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User Topic: How have you (the bs) changed since dday
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know where to begin!

#1. He is no longer on a pedestal and will never be. The fact that he WAS the perfect husband,lover, father and my absolute best friend for 20+ yrs.

It's like my world was always blue skies, never worried, never lost sleep over our relationship. Then his betrayal gutted me and knocked me to the ground. The day of DDay was like a huge curtain dropped and I saw only darkness, insomnia, anxiety attacks.

Now I speak my mind. If I feel in any way disrespected by another woman....I WILL say so. I am no longer silent and worried about what people will say.

R has been hard work, lots of good things in our relationship now. All the drama has ended... The worst part is that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have a reminder in my face about the A.

Married 24

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am NOT as nice as I used to be.

I used to sacrifice everything, even my own health, for my fWS, for my family, for my patients and colleagues. no more. I will not be subservient to anyone.

I will not do things anymore out of obligation. I just pissed off one of my residents because I don't want to go to her wedding. I hate weddings. You guys live together for five years and if the rainbows and unicorn farts are still there I might deign to go.

See. I told you I'm not nice,

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has only been a few weeks since D day for me and it took me awhile to change but I have.
1. I am not the devoted slave aka wife I was.

2. I don't trust implicitly.

3. I don't allow him the liberties he used to have such has going to parties with friends and crashing there cause he was too drunk to drive ( that is why we have taxi service).

4. I informed him that he has allot more responsibilities around the house, because I won't do everything anymore.

5. I also made myself my #1 priority, health wise, and time wise.

6. I also came to terms with the fact that even though we have been married 25 yrs I would be ok if I ended up alone!

I think I have changed for the better !

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a profound loss of self, loss of any motivation, loss of real life spirt. It has been a struggle to come to grips with the new me. I don't like the new me. I don't feel like I accomplish much at all anymore, no drive, no desires. Hopefully, one day this will change.

I feel the same way. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. I use to be so alive. I loved pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I was jumping out of airplanes, swimming with sharks, learning to surf. I wanted to learn the flying trapeze. Now all I want to do is make it through the day without crying or feeling jealous. I've been trying to mail the same 3 envelopes for a week now. Everything takes so much effort.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think *I* was broken. Not so much anymore in MY life. I am not broken. My marriage is broken, my wh is broken. *I* am not. Granted, I'm not strong and confident. I do not feel valued/loved by my wh. BUT I refuse to be broken, personally, by him and his actions. My marriage, if it survives, will never be the same. Our relationship will never be the same, but I will be stronger - hopefully someday I will be a happier stronger, but for now at least, I am personally healing and no longer broken.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have risen from the dead. Before DDay I was dead. I was a ghost. Not alive. Not present.

DDay was such a slap in the face. Each successive discovery since then has been another slap. I woke up. I got up. I'm still rising. I'm alive again.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, where to even begin...

I used to trust my husband beyond measure. Now that trust is totally gone.

I didn't question where he was or who he was with and would never have questioned any phone calls, texts, credit card bills, bank statements, etc..
Now I feel like a PI all the time. I check up on him daily and question where he is at all times. I check his phone calls and texts at least once a week. I open his mail and check his bank statements and credit card charges. I check for the possibility of a second phone or a phone app that he might be able to IM from. I check his paystub weekly to make sure he is at work when he says he is. I keep a tally of when he has a dayoff and how much vacation or sick time he is using.

I was never jealous if he spoke to other women or made a comment about some other woman. I now get mad if he talks overly friendly to women and get pissed if he makes any comments on a woman's body.

I could not wait to see him everyday. Now there are days that I dread the time when he gets home.

I thought he was my KISA and I was his princess (what he called me). Now I know he is just a cheater and liar wrapped in tin foil. I hate it when he calls me princess and have tod him never to call me that again. I am no longer his princess and he is no longer my KISA.

I thought we had a great marriage and could talk about anything. I now see all the problems we really had in our marriage. I took off my rose-colored glasses and stomped on them so I could never put them back on. I rarely talk to him about true feelings and keep alot of things to myself.

I never yelled at him or said anything that might upset him. Now it doesn't take me alot to completely lose it when he is being selfish or trying to hide anything from me. I no longer care if my words or actions upset him.

I was motivated,independent, and trusting. I now have little motivation to do alot of anything. I now feel vunerable and weak. Like previous posters he seems to like this better. I will never ever trust him again. I no longer trust that he is being honest with me and read something into almost all of his conversations with me.

I thought about the good times ahead of us and our future together. I no longer look into the future and dream about spending our old age together. I feel that it could be gone in a heartbeat, so I just live my life one day at a time and hope for the best.

I never thought about infedelity or paid much attention to it in songs, movies, media, etc.. I now trigger when I see or hear anything related to infedelity. I now see it everywhere and how society looks at it as not that big of a deal.

I never cared if he watched porn and thought it was just a stupid fantasy and was amused by the stupid plots. It now makes me trigger big time and I see it for the sleazy trash it is and know how it can make someone think that is the way sex should be in real life.

I used to enjoy making love with my husband. I now just view it as sex and usually avoid it when I can. It is no longer enjoyable for me and makes me wonder if my WH is thinking of OW when we have sex.

I would never share my deepest fears with someone I didn't know. Now I share my deepest darkest fears with the wonderful supportive people on SI almost daily and try to give my support or advice when someone needs it.

I used to love my home and land and always considered it our special place. I now hate my home. It feels forever tainted knowing the OW was living in it every week while I was out of town working. It creeps me out to know she touched and sorted through my things, slept in my bed, showered in my shower, sat on my furniture and cooked in my kitchen. It makes me sick that my WH allowed this to take place in my home so he didn't have to pay for a hotel room and dinners out.

I used to think I was special to my WH and he was special to me. I now no longer feel special and I no longer love my WH the same way or with the passion that I used to. I put a wall around my heart so that he can never be able to tear it down again.

I could go on and on. It has made me into a totally different person than I used to be and I am sure the old me is gone forever and I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 1:28 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am NOT as nice as I used to be.
I used to sacrifice everything, even my own health, for my fWS, for my family, for my patients and colleagues. no more. I will not be subservient to anyone.

Yeah this is me too - I did about 85% of stuff at home, worked full-time, spent time caring for my dying SIL (no prizes for guessing what WH used this time for), was studying part-time for my masters and trying to do everything my WH wanted to prove I was a "worthy" wife!

Talk about a worn out door-mat.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 1:37 AM, September 5th (Thursday)]

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. I don't think you can face a life altering situation without changing.

I am now much more reserved. I always was quiet and shy I guess but even more so now.

I lost a heap of weight, now gained a heap of weight. Now trying to get the weight off in a healthy way.

I don't trust anyone. I am extremely guarded.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow ... I love this question! It has been almost 1 year since Dday. With all honesty, I can say I love who I am and I love the life that I have. I have read countless books that have allowed me to gain insight along with IC. At 42 years old, I am going back to school to earn my Masters so that I can secure a job and be able to provide for myself and my children long term. I am proud to be a mom/dad to my teens and feel good at how we are rebuilding our life. I am much stronger than I ever thought. I used to cower and give in when he was angry but now I stand up for myself. Life is so much easier. I thought it would be harder when he left but apparently since I was doing everything (parenting, driving kids, housework, fixing, financial issues, cooking, bills, etc), my life is so much less stressful. No more walking on eggshells. I go to church and feel spiritually fed there. I appreciate the love and support from family and friends. I am a plus size woman and stbx made me feel embarrassed of my body. Now, I read body acceptance blogs and books and have purchased a dress, pretty shoes, cut my hair, wear make-up ~ now I do what I want because I deserve it and I am worthy.

This has been a journey. Painful but necessary journey. If you are in the beginning, I know it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Many of us shared that IT IS THERE! Believe us. Feel the pain, feel the anguish, cry, grieve ... it's all necessary to rebuild your life in a healthy manner. Don't rush it ~ take your time.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 31
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