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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I messed up
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H also shares a similar background as you. I first learned of two affairs, & then last Nov, of the porn addiction. I can't pretend to understand all that is going through your wife's head, but I can tell you that it is shocking & traumatic to learn your spouse is not who/what you thought they were. She has suffered a trauma, & at 7 weeks in, she is probably still in the "curl up in the fetal position" stage & just trying to get through each day. It is very hard. She really needs IC for herself, but like everything else, you can gently suggest but she has to be ready.

In order for her to feel safe in your M again, she has to completely believe that you are no longer that man, & never want to be that man again. This will take TIME & patience; a lot of both. It's such a scary place to be, & a subject she probably doesn't feel she can share with anyone.

My H (hurtherbadly) felt the porn/masturbation was an addiction that he had attempted to stop before, but couldn't. He found a CSAT ( who has been amazing, goes to SA 12-step meetings, has read Patrick Carnes books & done workbooks, disabled his Safari browser on iPhone (I set the pw) & many other actions. I agree with Samantha re: Every Man's Battle also being a great resource. Many porn-addicted men suffer sexual dysfunction (my H did); if so, this will be a source of pain & anger for her, as she probably had questioned what was wrong, was it her, etc.

The bottom line is that you can't control whether or not this is a deal breaker for her. You can pray that she'll educate herself so that she understands this has nothing to do with her, but more importantly, is working on yourself. She will notice the happier, healthier you, free from the chains of the secrets & lies. This inner peace you can find if you do the work will be comforting & healing to her, so be patient, loving & transparent. Peace & strength to you both!

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 12:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 27 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)

Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
♂ New Member
Member # 32779
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS and SA here. I am the husband to putonahappy face. You need to be very patient and upfront with her. You may also want to look into a local SA or SAA meeting. Sounds like you have "white knuckled" the pornography and you may have stopped now but without the "fellowship" that is involved you may relapse. I go to 2 SA meetings and also to IC. I have found that the SA meetings are extremely helpful. Your committment to the meetings, IC, keylogger and answering any questions will help in your marriage's recovery. It's not easy. I know that after 3 years from DD that my spouse still struggles with the bad decisions that I made. There will be good days and bad. Time will bring more good than bad days. Just be patient

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2011
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Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to 3rd the Every Mans Battle Conference. WH is at it right now, and I am already hearing a change. You can't make your wife stay or work in the marriage. But you can work on yourself and work on healing. Your wife is hurt beyond all comprehension right now. You will have to accept that and learn to understand that right now honestly, you don't have a right to work with her. You have to wait until she is ready to ask you or let you in. It may be that you have to demonstrate change. What she needs will look different from what other BS need. Heck she may not know what she needs. You need to continue demonstrating honesty, do your work in IC, be consistent and get an accountability partner. Also, with the workshop the do have scholarships. Your going to have to be patient as well. For I have read and been told that it takes at least the same amount of time for a betrayed spouse to heal that it does for the affair. So if you have had behavior and affairs throughout most of your marriage, it's going to take that same amount of time to heal. And honestly you have to decide if your up for that.

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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