My H also shares a similar background as you. I first learned of two affairs, & then last Nov, of the porn addiction. I can't pretend to understand all that is going through your wife's head, but I can tell you that it is shocking & traumatic to learn your spouse is not who/what you thought they were. She has suffered a trauma, & at 7 weeks in, she is probably still in the "curl up in the fetal position" stage & just trying to get through each day. It is very hard. She really needs IC for herself, but like everything else, you can gently suggest but she has to be ready.
In order for her to feel safe in your M again, she has to completely believe that you are no longer that man, & never want to be that man again. This will take TIME & patience; a lot of both. It's such a scary place to be, & a subject she probably doesn't feel she can share with anyone.
My H (hurtherbadly) felt the porn/masturbation was an addiction that he had attempted to stop before, but couldn't. He found a CSAT (sexhelp.com) who has been amazing, goes to SA 12-step meetings, has read Patrick Carnes books & done workbooks, disabled his Safari browser on iPhone (I set the pw) & many other actions. I agree with Samantha re: Every Man's Battle also being a great resource. Many porn-addicted men suffer sexual dysfunction (my H did); if so, this will be a source of pain & anger for her, as she probably had questioned what was wrong, was it her, etc.
The bottom line is that you can't control whether or not this is a deal breaker for her. You can pray that she'll educate herself so that she understands this has nothing to do with her, but more importantly, is working on yourself. She will notice the happier, healthier you, free from the chains of the secrets & lies. This inner peace you can find if you do the work will be comforting & healing to her, so be patient, loving & transparent. Peace & strength to you both!
