Just wonder how everyone else is holding up physically when mentally you are below rock bottom.
I ended up needing to switch my meds (Lexapro), getting on klonopin for awhile (the anxiety was overwhelming) and lots of IC. I needed direction. She gave me step by step things to do some days. I made ONE goal a day so I could see a sense of accomplishment in something. Even if it was just making dinner or doing laundry. I wrote it down too so I could check it off and feel like I did something.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I do know that at one point after d-day (probably about 5-6 months, and before finding SI) I thought l was going to have a nervous breakdown. I just couldn't think about it anymore and I thought I was going to end up screaming and crying in a corner and they were going to have to haul me off.
Or, I felt kind of like my whole body was going to not exactly explode but more like implode.
I have heard of people literally shaking for months after d-day. Others couldn't get out of beds for a year. Some have lost pieces of time.
What do you mean by breakdown?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
The final straw for me was when I ran away from my husband screaming and yelling in Times Square in New York that no matter what I look at or think about the pain was overwhelming. The tears would start in the morning and not go away until he returned home in the evening.
I knew I was not going to get any better, that I was continuing to spiral. I was the one that took myself to the doctor and got some meds. He also put me on an adrenal supplement because my fight or flight responses day and night had depleted my arenalyn stores. The shaking finally subsided and my mood levelled out. Without these drugs I would have gone to the psyc ward. In fact for my own safety they wanted me to go and I begged them to let me try the meds first.
[This message edited by TxsT at 1:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I took it to heart and realized that it just wasn't worth it, it had waayyyy too much power in my life and that I had a good life, other than this...
but I so understand.. I can see how it happens. I mean, I was broadsided twice in three months. I actually can't believe I didn't end up in the hospital. This is hard shit.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“He has no idea how beautiful the ordinary becomes once it disappears."
You're not alone in feeling this way, and I promise it won't always be like this.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I have heard of people literally shaking for months after d-day.
I am 19 months out. I still occasionally get the shakes. Mostly when I have a nightmare. But for a while they were uncontrollable, and I would end up in a ball. Literally unable to walk or move.
Sucks. (to put it a wee bit mildly)
Yes, I had a breakdown. It looks like severe moodswings, hypersexuality, rage - sometimes all in the same minute. I had loss of appetite for the first few months. Still do pretty much. If there is a silver lining, that would be it.
For awhile I was thinking so much and so erratically I couldn't even manage to figure out what I was thinking. My brain would not shut up.
I wish I could tell you something concrete that works. For me, I allowed myself to sleep. A lot. My breakdown wasn't one that landed me in the hospital. I just became a shell of the person I was. I remember finding I'd go into my closet, lay on the floor and sleep, just to escape the outside world. I couldn't run away, so in a way, I hid. I found myself driving and having thoughts of going off the road. I think one moment that stands out in my mind as being one of the lowest, I was laying curled up on the floor, pregnant, crying, after my ex WH showed me just how cruel he could be. I cried for hours, with him in the next room, watching tv, his life going on as though I was just a nuisance. Never once checking on me, or the baby inside me, after he had seen me in agony from the fight.
I sat up, ripped off a necklace he had given me earlier in the year, and told myself no more. He wasn't going to control my emotions like that ever again. It took all I had to get back to "normal". But I was damned if I was going to allow him to drag me down like that. I couldn't control where he stuck his dick. But I could control what I let it do to me.
I know this is hard. Impossible at times. I promise you though, it will get better. Take it one day at a time. One hour, if needed. Fake a smile for YOU. Get out of the house and take a walk. Keep reading here. But make sure you read the positive also. Find things to make you feel good about you. Also, sometimes getting rid of "things" lightens your load.
I hope you're able to get to a better place soon ((((hugs)))).
Only for my close friends would this have happened and I am so thankful that they held me up and helped me through. They were really shocked at seeing me hit rock bottom as I'm usually a strong-willed woman.
I'm nearly weaned off taking AD's and I'm in a much better place. Have you spoken to your doctor?
I understand the pain you are going through, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. And the fact that xWS was completely lacking in remorse and couldn't have cared less about my well being or the effect it had on our children is not something I will ever forget.
But, over time things are slowly getting easier and I no longer feel suicidal or that everyday is a battle for survival for me and my children.
Keep posting and I would strongly advise talking to your doctor.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep more than an hour or two a night (and even that was broken up) and I wanted nothing more than to not wake up the next day and deal with another day of pain like the day before. The ex POS suggested that's I needed to take sleeping pills and do more physical activity. The asshole wanted me to think that the solution wasn't the obvious..for him to stop the fucking EA!
After finding this site and kicking his ass out, that imminent breakdown feeling began to go away.
I found myself driving and having thoughts of going off the road.
I dropped 25 lbs the first month. Then my hair started falling out by the handfuls. I shook constantly, I had tachycardia and atrial fibrillation. I pooped about 10 times a day. I became very weak, and was exhausted all the time. I screamed at H nonstop for weeks. What I didn't know was that I was becoming manic.
I came very very close to the psych ward, but luckily, when at my doctors office for the second round of STD testing, they also checked my thyroid levels, and found that I was extremely hyperthyroid, and was so bad off, that I was entering the manic stage of hyperthyroidism. Thank God my doc checked my thyroid.
I guess his tip off was when I landed in his office and said this:
"My H is a motherfucking worthless no good cheating bastard and I am also taking care of my elderly mom and dad and my bipolar son i'm bleeding constantly I want a hysterectomy and I need it right now like this week because there will be no other time to do it in order for me to be healed before my one and only vacation to the beach in years cuz I've been caring for everyone else's needs and my brother from Alabama is going to look after my Mom for a couple of months so we have to do this immediately don't give me any shit about this just do it right now okay I can't wait one more day just do it"!
And yes, I said all that in one breath, lol!
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:43 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]