Do not tell your WW that you are going to tell the other man's wife. Just do it asap - with evidence in hand. Since you saved stuff to a word file-- forward it to a secret email acct or flash drive in case your WW deletes everything on your computer. My XWH crashed our computer.
Your WW mentally left the marriage a year ago. She is screwed up to be screwing a man with a new baby.
Be sane. Be focused. Be centered. You are fighting an addiction. This is the same as confronting an alcoholic.
I understand the double betrayal -- friend with wife--because my XWH did the same thing to me.
You can also look on I Can Relate section here as there is a section for husbands and a section for those hit with a double betrayal.
I know you get the need to be in control on Saturday, but you don't need to be aggressive, you need to be calm, cool, and collected, sans emotions. Think of it as a business transaction, and really really really try to leave the emotions at the door. Initally this was damn near impossible for me, and I would end up a blubbery mess, and he couldn't even stand to see it, and would often walk away. But when I was finally able to hold together, and be very calm, and clear on my plan, that was when he got it, and he became the blubbery mess.
((((and strength ))))
The A progressed right under your nose and you were aware of it for a long time. You never stood your ground and confronted her or him.
If you have confronted them at the beginnig and drawn the line, it may not have came to this. It may have ended the A then and there.
You did a good start by seeing a lawyer and drawing up papers but how long can you stay strong before her? That is the thing you have to handle.
Get a VAR/nany cam if you dont want to end up in jail, this happened to many BS. She is not your loving wife now that person is dead, this is a new person and you dont know what she is capable of for having her cake and eat it too, to protect her image in front of others and children.
So, now is the time to man up and be strong, there is no room for any weakness.
you never informed his W. You actually held back truth from OMW for long. She never cheated you, she believed you and you betrayed OMW trust on you. So when you confront your wife also inform the OMW.
One huge help in ending their squalid affair is to tell the OM's wife. The shame and criticism that will be directed at the OM for betraying his family will result in him throwing your wife under the bus. Also threaten to tell your family, WW's family, even school authorities. Whatever works in achieving the isolation of your wife from her fuck buddy.
Don't be influenced by your WW's pleas not to tell the OM's wife and keep the whole liaison a secret. This is what she needs to continue the affair. Like roaches such dishonest betrayals flourish in the dark.
Once the affair is well and truly over, your wife will be more inclined to tread the path of true remorse.
Uh. Sorry to ask but why did you not shut this thing down hard when you saw the first set of texts?
The timeline is that it was "Only" an EA after the first texts and went physical on Air hockey Table day?
How did you know that he spent 90 minutes at your home? Was it already physical and you just wanted to time them? Im confuzzled.
BACK UP YOUR EVIDENCE OFFSITE. On a USB drive given to a trusted friend AND some cloud storage. You can easily get 5Gigs free.
As for R. This site runs a bit more R than my tastes as I have been on multiple forums but I will say this. Too many men try to combine two questions into one when considering R. You need two yesses.
1) Has she done all the necessary things to warrant R?
2) CAN *YOU* live with the fact another man has spewed his goo inside your woman? I have to be graphic to make the point.
There is NO shame in answering no to question 2. We men are territorial animals. Its in your DNA.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to have faith that things will, eventually, be ok -- no matter what happens.
I edit, therefore I am.
I have found out that she is cheating on me with a "mutual friend" who just had a baby girl with his wife, is 15 years younger and is everything that I am not.
There is truth in the statement that he's everything you are not, but the truth is different than what you are seeing. Let me tell you what he REALLY is -
- a cheater
- a lier
- willing to screw around on his pregnant wife without any regard for her
- willing to use a married colleague as an affair partner
- willing to risk his career AND your wife's for his own selfish drives
Yeah. Sounds like a great guy.
And everything YOU ARE NOT. You have boundaries. You have respect for yourself and others. You have a moral grounding. You have integrity and honor.
So the flip of that statement? YOU are everything he is NOT.
Welcome to SI.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
Thanks for the suggestions about the nanny cam as I will make sure that is done.
Question though...if I am telling his wife, doesn't that destroy another family? I am already having trouble destroying my family and the thought of destroying another is hard for me to swallow. But I guess it needs to be done.
You don't owe him or your wife anything. Actually, you don't owe his wife anything either but as a matter of human decency, she deserves to know what kind of low life she is married to.
[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 6:56 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Yes, I should have told her right away...
Repeat that as often as you need for it to sink in. Her actions were her choices.
What is going to stop your wife from further adultery if your request to cease is ignored? Simply the weight of the other BS's anger and the anger of her immediate family and friends.The OM will probably blame your wife and beg for forgiveness from his betrayed spouse, and that is exactly what you need to happen.
Tell the BS.
I would call her with your WW in the room and tell her.
Look don't make any rash decisioins about divorce or stay in the marriage. You are doing good by having your paperwork together. Var in place etc...
Everyone has given you great advice.
You are not to blame for their affair. You are not to blame for the break up of the AP marriage. The WW and AP did this not you.
Her affair has nothing to do with you it is all about her.
You are way more of a man then him! He can never be the man you are never!!! Don't you ever ever think otherwise!
Do you have a counselor? I would advise you to look up a good counselor and a good marriage counselor that deals with infidelity. Also go see your family doctor for the STD testing and if needed some paxil or such if you feel over taxed and anxious. As most of us do when dealing with the affairs of our spouses.
My marriage has survived as a lot of marriages that have went thru this.
Eat drink plenty of fluids and exercise...
I found that exercise exhausted me so I could sleep at night.
Good luck Saturday.
A few things. Take them as constructive please.
1) You need to build your confidence. Hit the gym. It will have two effects. 1) It deadens the pain 2) It makes you hotter which will up your self esteem and you have esteem issues. You need serious ego food my friend and a few thirty somethings flirting with you (But you not responding) will do wonders.
2) Am I correct that you believe hockey table day was first sex? Is this thing still going on?
3 Agree with above. OM ruined his family it is YOUR DUTY to tell wife. She DESERVES the chance to start over with a non cheater and you rob her of that chance every day you wait. Do it directly. OM may try to intercept so start with phone call. INCLUDE OFFER OF PROOF!
[This message edited by Warninglight at 2:23 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]
When my XWW finally came out of her fog (after the D) and realized what she had done to our family, she told me she wished I would've come down hard on her and ended the A immediately, she thinks it would've snapped her out of it in time to save our M.
Be strong brother!
Do not let her do this. It is on her. Her choices, not yours. Stay strong brother.
t/j(threadjack) traildad, don't tell me you let her get away with that! end t/j
[This message edited by 5454real at 9:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]
I think you are being amazingly strong and level-headed despite the overwhelming torrent of emotions you have to be experiencing.
You said you are not very assertive -- sure doesn't sound that way when I read your posts! You are STRONG and you will get through this, no matter what happens.
You've gotten great advice, I really have nothing better to offer. I do whole-heartedly agree that you will likely be dealing with someone thick in the A "fog" and may be convinced that this is her "true love". My WH had a pretty strong case of this on Dday and it took him a long time to extract his head from his behind. Just be prepared. Sometimes they need to see the fallout and trauma of it all to finally start seeing reality. It may not happen quickly. You will just need to decide if you are willing to wait.
Lastly, I need to agree with nowiknow that YOU are everything HE is not. You need to believe that. Don't let her steal your self-esteem along with everything else she's already taken. He's not HALF the man you are. That's obvious to everyone reading this thread.
I wish you the very best of luck. I am so sorry you are stuck in this crazy making land with all of us. None of us deserves to be here. It's a long and rocky ride and, honestly, it just sucks.
Hang in there....