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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still looking for hope
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So NC worked for like 5 days then I turned psycho again. I was calling or texting when I would be having questions. Today I showed up at his friends place. I texted the OW today. She apparently immediately texted my WH. I texted him to let him know I had contacted her and he said he knew because he sent him the convo. I checked his cell usage and sure enough she did text him (first time I have seen this number appear in months).

I guess what I am hoping is that I still had a chance at winning my husband back.

Does anyone have or know any stories of the WH coming back even f the BS made some crazy moves at first? Or am I doomed?


S

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Eyeofthetiger)))

First I just want to say I can hear the desperation through your post. Do not contact the OW. In fact if I were you I would be NC with WH too (if he is out of the house) and work on that 180!

BTW I have pulled so many crazy moves I'm surprised my WH wants to R so badly. I feel at times it's as if I am trying to get him to leave.

Hang in there!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look. I'm being very blunt here. All for you, hopefully,

You either 180 him or you chase him. You choose.

Yes, you fell off the wagon, but you can climb right back on top of it again. But you have to CHOOSE. You CANNOT win him back. You don't have the power. He has to choose to come back to you. Which he can do. But, BUT, under what circumstances?

If you want him back, no matter what, who he commits A with, if he lies to you, whatever, you can certainly have him back under those circumstances. And what does that mean for the rest of your life?

Sistah, I urge you to get back on that 180 for yourself and decide, for yourself, what you need and want in a relationship and see if he can give that to you. Because if you do not, if you allow him to come back on HIS terms, you are not only petting the Drama Lama, you are inviting it to live in your bedroom and eat what it wants to.

You understandably, screwed up. Learn from that. Get back on the 180 wagon, figure out what you want, need, and most importantly, DESERVE, and go for it. Either he gives it to you or not. If not, then seek what you deserve. The life that you are living is not a practice run. This is it. You have one chance. Live your life in that truth CHOOSE life. No matter what decisions it leads you to.

And come back for support. We sure as heck aren't perfect we've just walked in your footsteps and want the best for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5062 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

winning my husband back

You can't win him back. He needs to want to come back and chasing him is not going to work.

I can relate to this:

I feel at times it's as if I am trying to get him to leave

One day I handed my WH a bottle of wine (he was an alcoholic and I suspect OW is as well) and told him to take it and leave...go to MOW and stay there. Was I serious? Absolutely, he knew I meant it.

I never begged, pleaded, or chased. Instead I would tell him (repeatedly):
"if you don't like it, get the f*^k out"

He never left.

Why are you contacting the OW? This is not a good idea. She certainly is not trustworthy. Work hard at making her a non entity in your life.



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2127 | Registered: Nov 2011
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want your WS back you have to leave him alone. No contact. I begged, pleaded, cried, threatened suicide and it goes on and on.
One day, I just stopped. I gave him space - decided that if that was what he wanted so be it. I know I'm making it sound easy, but IT WAS NOT!!!
A few weeks later, he was home. Sorry and horrified at what he had done. He fooled around on me for 4 years plus and I never knew.
He is doing everything in his power to make this R work.
Back off and see what happens. Nothing else has worked; maybe this will.
Good Luck


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1366 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for being helpful and blunt. Honestly I have such a roller coaster of emotions. I don't even know if I would want to be with him but I just want to feel like he wants to be with me.

I still have hope that he will wake up.

Devastated30--- that is what I would like to happen to me too!

Today is a new day. It is def hard to do NC esp with kids involved. But here I go again


S

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2013
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes ppl want to WiN WS back and realize they actually didn't want them just didn't want the OP to have them or the idea that they were stolen ....I think that resentment sets in a diff way not just the A but the fact that you had to plea to you WS to come back that they didn't fight for you after fucking up .

After all the say real men/ women can't be stolen .

WHs AP couldn't steal him if her life depended on it she was only able to distract him for a little bit and it didn't take long for him to realize how horrible she was and how horrible he's been



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I shouldn't have used the word "win".

Rather i want him to come crawling back, begging, pleading, and doing everything possible to get his family back.

But again, he says the affair is over. I have done secret digging and it is i fact over at least with her. But he says he doesn't feel the same about us anymore. I am still calling BS on that.

I just want to show him who we actually are. And have him literally crawl and beg back into my life.

Maybe I won't want him back. But that's what I want right now.

Don't know if this should be in the reconcilliation forum but I thought if anyone had advice it would be here instead of divorce/separation.


S

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2013
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi there....my story is in my profile...but i just wanted to tell you that the way you are feeling is understood. in one way or another...we have all been there...terribly hurt.

but let me tell you this....if i could rewind my life back a few years ago, when i first learned my h had cheated on me...i would have done so many things different. but you know what? i just wasnt strong enough to really, really, really be a strong woman. i just wasnt.

and at the time, i couldnt even really listen to the people on SI...i faked like my h was doing what was in the healing library...made excuses for him...and didnt divulge to the group here what my h really was and wasnt doing.

i was too embarrassed and hurt to admit the truth...to myself.

but, i wish so much that i would have listened. and i know that it is still early for you...but if some way, you can find the strength really listen to what was posted just now on this thread and really do it....even if your heart isnt in it yet..but do it. you will see that no matter what happens you will feel so much better about yourself and the kind of woman you are.

if he comes back, you will feel good and confident knowing that he came back to you the right way....on your terms. and if he doenst, then you will know that you stood your ground and accepted no BS....so he bailed...and you wouldnt want a man like that anyway.

the veterans on this thread know exactly what they are talking about....i honestly would have saved myself 2 years of more drama and false r if i had been strong enought to:

1. kick his ass to the curb. and i mean, to the curb...and mean it when you do it. dont just say it, but do it. cry behind closed doors if you have to, but let him go...and tell him good riddance.

2. have your conditions for r firmly in place. a remorseful cheater will have no issue doing any of what you require. and if he doesnt, let that be your dealbreaker...seriously.

3. understand that you cant win him back. never. and you dont want to win your husband back. he needs to come back to you on his own. no exceptions.

4. so, you screwed up contacted the ow...so what. we have all done it. i have to. but stop. dont contact her again. she has no control over him, and is not making him do a damn thing. he cheated and is in contact with her because he wanted to....make no mistake about that. she is irrelevant to you and your m.

5. if he is out of the house, do not let him come back. i made this mistake, until he shows you that he means business about meeting your r requirements. and what's the rush. taking him back too soon is a mistake. let him show you that he is serious. and this can be done in a matter of weeks...that time apart will not kill you. and it wont make you lose him either. i was scared about this too...but be strong.

6. 180 his ass HARD. no acceptance of phone calls unless it is about the kids or bills....no chit chat, no response to texts, no calling his friends, family, no excuses to make up to communicate with him...nothing. he should be dead to you unless it is about the kids or bills...and that can be done via text....to the point and all business.

these are just a few of the things i wished i had done...that so many people even on this thread told me to do, but i didnt listen. ended up in false r for 9 months because i was "too scared" to lose him.

those days are over. and i feel so much better. and you will too...i promise you that one.

let him go. and if he is serious...and i mean really serious about being sorry and serious about not fucking around on you again, he will come back, hat in hand...head down...humbled...wanted to do whatever it take to make it work.

a wise SIer once to me that he needs to be willing to "move heaven and earth" to save the m and make me safe.

anything less i tell you from experience is a load of serious bullshit.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1038 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks!

My H says he feels differently about our relationship and does not want to continue.

I would move heaven and hell to R even with all my hurt.

I don't understand how I felt one way from him but he says he feels different.


When I see him, his eyes are so sad.

180 180 180 but I can't help but hope it changes his view.

Urgh! I felt strong yesterday. But am imagining him in the future with a GF or wife and it pains me. That is suppose to be me!


S

Posts: 130 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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