not follow this path. Your WH might actually decide to follow through with actions. Might show his love for you beyond physical. I just wanted to let you know that what seems like a plan to get your needs met is really just using your energy to get wants met. We talk about sexual needs, but it's not like it's food, air or water. We want sex. If you want more in your M, then that want can be held off until your WH shows you he values you by getting those STD tests done.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11187 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb, I completely understand this. I love sex. I hated that the three long term relationships I've had in my life, were subjected to the men cheating. Loving sex and wanting it with them, then caving and having it, I believe, skewed the reality of the situation. It was almost like I was addicted to THEM, and when we caved and had sex, it always made me feel like there was a chance it could work.

The problem is, sex doesn't fix the problems. And while I knew that, it brought us together in a very intimate position. And for the same reason cheaters think they love their AP, it clouded my view of the cheating man I was with.

Eventually I began to feel like a whore because the screwing stopped being for me because I wasn't getting what I wanted at my core...treated like I was valued beyond what is between my legs. It went from fun to obligation and now it feels...molesting almost. I feel violated.

^^^ THIS IS SO TRUE!!! And damn, they didn't even have to pay for it!!

Holly-Isis, I felt this, and it was a huge wake up call. I think it's part of what snapped me back into reality. I saw things for what they were.

Having this type of sex led to a pregnancy with my now ex husband. I have a beautiful daughter who is truly the light in every dark day. But because she was our fifth child, I couldn't leave when reality woke me up. I left two years after she was born.

I don't want to tell you not to do it, but please be careful. I know what it feels like to want that closeness and to feel their skin, and get lost for some time in something other than this utter crap they've created. Just know there can be good and bad from it. Today, for me, sex with my WBF is good and bad. The mind games eventually snuck in, so I never know how it will turn out. The difference is he loves me, I feel this, he says the right things, and he is trying every day to prove this is where he wants to be, and is committed to me.

If you decide to wait... there are some awesome toys out there, no regrets after, and I can almost guarentee no one else will ever want them, once they are yours

[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:22 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback and advice.

There will be NO sex until the STD testing is done. I'm just giving him something to think about at this point.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex has been a very important part of the healing process for me/us. I don't think we'd be doing as well as we are without it. BUT, I have a remorseful, committed, STD-tested spouse.

I'll admit that the first few times were mainly for me, and I was the low desire spouse before. But, you need to protect yourself.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read a lot of posts here saying that sex really helped to forge that bond between the spouses again. That's what we need. It's how he feels love...how on earth can he expect to start feeling love for me again if we don't have sex?

If you want to have sex for the sake of having sex, I'm not one to judge.

However, the part in quotes worries me - just like you can't love someone into remorse/acting right, you can't screw 'em into it either. Even if you're firework-inducing awesome at it.

((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6740 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STD testing should have been part of your demands for reconciling.

That's one of the FIRST things he should have done. What does he mean, "he knows he 'needs' to..."

Nekorb, he needs to start making an effort at reconciliation, not just giving you lip service.

I'd tell him he has 2 days to get that appointment BOOKED.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are places that he could walk into TODAY and get tested. There are urgent care places that do it for crying out loud.

It's simply not important to him. Or, he's scared shitless that he has something.

Either way, I wouldn't touch him until he's tested and you SEE the results in writing.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.