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User Topic: why shouldn't I do the same?
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure others have asked this on here.

Today, I am feeling angry.

I just think, why shouldn't I just go out and have an EA at least--not with a married man but an available one.

my husband can forgive me right? I mean thats what he expects me to do.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
madsadalone
♀ Member
Member # 39201
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you are not selfish and in desperate need of an ego stroking!


Me: BS 46
Him:WH 54
M: 26 yrs
DD 4/29/13
3 kids (25,23,22)

"The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that
they have a greater capacity to diminish us than
exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation


Posts: 80 | Registered: May 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you want to be able to look your kids in the eyes and say, "I keep my promises."

Because you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I am honest and faithful."

Because sneaking, lying and using people is not going to fix your problems or even make you feel good.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 wrongs do not make a right.

Respect yourself.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7033 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
simpleD
♀ New Member
Member # 40321
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it... It will NOT make you feel better. A revenge A will make the situation worse by filling both sides of your marriage with more deceptions & lies. It may also reduce the changes of R. Think of your children. Be the honorable, respectful mother that they need.


BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery

Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you know first hand how deep the pain of infidelity is.

Because you are better than lying, cheating, and hiding.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get what you are thinking. II have had those same thoughts. But no way I could live with the guilt, shame and there are 3 little faces that look up to me and I don't want to change that! If it ever comes to that I would leave first.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how you feel. It is unfair the pain you are feeling and your WS is only feeling guilt. However, you have the higher ground. So if you want to move on, finish things properly and move on with your moral on high.

Hugs. I've been there too.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because it doesn't move you closer to the goal you want to achieve.

At least that's my answer when I start to ask myself that. I felt similarly to you yesterday, angry at my WW and angry at my former friend.

But I try to keep in mind what I want: I want to stay married, I want a healthy relationship with my wife, and me enacting any revenge fantasies wouldn't do a thing to help me get those things.

So I didn't. I talked with my wife last night, after the kids were in bed and we'd both done our workouts. We didn't laugh, exactly, but found amusement in that we'd both had moments where we wished reconciliation was as simply as evening out a balance sheet that way.

Hang in there, remember what you want and what you need, and work towards those things.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because that's using someone to make yourself feel better. It's selfish.

In addition to being unfair to the person you're using, it throws gas on the fire of your home situation.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take it one step further. How about not having an PA at all and just making it up? In the end, you would only hurt yourself.

IOTTH - I feel your anger. We have been stomped on and feel that there should be punishment for the offender. If a WS destroyed your private property, they would have to reimburse you and probably serve some time in jail. If a WS destroys your heart, innocence and trust, they get off without a slap on the wrist. It's an awful justice system.


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nohopeleft
♀ New Member
Member # 40356
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand where you are coming from. Especially after my WS had 2 revenge affairs.

I could never do it. As badly as I would love for him to feel the same pain that I have felt the last year and a half, I could never live with myself.


Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful


Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. . . I really do. But, in the long run, It wont make you look like the bigger person. I know he has inflicted so much pain on you, but do you really want someone else to feel this kind of hurt at your hands? Your kids will find out so will others. All of a sudden you will be the bad guy and not him. I sucks.

I know what you mean though. I would like for my H, to feel for one day the pain I have gone through for fours years. Then he'd finally get it.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first suspected my H was having an affair (before I actually even knew), this was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind. I literally thought, "Two can play at this game." And then I threw up. I was horrified that I had even so much as considered it.

I get what you're saying though.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes think being happy is a far better form of revenge.

And I don't have to use someone, or cheapen myself to do it


Me: WGF
Him: WBF
Together two years DD Feb. 2013
I think we are R??? Time will tell

Posts: 359 | Registered: Jun 2013
iggyD
♀ Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said, it's hard for those thoughts not to enter. I certainly have thought about it more than once.

But the truth is, it likely won't hurt them nearly as much as it did us and if they don't appear to be a devastated, then what?

What would hurt my fWH the most would be divorcing him because of what he did. Knowing that he threw all of our years together, history, the life we've built for an ego-boost away, would hurt him far worse than a RA.


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say your using someone to make your self feel better, presuming, your both adults, and you lay it on the line...but if your not "wired" to find relief, from your reality, in fantasy...
then you won't achieve your end goal. "I did it, cause you did it", will only make you feel worse, if your a person of conscience, and will just compound your misery.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 5:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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