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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Forgiveness.....came very quietly.
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tiredgirl....your experience is similar to mine. I, too, regularly checked in with myself to see if I had forgiven her...even telling myself I NEED to forgive her. Been doing this since her full confession in January....but it was all in vain. (or maybe it was part of the process....I do wish I knew HOW it happened...but will not chase that rabbit...I do think God had a role in it...simply not strong enough on my own to have given myself this gift).

Just like you.....a quiet but firm yes crept into me.

Musiclovingmom....I like to think of it as I have your back....rather then correcting you!

Bad dream woke me...so the healing continues. They don't rattle me like they use to, but still wake me up.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:13 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2699 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so glad it went well for you last night.

I hope it is a step for the two of you in the healing direction.

I hope that she realizes and appreciates what a huge gift you have given her. I hope it inspires her to open up more and give you the love that you so deserve.

As usual you have made me think a bit deeper, from a different perspective. I believe I am holding back on expressing forgiveness because I fear that he would slack off and not continue the forward progress.

Not sure of this, but I will consider it


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1093 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops, hit submit by mistake.

What I am going to consider is, maybe he needs to hear this from me to free him to be more open.

I have to think a bit more on this. His recent shift in his responses to me, expressions of remorse, empathy, nondefensiveness, are still so new and still inconsistent. Perhaps I just need more time to believe.

I do not feel the need or desire for revenge, I do not want to see him suffer, I do feel empathy and compassion for him when he is in pain. I do though still feel the need to hold him accountable. I still feel like he has not fully faced the extent and does not fully appreciate what I am going through. Probably because of the inconsistent behavior on his part. Time, time, time.

Hope you have a peaceful day today.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1093 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cantaccept....to be clear my wife was not the driver of me actually getting to forgiveness. Her being the driver is what I had attempted to do before....but that did not work.

I believed it failed because it had manipulative tones to it....still had a control component to it. I don't think it was malicious on my part, but had ties to how I operated within my marriage pre-A. Sort of an If I do this, then this will happen...sort of an attitude.

Sometimes, like at work with a static process, this mode of operation works well. I think within something as dynamic as a marital relationship it very much has the adverse affect and seldom if ever works.

I just got a feeling from you that you are searching for that one thing to do that will get your husband to step up in the way you desire....or possibly...step up in anyway.

I can very much relate to that. I have read about really remorseful spouses on here and have many times wanted that in my wife. Not for her to hurt, but for her to really realize the pain and damage she has brought to me and our family. The very real risks she runs by not doing the hard lifting (though she is doing more and more each day).

All of the above I can relate to...so I am not condemning you. Heck, I may be off base here with the above thinking.

To be sure, I was thinking like that before. That is why it is such a surprise the forgiveness came into me the way it did....no check lists of pros and cons, no requests or change of attitude on my wifes part, no Ah Ha moment....just appeared as if it came out of a fog.

It was so quiet I didn't recognize it for what it was....I was still reading about forgivness, working out ideas on it...in essence, was almost so consumed with what it was to truly forgive that I hardly looked up when it walked into my classroom.

I wish I had wisdom on how it came to me so that I could pass it along to you and others I care about....I just don't.

I do believe God had a large role in my being able to forgive my wife.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:39 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2699 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I would add my 2 cents in.....

For me the first thing that happened was a certain level of acceptance, I accepted what he did, and that anything I did was not going to undo it, or anything I did or didn't do would have made him make a different decision. This was a big sigh of relief type moment for me.

Next came forgiveness, and I got to tell you, it took me longer, at about the 1.5 year mark, is when I really reached that point. It too snuck up quietly, and was just there. I didn't even realize that it had happened. Until someone, posted here, some questions about forgiveness, and what it means to them, and I was like Holy Crap, I have fogiven him, and then the last vestiges of saddness, and depression seemed to slip away with that realization.

I waited until the 2 year antiversary to share that with him though. He isn't a very religious man, but he has faith. It was a quiet conversation with a well written note to explain how I felt at that point. He was truly moved, and thanked me profusely. He also was able to finally forgive himself as well.

I did make it perfectly clear that even though I had forgiven him, that this was something that would always be a part of us, and sometimes we would still need to talk about it.

Now at the 5 year mark, it is a rare occurence, and when we do, he pretty much, can't believe what he did, why he did it, and the chance he took. He also describes it as a very surreal experience. So very glad that he finally got it.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6601 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love your description of this bs, and I can't help but remember that you were despairing a bit in the past couple of weeks. Sometimes perhaps it is darkest before the dawn? That we pull back a little bit before we can take a leap?

Also you said something about this making you feel vulnerable, which is actually a very good thing, I am learning. My husband and I watched this short talk (20 minutes) a few weeks ago, I think you would appreciate it - perhaps even your wife as well. It is about how being vulnerable is the key to intimacy and happiness. The speaker is also very thoughtful and funny.

If you aren't familiar with the series this comes from, TED Talks, then you are in for a treat.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:46 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1342 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Heartsick1
♀ New Member
Member # 38818
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interestingly I was up till about 1am reading about forgiveness. I see myself going there, but it is so scary!

I want to forgive, but the thought of doing so, then having the rug pulled out from under me again, is a DARK place.

I don't think I can truly forgive until I truly believe my FWH would never ever cheat on me again. I find myself believing what he is saying. His actions show I should believe, but something stops me!

I view forgiveness as allowing myself to be vulnerable, and the "TOUGH BITCH" I have now become, is scared to death to allow it.

Do any of your struggle with this? It really is a mind f***.


Me (early 40's) - BS
Him (late 40's) - WH
Married 3 yrs.
D-Day - 1/13

Fully working on R...... which is the hardest thing I have ever been through!


Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2013
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found my true peace and forgave STBXWH after reading "Forgiveness, The Greatest Healer of All"
Gerald G. Jampolsky, MD author of "Love is Letting Go of Fear". This book is forewarded by Neale Donald Walsch author of Conversations with God.

I read this book in 2 hours. The IMMEDIATE feeling of inner peace and forgiveness to all that were on my list of betrayers was magical. I highly recommend this book for those of you pondering forgiveness. It truly reached deep inside me and allowed me to let go and forgive.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tushnurse))) always good to get support from you! Glad to hear forgiveness "appeared" to you in a similar fashion. I see you waited to express this to your spouse. For me...waiting 2 weeks before expressing my thoughts to my wife is probably like 6 months in "tushnurse years". This "learning to wait" is something I just developed over this past year....it is a part of me that is maturing. What I have discovered is I CAN process a considerable amount of life on my own...and that is helping me and I believe will serve all of my relationships well.

(((bionicgal)))...another wonderful supporter of me on here chimes in! Thanks for the link I will check it out. It does appear that when I actually come across a keystone event during this trial it comes just after I think there is no hope. The whole darkest before the dawn may very well be true. There are biblical references to this as well.

(heartsick1)...hang in there. I, too, felt very very similarly as your posts suggest you feel. Giving up the "tough bitch" stance does feel like giving up power...power to protect yourself, power to hurt the one that hurt you. The key is to process through this. Again, I don't know how I did it (and I DO feel naked and exposed), but I did it. And if I can do it...you can too. Not to rush you....but that power to protect myself and the power to hurt my wife with that stance did NOT mature me into the man I desire to become, nor would it have nurtured my marriage into the spot I desire for it to be in either.

Still no firm committment from my wife...she is not packing right now, but no great big renewed committment from her to our marriage either. But in a way this is good. I think if she all of a sudden became a poster child for remorseful fWW it would tempt me into old, manipulative, unhealthy ways to interact with her. I desire to do my relationship in a brand new way...have invested to much energy, money, and time into me thus far to throw it away and revert back to the old man I was.

I do think things work out for a reason...there are no coinicidences.

Dont push yourself.

Do take initiatives though. Just like whatdoto suggests, read and explore various books on Forgiveness. I did this and had several definitions of what forgiveness is in my head....was really concentrating on it. It did play a part in getting me where I am at, but not in the way I thought it was getting me there. I truly was looking for a formula and definitions that I could apply to my situation and develop a plan to get to forgiveness.

I think we are expected to have faith in our journey, but we are NOT to sit on our hands and do nothing.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2699 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blakesteele)) - a happy-for you-hug! I am watching you and those of you who diligently do the work of R and the work on themselves and I feel very fortunate to be in the company of such good people.

As tushnurse noted re: accpetance....Back in January I made a list of the things I needed to accept. There were 24 things on that list. Last month I accepted that no matter how many times I roll the story around I will never be able to understand it. I made peace with this fact. That I don't have to fully understand something in order to accept that it happened. I felt relieved by this.

When we told my parents about the A in July, the very first thing out of Dad was, "honey, do you have forgiveness in your heart?" I said, "I do, Dad. I just can't quite get to it yet."

But I am. I know I must be bc I feel such empathy and compassion for him in the past couple months. Pity is different. It's, "I feel sorry for you." I believe compassion is, "I feel FOR you."

blakesteele, you know I am cheering you on. I am inspired by you and I know (no pressure) but I KNOW one day I am going to read a post about your walking your girls to school.

In the meantime, thank you for sharing your post. I like what bionicgirl wrote about the darkest before the dawn with you. The sun is breaking through!

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:36 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1803 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele - I waited that length of time, because I really didn't think H would really truly appreciate it. It was more for me, letting it go. But I saw changes in him, not really in his connection to God, but in his overall philosophy of life, and that made me think he shold know this now.

I am a terrible waiter, when I think I have something someone else will love to have. Give presents early all that jazz.....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6601 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on the forgiveness. For me to it came quietly and all of a sudden.

I kept it to myself for several weeks before telling fWW just to make sure it wasn't a false forgivenss. Mine was on Valentine's Day and I wanted to make sure it just wasn't the atmosphere that caused the feeling.

For me it was about 6 months after D-Day.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 467 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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