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User Topic: OM lost his job bc of the a
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's unreasonable for me to think that she wouldn't be upset, especially since she was partially responsible for this.

MMM...not so fast, 'raven - since she is so responsible for this, I would expect a remorseful WS to suck it up and say to you, to herself, and to the world, 'This is just another consequence of what we did.'


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9947 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PainPain:
I am a minister at another congregation.
Sisoon: That makes sense. But I wouldn't expect anyone to not be upset over the devastation you cause yourself. Isn't it ultimately about doing the right thing regardless of how you happen to feel?

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will not be causing embarrassment to your wife; she has brought embarrassment on to herself. Why are you absorbing the fallout for what she and the OP did? Let go of the outcome. Actions have consequences, and they will have to suffer the fallout of their own actions. You have nothing to do with it.

This merits repeating^^^

I get that you are still married to your WW. Standing by her and attempting to R with her is very noble. It's a gift!

But these are decisions that she made unilaterally. You did not cause this breech, she did with her AP.

Remove yourself from the fall out from their betrayal. Stay focused on what is your beeswax...her cheating and now disloyalty.

Isn't it ultimately about doing the right thing regardless of how you happen to feel?

Yes, from a pastors point of view, that is correct. And God Bless you for having empathy for the situation.

BUT...

This is about your personal life. YOU are the priority. Your feelings trump anything that gets in the way of your healing from this shitstorm called infidelity.

Turn inward. Seek answers for your own well being. This is crisis time. Anything less than recognizable remorse and 100% fealty is unacceptable.

Please don't tarry waiting for her to come around. This is your life. You will have to be selfish to survive this. (Sorry WW) And if she does not understand this...well...that is kinda her defacto answer of what she really thinks of you.

Like I said before...Please protect your heart.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I wouldn't expect anyone to not be upset over the devastation you cause yourself.

Devastation to the uninformed/non-participating parties.

OM's loss of position is one of his consequences due to his and your WW's behavior. That devastation isn't what warrants being upset about. The congregation that listened and relied on OM, and now has lost that way of life---that is devastation that deserves sympathy. They were innocent, and affected by damage from others. You and OBS's pain and suffering also deserves sympathy.

Please try to redefine your lines of what is and is not considered disloyal.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for the input everyone.

GettingtoHappy: I have to try and do the right thing no matter what. A lack of empathy has always been one my greatest faults. I find that I often don't understand how others feel, although my w may have exaggerated that fault. I do think that I have compassion even without empathy.

Anyway, the point is that there is a big part of me that hesitates investing any more time in this. But I am in love with this woman, and she says that she is committed to real change. The ball was certainly in my court, and it still is, for but I want to try for now

JB: I'm not sure I understand what you meant by redefining what constitutes disloyalty. I certainly understand the part about reserving sympathy for the innocent bystanders damaged, but the redefining part, I don't get

[This message edited by quoththeraven1 at 11:20 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: and now I have lost my job bc of the a. Not a good day yesterday. I had allowed myself to think that we could move past this scandal. I was wrong

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Chicky
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Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, however, I don't understand how you have now lost your job because of what they did. Especially since you are over another flock. Would you mind explaining?


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I have always said, "Everything is good until somebody gets hurt."

Affairs are pure evil. Everything about an affair sucks. Unfortunately it always seems to be the BS who suffers the most.

I am going to have to agree with some of the posters and say that your ww is probably more upset over the fact that she has been ratted out. And if she really is grieving over the lost a, then shame on her for hurting you even further. A ws for the most part has lots of guilt and little remorse, if they get upset over them being the news of the day. They are the ones who put themselves in that position in the first place, not the BS.


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Sep 2005
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to hear about your job. Please remember that we all have personal failings. We're saved, not perfect. But just because you have a personal failing doesn't mean that they all "weigh' the same.

Pornography is wrong. Erotica, when shared between spouses (and I know you know of the Biblical passages I am thinking about) can be part of the cement that bonds two people together. As well you should know by now, Porn is faceless and isolating a total negation of couples bonding. It is solitary, selfish, and introspective.

But going out and laying down with another person, committing adultery, is a far greater betrayal than that solitary, selfish path of porn. You hurt yourself, and your wife, with your obsession. And as the BW of someone who used porn, sex cams, and pay me to do X sites, I fully understand what porn is and its effects. None of this compares to having a spouse who willfully, decisively, and purposefully goes out and gets laid by another person. To me, at least, it's the difference between a punch to the gut and a knife to the gut. Plus the betrayal is far more than just she and you. There are other people involved the branches of impact spread out much wider.

And being that you're a minister, all of this is even more greatly magnified. Sounds harsh, but truth.

So, here the two of you are. What will you do with yourselves? What will you choose for your lives? What path will you follow together, or apart? Big choices ahead for you.

I wish you well, my brother. I hope for the best for you. You are in my prayers.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry QTR1. What a damn drag!

I wish there was more that we could do for you.

Just know that you are in our hearts and minds. We are here to listen and empathize with you.

Let us help you heal. Keep posting, keep reaching out. We are here and we care.

((((((((((QTR1)))))))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicky: They wanted to keep me, but the scandal of the preacher's wife in a 15 year affair was thought to be too much for the congregation to live down.
Skan: You are the most wondrous combination of blunt truthful and compassion. Thank you. I wish you were here to help my w see this. What will we do? We are now committed to moving forward. I need a job and a house since I have committed myself to staying in this town, at least until my younger son gets through school.
Happy: You just did much for me by what you took time to write. Thank you

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even with your explanation I still do not see how you lost your job.

You've been considering divorce, and it is justified here. Taking that step might change the storyline here?

You have a young son, and you say you are committed to moving forward. Does this mean a re-commitment to the marriage. If so, get yourselves into counselling.

Is the whole story out....the prior d-days you ignored....the prior addiction to porn? (you've done the right thing in this regard for a long time, with a few slips). I guess the congregation might feel uncomfortable about that...but do they even know that part?

Is your job loss permanent, or are you free, down the road, to try to find a new congregation?

If not, are you trained in counselling? Maybe you could find a calling there.

In the 1990's husband and I some in-crisis MC,and went to a Catholic priest recommended by my Anglican minister.

He was very good at what he did, and part of the reason was that he was a dentist before going into the ministry. In his secular life he had a girlfriend who cheated on him.

He described some very strong revenge fantasies (making the OM dance while he shot gunshots at his feet.) He did not do this, but his anger had taken his angry/revenge thoughts to that point.

His experiences with infidelity in his life I believe helped him in dealing with us. He was direct in his questions, did not take tt, or fog.

Give time for this to settle, then consider other alternatives, helping marriages in crisis...maybe that is your next calling.

In the meantime since your wife and you are committing, do work on yourselves.

Google Retrouvaille. Lots of people here have been there. It's a weekend together with others, and the theme is communication in the marriage. Your story does not have to come out...though I expect many would be there for the same reason as you.

You listen to one of the speakers then go back to your room with "homework". You come back and further talks and homework take you through the weekend. You stay at the hotel so you can fully devote yourselves. Look at their calendar over the next year and see if there is a city near you on their calendar.

Can't hurt.

God Bless you and your family, and the other family as well. Best case scenario, OM's health improves, and they recommit.

Ideally you should move away when it makes sense (child finishes school).


Posts: 2564 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even with your explanation I still do not see how you lost your job.

Many, many questions and rumors swirling about our little town, especially regarding the preacher's wife indulging in a 15 year affair.

You've been considering divorce, and it is justified here. Taking that step might change the storyline here?

It might, but I believe it would harm our boys. Besides that, it is not what I want at this time


You have a young son, and you say you are committed to moving forward. Does this mean a re-commitment to the marriage.

Yes it does

If so, get yourselves into counselling.

At the moment, I am unwilling to go into joint counselling with her. That may sound contradictory to my ultimate desire to restore our home, but I am convinced that she needs to confront her own problems on her own first. In previous counselling, it seemed to me that she felt that our ultimate goal was to "fix" me. I went along with that because there were certainly some things that needed fixing. However, I think that her pride has always been an issue, and that she needs some straight talk from someone besides me on these issues. I am no longer willing to go along with her favorite myth that she was a wonderful wife and I was an awful husband before the affair. That being said, if I see some evidence that she is willing to deal honestly with reality, I am more than willing to do whatever is necessary to restore our home.

Is the whole story out....the prior d-days you ignored....the prior addiction to porn? (you've done the right thing in this regard for a long time, with a few slips). I guess the congregation might feel uncomfortable about that...but do they even know that part?

I felt duty bound by a sense of fairness that if anyone learned of her infidelity that they ought to know what I had done. The main issue with everyone seems to be the affair. Incidentally, I hope that I did not mislead you, but what I did over the last 5 years (until this Spring) was more than a few slips. It was months on and months off of indulging in porn. I went into counseling in 2002, and was doing things the right way up until I learned of the a in 2008. After that, and until this Spring, I failed many times

Is your job loss permanent, or are you free, down the road, to try to find a new congregation?

I am. However, I was here for 20 years, and I want to stay in this town at least until my younger son graduates.
Incidentally, the OM is unfortunately perfectly healthy. However, if I ever have to see him again, his health may take a drastic turn for the worse. That icon is as close as I can come to looking innocent. Thanks for your input, Janet


Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry you lost your job because of your WW's actions. It is so unfair.

How did your WW react to this news?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7276 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She kind of withdrew from me for the evening. She said that she thought that I blamed her. I did to a degree. I resented her doing that, but she did make a special trip home at lunch to check on me and to ask if I were still interested in going forward together.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you and your family and hope that things are moving along as well as can be expected.

Your story impacted me greatly. Years ago I lived in a VERY northern community. 2x the pastors (both female) of my church were let go unceremoniously within a couple of years of each other. I have NO idea why. I suspect that there were power politics at play...but who knows. I know how much it hurt me to lose these nice women from our church.


Posts: 2564 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Janet: Things are progressing. W finally apologized for equating my porn use with her affair. I felt like it was a big step. I told her that I had not sought sympathy from anyone who knew, but it was becoming a little absurd how many would pointedly observe when I told them of the porn use "That isn't the same." What seemed to turn the corner in her thinking was a friend of hers who is a counselor who reportedly stated to her that in her experience, an affair trumps everything else. But even better is a growing sense of partnership and very pleasant times together, and what appears to be honesty

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
♀ Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it's a long road but looks like you're travelling in the right direction.

Posts: 2564 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
purplejacket4
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Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think that you will move to another town to get another post or stay where you are and leave the ministry?

When this happened to my dad he left the ministry even though he got a "scriptual" divorce. He just didn't have the heart to stay in that vocation. After he healed and remarried he began preaching at little churches part time. He actually disagrees with Timothy and thinks that "when you preach for free you're free to preach!"


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there really anyway as WS could respond that we as BS's would like?

Case in point: WW recently said she does not miss or spend any time thinking about the OM or the A, (15 years by the way ). I am of course relived about that but I also said it is horrible that WW would risk everything, her self worth, our kids safety, not to mention my pain on something that apparently meant so little to her. WW response was "Oh, I cared about him a lot"


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
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