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Newest Member: BellaBoo (44915)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My story
PhoenixReborn
♂ Member
Member # 22135
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Something to consider:

Do you know why your WW & OM were separated at work?
What was the reason your WW gave?

I ask you; is it actually possible they were split up by management because of suspicion or even proof of an affair in the workplace?

Seen that happen in a company I worked at years ago.

I would imagine they would not be advertising the fact.
And your WW is less likely to tell you the 'real' why either.

Food for thought.

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 3:58 AM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j(threadjack) traildad, don't tell me you let her get away with that! end t/j

No, I simply ignored it. But I had reflected on the situation and made the same conclusion about what I should've done differently. If I knew then what I know now, coming down hard and fast would've had two possible outcomes 1) snap her out of the A and start R, or 2) lead straight to D. Both options would've been far superior than what I actually did, which was let her manipulate me for 6 months of pure hell while I tried to get my family back.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cy,

It's very important that you change your mindset from "my wife destroyed two families" and "I don't want to destroy another family" to "my wife and her affair partner destroyed two families through their selfish actions" and "I'm treating the other Betrayed Spouse with respect and dignity by giving her a chance to make an informed decision about her life and the life of her daughter."

Good luck.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6538 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
cytron
♂ New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have purchased a VAR and Nanny Cam to record the confrontation. Have a babysitter to take the kids to a movie and ice cream afterwards. I met with a lawyer and paralegal to draw up all the papers (post-nup, divorce decree and child support) and am fully prepared to tell his spouse what her no good husband and father to their child has done to my family and hers.

That is the part that I am unsure of. I know she deserves to know, but I feel like I am tearing apart another family. A friend of mine said not to tell her and she will find out on her own through the process of us not being married anymore.

Another part I am unsure of is the school thing. I don't think they were split up because of that, but who knows. I never thought in a million years that my spouse could cover anything up because she is no good at hiding her emotions. Guess I was wrong.

Also, how do I handle the kids? There are two teams in fifth grade and my spouse is on one and the dickhead is on the other. They will not have my wife as a teacher, and they will be placed on dickhead's team. There are six teachers on a team and he may get them as students although my spouse could prevent it. I want my kids as far away from that bastard , but I am not sure I can prevent that.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
Painfuljourney
♀ Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a tough situation. But PLEASE please tell his wife. As a BS of WH I would be so grateful to know the truth. When you have to find out like I did 4 years later after the A, it makes you feel so foolish. It makes you feel so horrible not to know all that time. Like the entire past 4 years was a lie and I look back constantly and try to see how he was all this time. It's hard to remember.

Also by telling her they might decide to R and with that might come them relocating. I know I would considering relocating. We had to make some radial changes. My husband worked an out of town route once a week. This is when he was cheated on me, had the OW meet him, she drove 200 miles to be with him for ONS.

Some people end up changing jobs, moving, selling cars or houses that were associated with affair. It's so damaging that change is a good thing. That is part of the consequences. No way could I be around OW on a weekly basis like you might be forced to do. I would NEED change. Your kids don't need to know why. I am sparing my kids of the affair.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want my kids as far away from that bastard , but I am not sure I can prevent that.
You sure as hell can try. Talk to the administration. If your WW is willing to do it with you, all the better, but do it even if she is opposed.

This is a completely valid reason for an administrative intervention on behalf of your children.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25292 | Registered: Aug 2011
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you doubt the wisdom of telling the OM's wife. It's going to be difficult to end this affair as it is, with your wife's obvious worship of her lover. You need every bit of ammunition you can gather, and getting the other BS to weigh in with her contribution will be vital.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
whensitover
♀ Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly hope you read this post-take a little time and if you have to, take a poll. Ask who would and who would not tell the other spouse. Those numbers will not be based off of just their 'opinion' Take a second and look at HOW many people are registered to this site. Those numbers are not there because people were bored and decided to come here. These are real people, with real advice. Advice that is not just 'opinion's but advice that has be tried and tested and proven. They are telling you to tell the other spouse because it is one of the ONLY things you can do to stop the affair. Does it ALWAYS 100% work?? No, not always, but ALOT. But I can tell you this, not saying anything, rarely ever, ever, ever works. You can take a poll on that too, but no matter what, listen to what these people are telling you. They know. Unfortunately, we know.

Posts: 449 | Registered: Feb 2011
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His wife deserves to know as you deserve to know. It was the WS's that have caused this mess and have destroyed the families. It is not the news that has done it. It is truly their selfishness. In telling your children, I would take them quietly and tell them that this has to do with issues with MOM and DAD and NOT at all them. It will be important that they do not take the blame. You might be surprised that they know about it some anyway. Seems like my WS AP children found sexting messages he sent her....they told their dad but nothing happened. Considering counseling for the children can be very beneficial too. Good luck.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, how are things going?


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Broken6
♀ Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are stronger than you know. You say you are not assertive, but you have already taken positive steps to protect yourself and your family. I believe that God doesn't give someone more than they can handle, and so many of us registered on this site fall into that category. Hugs to you. Somehow, you will survive. So many posts to your story have priceless advice. You are stronger than you know.


The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
cytron
♂ New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing ok. I have everything setup for Saturday to tell her. I got his wife's cell phone number and plugged it into my phone.

This weekend was terrible just knowing that I should have confronted her a long time ago and just haven't been alone with her in weeks. I can't do this in front of my kids...it is going to be hard enough to do it even when we are alone on Saturday.

Thanks for all your support and I will post again after the confrontation takes place to get your thoughts.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
TOMTEFAR
♂ Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.. it seems most people try to R

This is actually a missconception you have there. It is true that most people on this and other forums try to R but most people in your situation files for D rigth away without going to any forum like this.

So you get a loopsided idea of what people actually does in these situations if you base it on what people write here or on other forums.

This doesn't mean you should D though. That is something you need to figure out for your self and as many have said here Before do take your time in figuring that out.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by TOMTEFAR at 1:58 AM, September 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2013
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be repaired with evidence in hand. It's amazing how they will attempt to gaslight until painted into a corner. And even then...

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
cytron
♂ New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, as I gather my thoughts, prayers and other things in preparation for dropping the bomb on my spouse that I know about her EA and PA that has lasted for at least 6 months, I found out that she changed the passcode on her phone. I wanted to check to see if there were any recent messages just so I had all the information I needed. New passcode. You have to understand that she has used the same passcode for ATM, etc. for 20 years and has never used anything different.

Do you think she is suspicious that I know? She certainly didn't let on tonight that she did. Personally I hope she is suspicious of what I know and I hope she is shaking uncontrollably.

I looked at the phone records and no texts or calls between her and him, but remember they work together all day long.

Can't wait until Saturday!!!


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, she suspects something. They've gone underground.

You need to move. While you may have some of the evidence, there is more out there and you are giving her/them time to construe a cover story and destroy the remaining evidence.

My 2 cents worth anyway.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2822 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^ditto^^^^^^^^


You need to tell the other BS tonight.

There is a very strong possibility the OM is already starting to spin the "crazy, controlling spouse of my friend" speech to his wife.

They always do.............

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6538 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked at the phone records and no texts or calls between her and him, but remember they work together all day long.

If they are working together means they are in contact and continuing the A. She changed her password means she is still in the A.

If she wanted R, she should quit her job and find something new.

You should also get tested for STD/HIV.

Then one more thing,Men who are scared, weak and needy are unattractive to women. Its time for you to man up the real alpha man not the beta gamma combination but real alpha.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) Yeah, it's probable that either she suspects something, or her OM's wife does, and they are being proactive. If you want/need to wait until Saturday to confront because of the kids, then right now, just be mild as milk, haven't even notice the changed password, Mr. Clueless. They are probably trying to go underground now, but since you have the evidence, you know better, and if you don't let on that anything has changed in these next couple of days, they may relax a bit until Saturday.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) Yeah, it's probable that either she suspects something, or her OM's wife does, and they are being proactive. If you want/need to wait until Saturday to confront because of the kids, then right now, just be mild as milk, haven't even notice the changed password, Mr. Clueless. They are probably trying to go underground now, but since you have the evidence, you know better, and if you don't let on that anything has changed in these next couple of days, they may relax a bit until Saturday.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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