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User Topic: How have you (the bs) changed since dday
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well first off I was always really happy, enjoyed reading and had zero trust issues. My wh was always my biggest priority. When he was sick I always made a big deal out of doing things for him and was always very interested in how his day went at work.
Now I haven't read a book, zero trust and roller coaster depression. I don't give two cents if wh is sick and pretty much don't care how his day went.
Is this productive behaviour? Of course not. It's just I feel like I did so much for him before and he repayed me by having an affair.
He's crushed the person I was, I hope one day I can find her again. Because she was replaced by an embittered, obsessive crazy person


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've aged 5 years. I've also lost some weight. I really don't need to lose any more.

[This message edited by 1ost0ne at 5:31 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I have changed so much I don't recognize the person I was before. I am a much more strong and courageous woman. I have few fears now and know that I can get through the worst of life's struggles. My focus has changed from my world revolving around WH and his emotions to solely focusing on ME.

I used to be really OCD and keep things super unusually clean, not so much anymore.

I used to yell at the kids a lot over stupid stuff, now it doesn't matter anymore.

I used to care if my WH was upset with me, now it doesn't affect me.

I used to be a very happy person, now I am bipolar (actually I was just diagnosed with this so not sure if its situational or me).

I would say I am a completely different person.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
movingforward777
♀ Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be crazy in love with my H...now I doubt I would throw water on him if he were burning!
He made no attempt to apologize, explain himself, or really give a rat's ass how it affected my life and his kid's lives....therefore...I moved forward, without him and built a life of my own. I raised my kids the best I could, adjusted my thinking when it came to men and marriage, and now thrive!!!
It can change you in some pretty significant ways...not all of them are bad....HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4845 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a profound loss of self, loss of any motivation, loss of real life spirt. It has been a struggle to come to grips with the new me. I don't like the new me. I don't feel like I accomplish much at all anymore, no drive, no desires. Hopefully, one day this will change.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a little (okay, a lot) more cynical about marriages these days. I don't look at everyone's marriage and feel it is so much better than mine. I look at everyone's marriages and wonder who has cheated, who is cheating and who will cheat.

I am definitely wiser. I am stronger emotionally. I am happier, actually. I have fixed the part of me that let my FWH treat me as if I didn't matter, that didn't treat me like his #1 priority.

Oh, yeah, and I have a broken heart that has healed but has a lot of scar tissue on it that sometimes still gives me twinges of pain.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9837 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prior to this I had absolute trust in my WH - now I only believe him when I can verify it.

I was also very strong, independent, motivated and organised. I guess I am those things aside from interactions with WH. With him I feel needy, vulnerable and pathetic. What worries me more is I think WH feels stronger and happier with me so emotionally vulnerable. He seems very content to hold and cuddle me at night when I can't sleep and am tearful. I sometimes think he feels like more of "a man" because he has to reassure me. It is weird because it is like he is rewarded in seeing me vulnerable. Does anyone get what I mean?


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes think he feels like more of "a man" because he has to reassure me. It is weird because it is like he is rewarded in seeing me vulnerable. Does anyone get what I mean?

Maybe he enjoys the KISA role possibly?


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pre A:

1. Trusted H 100%. Thought he was a better, more logical, more grounded person than I.

2. I thought that his lack of oneness with me in decision making was because of stubbornness.

3. Focused and committed to our family, homeschooling, cooking from scratch, having chickens, teaching children all kinds of life skills.

4. I looked forward to growing old with H, growing deeper IL with him. I thought H would be protective of me and we would take care of each other in our old age.

5. Had a deep relationship with God, and prayed, read the Bible often. I thought H's highest priority was to follow God, and the times he didn't were just "mistakes." I thought H would never commit adultery, because he loved God even more than he loved me.

6. I looked forward to being a grandmother and helping our children however they needed me. We'd be a 3 generation family together.

Now:

1. I realize H is not trustworthy. He is not the rock, his logic and morals are relative to his situation.

2. His lack of oneness with me is because he is incapable of it. His instincts are to be emotionally isolated from me. He desperately needs love, but when he feels me too close, he puts up walls to push me away.

3. I am distracted, and have a very hard time focusing on much more than the bare necessities. The A consumes my thoughts and energy.

4. I just feel old, since H's A was with someone 15 years younger. I realize I may very well be alone in my old age. I don't feel valued for my loyalty, dedication, and the toll it has taken on me physically and emotionally. I know I am expendable, and can be switched out for a newer model without a moment's notice.

5. I'm drawing near to God again after so many years of silence since the A. I realize that H can even twist scriptures to support an A mentality, and I no longer believe God is more important to him than even himself. H is the most important person in his life.

6. I sadly contemplate our family being split up, me working like a dog to provide for myself in my old age, and not having time or money to spend much time with my children or grand children.

***7. I no longer let H play games with my head. I trust myself and my instincts. I still have honest, supportive friendships, and I'm not afraid of my future, whatever it holds.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a stronger, more grounded person. I know beyond a fact, that I can make it on my own. Little things don't bother me as much, and I sure don't hide when I'm bothered any more. I am striving to live my life with utter honesty, abet in a kind, not brutal way.

I have found a new love for my FWH. We both are realizing how little we settled for, these last few years. He knows more about me then he ever did. I know more about him than I ever did. We are rekindling a love that we have not felt for many years. It's a good feeling.

Even with all of that, at the back of my mind, I am utterly aware that he was capable of seeking out and fucking another woman. Of lying to my face repeatedly. Forgiven? Yes, I have forgiven him. Forgotten? Never in this lifetime.

But no matter what, even if he should leave tomorrow, I would grieve, then dust myself off and live life. With gusto.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. My dday was only 4 weeks ago. But Yes, I have changed.

I am 8 lbs thinner!

I started smoking and have a pack a day habit.

I used to be a "doer" and now I sit around all day thinking about this shit storm.

I post obessively on SI.

I talk on the phone to any one of my friends who will listen to me.

BUT, one good thing is that I know I am strong. WAY stronger than I ever thought I could be or would be.

I also know it will get better, even be "ok" someday when this is all over (heading for the big D)

I have gratitude for friends and family.

I realize you can never really know someone if they don't want you to. And you can't control it.

I also learned that it isn't the things in life that you worry about most that will happen, it the things you NEVER expected and never saw coming....


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being years out I can say that after all the negative changes came positive ones.

I have learned to appreciate life more. To celebrate the positive and move forward from the negative.

I now realize that yes crappy stuff will happen in life but so will great stuff.

My stress levels are great, probably the best they have been my whole adult life.

Weight is still higher but is coming down with time.

I have learned that I am an amazing person to be able to survive this and come out with such a great outlook on life.

Please everyone so close to dday don't lose hope. Things do get better.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 8:54 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How have I changed? Hmm
Well I really don't see the point of getting married anymore. I look at marriage a lot differently now and don't really believe in the happily ever after thing.
I know I have been very depressed for a long time now and I am coming out of that which is a good thing. I also know that you NEVER really know what is going on in behind closed doors.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also for me the changes that so many of you have already mentioned. However since I am so far out it seems that one major change is that I no longer plan or think about my future. I don't think that next year I will plan a trip or a big family Christmas etc. I very much live for 1 day at a time. Don't hardly past 1 week. My mind says we hell I have no idea if next year I will be married or even living in this same place. Just living and trying to find something each week that I may focus on to be happy.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1648 | Registered: Jun 2008
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living more in the Now. More in tune with other people's feelings. Have less hard drive and focus, less willing to invest, and less trusting. More judgmental.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 784 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for all of your honest responses.
I never even thought of being positive. That's something to think about.
All of our journeys have been so hard.

Avicars wife: I think my husband is the same. They want us to b more vulnerable. I used to b so in control.


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be crazy in love with my H

that has changed. I love him, that's why I am trying to R. But I will never feel the same way about him that I used to,
even tho we are probably communicating better now than before his A.

Prior to this I had absolute trust in my WH

now, it doesn't take much for me to start getting suspicious. I will never trust him completely again.

Some of this damage can never be undone.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Great question. Rapidly approaching the 5 year mark and I can honestly say that I am a much stronger happier person.

Before DDay I was constantly trying to get my H's approval, love and attention. CodePendent much? That was what allowed him to get away with 5 months of cheating before I finally had proof and the self confidence to say enough.

Now I'm happy I love my H he lOves me. I could give a rip if the house is clean or if we have the impression of perfect. Now I am confident enough to demand the respect I deserve, be happy and enjoy life. I work hard and play harder and because we have gone through this shitstorn together we are happy heAled and strong. It was a hard crappy sad few years but wow the person I have become because of it?!?! I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

Hugs and strength to all who are finding their way.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sleepless22
♀ Member
Member # 36580
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is me now:

I had a profound loss of self, loss of any motivation, loss of real life spirt. It has been a struggle to come to grips with the new me. I don't like the new me. I don't feel like I accomplish much at all anymore, no drive, no desires. Hopefully, one day this will change.

I am also an angry mom where I didn't used to be. I have also seriously checked out of most of my life and have all but given up taking care of my house. Bare minimum here. To top it off no antidepressants due to being pregnant which kept my emotions and anger in check. And all of it stems from the lack of motivation. I hate who I have become.


Me-BS 33 Him- WH 35 (ptsdandhoping) 3 Kids 10, 5, 2, and one due 12/23.
DD1: 12/2/09-PA DD2: 05/25/12-EA with Ho-Worker;
Status: Reconciling, I think.
My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Crazy Town
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say that I am much more happy, but I am seemingly more content with who I am. I think the toughest part was learning to accept my own vulnerabilities. Now that I have accepted them as reality, I am learning to live with them, and working toward being happy in spite of them. I am not fascinated with life anymore, and I do not enjoy sex like I should, but I am beginning to appreciate more of the simple things in life. I am a little more serious, a little more cynical, and a lot more cautious with my heart.


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 31
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