I'm so very close. I believe it, but haven't been able to drop "the hurt" yet.
It said, "I'm going to walk."
You know GO FOR A WALK. He took it to mean I was exiting our marriage.
By the time I got back an hour later, he had called the office, my cell, and texted me at least 10 times. In that time he had left work, driven nearly an hour home, and was at our house when I finally called him. He was in hysterics. So I went home to see him. And I wish I could explain it, but it was seeing his face at that time that made be believe him. That he was taking this shit seriously. That he was all in and he was going to fix it all.
I think it was that moment that I began to think it might be ok.
Everything kind of fell into place after that. FWS was lost for a while when I declared it. He tells me his actions he says "for what it's worth since it doesn't matter what I do and you may or may not leave me!" And all he got from me was a truly calm face and telling him I love him and that it's his choice to continue to do good or not, and that I will make my choice which for that time was to stay with him.
We've been together 5 years now and he never stops trying to prove to me that he's worth staying with.
He's also gotten to that place where he told me flat out, there's no way I can get rid of him so long as there's no divorce papers signed. That he will be the best father, be happy and live his life with me so long as I want it.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
4 kiddos in lower 20's
“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."
Awesome! My WH told me even if I do D him he is still going to prove to me he can become a better man and won't stop loving me.
I know my WH gets what he did I'm just not sure what his coping skills will be when our M hits a low point.
He was surprised I didn't raise my voice, didn't cry, didn't do anything but thanking him for being so brave. This morning I awoke with a very different outlook on my day, myself and my M.
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Is the hurt gone? Not even. However, I definitely feel a lower level of pain since then. What also helped is the fact that he did read the book, said he should have read it a long time ago, that it was a good book and says he "gets me" and what I'm going through. I've had some validation finally. He knows that my reactions to things are completely normal and I'm not just some hysterical basket case who for some unknown reason can't get over it. I think he thought I was overly emotional and had so many unnecessary triggers. I know he still doesn't get a lot of my triggers, but at least he knows its normal to have them and that he needs to let me decide how to handle them.
In an effort to heal even further, I'm planning on getting all my aggressions out on a large photo of the OW soon, as prescribed by my IC. And I'm going to some of my trigger locations to journal and get all my pain and frustrations out on paper. Hoping those exercises will lower my overall pain level even more.
I read the book, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary and Mona Shriver. He had an affair and the book details both of their perspectives of what they went through and how they eventually came to healing. They work with groups of couples and one day they were speaking in front of a group and she uttered something about being healed and it was the first time that she had ever voiced it. She hadn't even realized it, but it came out of her mouth so easily and she knew at that moment that she was truly over all the pain.
There are so many different questions in your post. I do believe he is truly sorry and I do know our future will be great together. I feel I am on a good path toward accepting that I don't have to hurt anymore, but I'm not quite there yet.
What makes matters worse for me is I'm hurting over a lot of issues. Serious midlife crisis. Trying to discover who I am anymore and reconciling with many losses over the past 12 years. His betrayal is the hugest, but only one of many I'm trying to stop hurting over. I'm glad I found the counselor that I did. I think she is going to really help me get there. It takes just the right person and two others I'd been to were not that person for me.
You'll get there WishIWas. We all will if we keep on keepin' on.
I try to stop thinking about the future and pay attention to what's going on in front of me. Once shit stops hurting too much to distract from that it's easier to stop getting lost. I got some cool pictures of rainbows. Blizzards too. I should probably stop taking pictures out my car window, honestly.
Having said that, I want to make sure and say that we are happy, reconciled, and strong. I don't believe that I can ever not feel sad or hurt when I think about infidelity, but I have definitely reached the place where I don't hurt very often, and I can enjoy a lovely present, and can easily believe in a wonderful future.
There was a time early on when he told me he would do anything and would do anything to make me love him again. I've hated it here where we live for the 20 yrs I've lived here and if it weren't for him, I would have moved back home long ago. But for him, I've stayed in this God Forsaken place for 16 years. So he even told me he would move if I wanted to. It was then, I realized he truly was full of remorse and we were going to make in spite of the OW & all her efforts.
Of course, that all changed as he realized I wasn't going anywhere. He has since been back & forth with he's leaving to he'll do anything to we need to get divorced because I'm not getting over it fast enough. I have not been the one threatening to leave & threatening divorce - ironic I think. I now wish I would have kicked him out in the beginning, in order for him to realize the seriousness of it all.
I also have found out in the last few weeks that most everything he has told me about the A is either something he told me to "shut you up" or He doesn't know what I'm talking about, or he just doesn't remember saying it and everything I thought I was learning has now been dismissed. Which has sent me to a state of hopelessness.
However, since deciding to take this week long vacation back home, I have had another awakening, that I will be o.k. no matter what and that I really don't "need" him. But then in the next hour or day, I feel like I'm dying inside again.
I'm beginning, however, to feel more empowered the closer I get to leaving which is tomorrow afternoon.
I still don't know where we stand or if he will be able to do everything he needs to to fix everything. I think more will be revealed when I return from my trip, and I see if he has finally been able to "remember" the whole long drawn out A.
As I write this tonight, I feel strong and content. My family is together and I have many other blessings in my life. My WS is not perfect, but neither am I. We will make it. I already know it.
Looking back, I can see this was definitely a pivotal moment in my way of thinking about our future.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:51 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
When did you actually accept that you don't have to hurt anymore, that your future will be great together?
In some ways I see these statements as contradictory.
I stopped hurting (a lot, everyone hurts some) when it dawn on me her A had nothing to do with me or our M. I stopped hurting when I let go of my control of tomorrow and the actions of others.
Our future being great together? When I realize that right now is good. Everyday we work at tomorrow, that's the best I can do.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
When, even through the shame, he confided in people who always thought he was wonderful what he'd done and that he was in fact not wonderful. He no longer cared about looking good - figuratively and literally.
When he became humble and showed empathy.
When he could tell I was going to trigger before I even knew it and would be proactive, helpful and supportive about it.
When he was horrified by his behavior and actions and wanted to change and be a better person for himself first and foremost and it was clear he was putting in a ton of effort towards that.
When all behavior was reflected on and adjusted without prompting. It still takes me by surprise sometimes, like Wow, the old Mr.DixieD would never have done that or the old MrDixieD would have said this (negativity) instead, and it doesn't seem to phase him at all. It's just who he is now -- changed.
But that doesn't undo the work to be done. The healing that needs to take place. But it gives the R a start.
Your Ah Ha moment brought tears to my eyes. So glad your husband was there for you.
My dog farted, startled himself, wondered where the noise came from. I wish my life was as simple.
I have glimpses of it all being ok., and I realize that I'm trying to control a situation that is outside of my control. I hear the IC and agree, but I just can't seem to release the pain.
My marriage today is leaps better than it ever was. My wife makes me feel great most days, but the bad days still affect me exponentially. My confidence is a thin film of shattering glass. Any mildly hurtful arguments devastate me.
I want to smack myself and say shut up and man up, but all I end up doing is just adding to the hate and disgust that feel towards myself.
It's like instead of being afraid and hurt all the time, I'm ok. I'm ok with being without WH if it comes to that. I'm excited and confident about the life I could lead with him if this R is real but also equally confident about a totally different outcome.
This, too, is where I am. Not a single sharp Ah-Hah moment; more of a gradual progression to knowing that I will be okay regardless of how my future shakes out.
Divorce final 2/10/14.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.