I remember feeling like I was being bar-be-cued alive. My skin literally felt like it was boiling. The pain was intense and unrelenting. I totally lost it.
Eventually, I worked my way back and now can't believe I let myself become so deranged over an abusive, alcoholic asshole.
The memories of that time have helped me keep my sanity during this go round with a different husband.
Please keep asking for help. Take meds if you have to. It is so much better than ending up in a locked room without your shoelaces.
(((((HUGS))))) to you OC.
Medication saved my life though. I have no doubt. We all have different "thresholds". I ignored mine, and so did OW's BH. Please don't ignore yours, if you can help it, (which I felt I couldn't, for too long).
[This message edited by Safeguard at 3:28 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
Like a lot of you, I almost had a breakdown and eventually thought I was handling things ok until I became critically ill and ended up in the hospital for 3 months, one month in critical care. Every test they ran came back negative, there was no physical reason for me to have gotten so sick. Eventually a couple of my docs asked if I was under any undue stress, for how long, and what my symptoms were. When I told them, they said that based on that and since what happened to me "shouldn't" have, they feel that my immune system may have been severely compromised and set a chain of events that led to my illness. It's been over a year later and I'm still trying to recover completely. So PLEASE, talk to people who care about you, see a doctor if you think you need to and follow what they say. Don't go through this alone.
There is even one day missing from my life memories. I do not remember the day after discovery. The shrink says I entered something similar to a fugue state where the body was on automatic pilot while my mind was shut down to protect itself from the shock.
I am now taking Zoloft and Xanax and feel a little better.
All I can say is hang in there. Everyone on this site has been so supportive and caring. I have no doubt I would be in the hospital today if I had not found this site.
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
Somehow I went to work everyday, even the day after dday, got thru the day and drove home like a crazy person, 80 mph, weaving and of course crying.
Then I would get home and cry and scream all night. I mean a primal scream from the gut for hours. I lost my voice, could barely speak but still screamed every night.
Maybe 2 hours of sleep a night.
Not eating at all. I lost 40 lbs in 8 weeks.
I don't know how I survived, I did feel suicidal.
I was so alone, only saw people at work and just secluded myself in my house.
If anyone had seen me they probably would have insisted I go to the emergency room.
If it were not winter with the windows closed the neighbors would have probably called the police.
Don't suffer like that, get help if you need it. I look back and wonder why didn't I help myself?
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Just try to get through 1 minute. Then 1 hour. Don't overwhelm yourself with thought of next week, next month. You need to rest a lot. Try Xanax, Zoloft, deep breaths.
Talk to your friends and family as long as they can stand to listen to it. Get help to care for your kids, if you have them. Have someone take care of you if you can, so you can lie in bed and cry- because you need to let it out.
Read. SOmeone gave me the advice that you should read everything you can on the topic. Because you are going to be thinking about it non-stop anyway. Knowledge is power.
One book said, Try to set aside a certain amount of time each day to grieve and think about it and then set aside time not to think about it.
p.s. to whoever said they pooped 10 times a day....OMG ...me too!
Esp the part about going to the doctor and saying some big long rant all in one breath, falling apart and saying just put me in the hospital now I can't take anymore.
Mine says "sure you can, you've been through worse, trust me".
Yay for meds! I know a lot of people who advocate talking, therapy, exercise, self-care, etc. but none of that was working for me. Hope you find some relief VERY soon.
I can barely get out of bed and when I do it is go outside and smoke. I have lost my job.
I self medicate with leftover pain meds from surgery mixed with alcohol to get to sleep, then I only sleep for a few hours.
I find no joy in seeing my adult kids nor my grand kids.
My fucking prick of a motherfucking bastard of a spouse does nothing but tell me to 'pull myself from my boot straps". How about I beat you with those boot straps?
I cry all the time. can't concentrate of anything for more than a few minutes at a time, have panic attacks, blah, blah, blah
Have an appointment to see a Dr the end of this month. I need something to help cope with this fucking mess I call my life.
This thread should be required reading for anyone contemplating an A.
You are not kidding.
I'm so sorry we are all feeling/felt this level of pain, but it is comforting to know that I'm not crazy for feeling it. WH just has NO IDEA the level of pain I have been in since d-day.
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
Contemplated suicide off and on for those first three months as well. I got so bad emotionally that my dog started wetting the bed and is still not 100% house trained again.
But the worst part of all of it was that it gave me amnesia. I couldn't remember the last 10 years. I would see a photo of us and recognize that that was me and that we had gone to that place/on that vacation... but I couldn't remember anything about it. It took at least 8 weeks to get about 75% of my memory back. I'm still working on it.
When I saw a "new" photo of him with his niece a couple of weeks after DDay, I vomited. I saw him as a predator.
Went into daily IC (thank god my insurance had unlimited visits with copay). I was diagnosed with PTSD. Because it was situational and I had no other history of needing IC, etc., they didn't prescribe any meds. We worked on breathing exercises and talk therapy. I'm now incorporating yoga into the mix.
Next week will be in my 4th month since DDay#2. I've NCed the entire time and stuck to it. It saved me.
I can honestly say that I know I will make it now. I sleep more or less fine. I'm gaining some of the weight back (about 5-10lbs). I cry maybe three or four times a week and that's it. I have triggers and bad moments, but I work through them.
And I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't surrounded myself with friends and family. They really stepped up and kept me going. Reaching out was the best thing I did in all of this.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
No need for a shrink.....try the drugs first.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
2 years out now things are much better. I am glad I didn't end it all when I really felt that was the only option I had left.
Please if you are feeling this way see your doctor or call a help line. You won't always feel like this, even though it feels like it will never get better. It will in time. Please take care of yourself.
This should definitely be required reading.
WH just has NO IDEA the level of pain I have been in since d-day.
He absolutely should!!!
I made my fWS experience every second of it. I described it in detail every second along the way, all the mind movies, all the suicidal fantasies, all the confusion and contradictions going on in my head. She deserved to know all of the "fun" that she caused.
Concentration and focus would not come and the tears would not stop-it was like I couldn't control my own mind.
So...the first bits of turning this around came from within. Counseling I went to for over a year and though I listened, it was not always helpful. I found some things to do for myself that eventually poked through the purple haze that I was in. Here are a few:
By some mistake, I learned that by reaching in for my senses, I could bring my mind into reality...I think food I smelled one day was really strong and snapped my thoughts to the present-so after that day, I worked to find ways to reach any of my senses that would reach back.
Mixing heat and cold started to help, like a shower or bath that was hot and then a very cold drink-opposites-my mind would fluxuate when I felt one sensation or the other and then I would mix it with smell, like soap. It was the very first glimpse of coming back from the hell that my mind was in.
There are some other things I did in that regard, on having to do with sound, and small indulgences, but I'm getting long again.
I did not have the meds for very long because of the side effects and single parenting, so I've had to do this on my own.
These steps helped me immensely and I believe that recovery can come without meds, but with knowledge-I also appreciate that meds help when they are understood.
I used to have Ativan for panic and now have a game I play with myself where when panic comes and I didn't have an Ativan, and got through it, I would reward myself in a small way. That became very important for me and a goal.
Ativan is very good for this, but if you ask for it x amount of times, they often will call you in for evaluation and stop just prescribing it. The rules for these pills are being changed, so that it's harder to get them, which is good.
The last thing I was going to say is one other thing that helped me-my own realization that I made the relationship more important than my own life and I shouldn't have. I made him more important than me, so that I lost myself in the marriage and I know that now.
Nor will I ever do it again.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess