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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He swears this is spam...I'm struggling to believe it is
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spinning, You really have 2 choices here. One you play like you believe him, and get a VAR in his car, one in the bedroom, if he is home when you aren't.
You accept what he has told you as the truth, even though it seems very obvious it is not.

You say you don't live like you don't trust him, but you don't. You gave him a poly. You still aren't confident that he is being truthful. So really its up to you, you get to decide when enough is enough.

I would also like to suggest for hiding places for that damn phone - between the mattress and boxsprings, and under drawers in any of the furniture that has drawer liners built in. (this is a really slick spot to hide things, and my H had NO idea I hid thousands of dollars in cash there shortly after Dday, you know my just in case money).

This sucks to be in this spot - I was there, the one thing I learned through all of this is when your gut is telling you something listen, it is NEVER wrong.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even looking for a different charger is a stretch anymore. So many of the phones charge now with a micro USB that he could very well be using the same charger for his real and secret phone.

I would go over his real cell bill detail with a fine tooth comb. Maybe he called the phone to see if it was working. Even if you have the original tracfone number (cause he probably changed it by now) you might be able to call the horrible customer service line. When you talked to customer service it was somebody with a heavy accent, right? I a shocked they offered to call the phone. They have never been much help to me at all.

Call back and tell them you don't have the Tracfone in front of you but you want to change the contact number to your cell phone. Give them your H's work line and then tell them it needs changed to your cell number. COuld work depending on who answers your call to the service center.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spinning, I just want to give you a hug. This is all kinds of awful.

FWIW, my husband's secret phone was in a duffle bag filled with oily rags in the garage. I never would have found it had my gut not been screaming, and I literally snuck up behind him.

Rather than torturing yourself more, I suggest again letting this go and getting a VAR if you need concrete proof for yourself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there are all kinds of things my husband can do to throw me off-track when that call comes in if the phone is his. It really doesn't offer me any confirmation. my hope is that I will get the tracfone number on my phone if/when the "unknown owner" calls me. That will give me something to work with on my own to investigate it further,I'm hoping.

Spinning, I know your heart is broken and I'm sorry for your pain. This "unknown owner" is a phantom. It is your husband.

But, let's imagine for a moment that it isn't. There is no obligation on the part of the phantom owner to call you, and why would they? Even if they do call you they would probably *67 the call so that no number showed when they call you, or it would show on your ID as "restricted". Or, they might call you from a landline. Again, you can restrict the number from showing on ID by dialing *67 before the number. Do not count on this call giving you accurate information. IF you receive a call it will most likely be someone that your husband has asked to call you and play the part. Again, you won't receive any useful information.

I'm sitting here typing all this out and it makes so little sense to me that I almost feel like *I* am lying in telling the convoluted story - I know he probably is.

Bingo!

The odd thing was husband immediately got up and went into the closet (we were calling from our bedroom).

He went to check to make sure that he had silenced the ringer! Think about it. You are in the midst of trying to straighten out something that is jeopardizing your marriage and he gets up and goes to the closet? Comeon! He was petrified that it would ring. There's no reason that someone would behave in a suspect manner unless they were worried their phone would betray their lie. No other reason!

I still wonder about the possibility of the owner of the phone mistyping a digit, thus leading to my husband's office phone as husband suggested. Is it possible?

Of course it is possible. Your husband thought of any, and everything, that would cover his purchase of this phone and he settled on this explanation because it is the most believable. However, in light of everything else, in particular his going to the closet, his excuse isn't probable.

The problem is, that we, and you, look at each suspect situation and accept wild explanations for that one situation. However, when you knit them together you can see how bizarre those explanations are.

Following his "pass" on the polygraph (which I agree was done poorly) he became confident enough that he could take his sexual trolling under the radar. He used his work number because he is in a controlled facility and knows that you can't have access unless he is with you. He neglected, or forgot, that his work voicemails/emails are forwarded to his cell phone and thus how he was busted.

You can bet that he has gone online and changed that feature of Tracfone contact, by now.

The phone is still active because he intends to use it for sexual trolling. You will just never see it as he has hidden it where you don't have access.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, you can play Private Investigator. You can search for a hidden phone. You can search his office, his car, the house. You can worry yourself to death over it.

Or you can be done with him and all of this shit. Throw him out until he comes clean. At the very least, a hard 180 for this guy.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7547 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
spinningwheel
♀ New Member
Member # 39336
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillgoing, I can see why you're confused. Let me try to explain..

Husband has an office desk phone, work cell phone and work email. When someone calls his office desk phone and he isn't available to answer, the call rolls to voicemail.

After the voicemail is recorded, the system sends and email to his work email that reads:
"Dear (husband's name as it is listed in the company directory),just wanted to let you know you were left a (however long the voicemail is) long message in your mailbox (desk phone voicemail) from (name of caller or 'private' depending on whether the system identifies the caller's number), on (date) at (time) so you might want to check it when you get a chance."

Friendly, kinda weird automated email notification of a pending voicemail.

At the bottom of that email notification message is a link to the voicemail. He can listen to it from his email or wait until he's back at his desk and access it there from his desk phone.

I randomly check his email, phone and computer. It's part of the transparency we agreed to with our therapist. On Tuesday,I just happened to check his work email from my computer at home and saw that notification and listened to the message.

In one of my earlier posts, I typed out the content of the voicemail. His name was not used in the voicemail. That was my misunderstanding, because I saw his name used in the greeting of the notification. Husband has since proven to me that is standard in all notifications.

But the voicemail was confirming he had added airtime to his tracfone. A tracfone he swears he doesn't have.

And the nightmare goes on from there.

I hope this makes more sense. My brain is so jumbled right now I can't tell.

[This message edited by spinningwheel at 12:23 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, that part makes sense. I don't remember TF using my name in the messages.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
spinningwheel
♀ New Member
Member # 39336
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate ya'll's candor. It occurs to me that you're telling me the same thing I would tell someone in my position.

I've seen some boards where members reassure each other right off a cliff and it really bothers me. I haven't seen people saying the hard stuff that matters when I've visited those boards.

I'm so grateful SI isn't like that. Speak truth plainly, clearly and as nicely as possible. Truly, I appreciate this about SI's board members.

I can handle the hard stuff. My heart resists with all its might so it sometimes takes a while for the lightbulb to go on, but I want the truth of your collective perspectives and experience.

You've been really patient with me, some of you even having to repeat your reasoning to me. Thank you.


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how has your WH been acting since the phone call to customer service?

You are desperately trying to make sense out of this. If you take his words out of it..and go only only that message and what the customer service rep said to you..and listen to your gut..the entire thing makes perfect sense. The reason you are confused is because he is lying and you are trying to figure out how to match up what has happened with what he is saying. It doesn't match.

He is a liar. You know this. Asking him anything will get you nowhere. You don't need the words of a liar to confirm to you what you already know.

Stop talking to him and VAR the car.

Im so sorry.

(((((((sw))))))))


ETA: I think you are getting such an overwhelming response because to many of us who have been in this position can so clearly see what he is doing. We all know exactly how you are feeling. It breaks my heart that you are dealing with this. it is so fucking unfair. They see the pain they cause..and turn around and do it again. It's "one thing" to do it and not understand the devastation it will cause..it's quite another to know exactly what kind of pain you're causing...and do it anyway. It's beyond cruel.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:42 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7308 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. That does change it up some. In playing devils advocate in this case, is it possible he used to own that number and since it's been deactivated for XYZ time someone else bought it but Tracfone is too fucking stupid to update the info?

It's still way too far into the What The Fuck field when it comes to coincidence, IMO.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7431 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. That does change it up some. In playing devils advocate in this case, is it possible he used to own that number and since it's been deactivated for XYZ time someone else bought it but Tracfone is too fucking stupid to update the info?

Even were that true, it means that he used to have a secret phone. Same - same. IF it were an old phone number, then he should have explained that when all this happened. Either way, old phone, or new phone, he lied!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he been alone in the house since the closet incident?


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Spinning,
I have been reading your thread with tears in my eyes. I am so terribly sorry for you, wish I could give you a hug IRL.

My H hid his secret phone in plain sight in the car, it looked just like his iPod. He said I even had it in my hand at one time and did not realize what it was.

I will be praying for you. May you find peace.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 363 | Registered: Feb 2013
spinningwheel
♀ New Member
Member # 39336
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillgoing, I don't think so.

Speaking with the tracfone rep last night, they verified the phone was purchased Monday or Tuesday from a popular discount store in our town and was activated on Tuesday but wouldn't say where.

They told me this morning that it was not neither purchased nor activated in the zip code where we live or where my husband works. (Contradiction between reps as to whether it was purchased in our city.) Would not say where it was activated.

They would only answer yes or no to the questions I asked. The few questions they actually answered at all, that is. I had to look up surrounding city zip codes and ask "was it purchased in this zip code? Was it activated in this zip code? No? What about this one?" Ugh. He even went so far to suggest I may be looking at zip codes in the wrong state.
Umm, that's pretty critical information, don't 'cha think, sir? Wouldn't clarify.

My husband hasn't been out of our state without me in over a year. So that little detail of whether it was purchased in our state matters. Especially if it happened as recently as Monday or Tuesday.

They also said this morning that the phone is still active. No idea if that means they see activity or that it just hasn't been deactivated.

I'm making myself crazy keeping all this straight. My journal looks like a 4 year old got hold of it. LOL

Hey, I have a sorta clear record of it here, though!


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
spinningwheel
♀ New Member
Member # 39336
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pam,
Yes, he has been. I was outside with the phone rep for almost an hour performing an information-ectomy on my patient, the customer service rep. Husband was inside alone that entire time.

HOW did it not register with me that he went to the closet right before she called the phone? I watched walk all the way in there and it didn't even register until hours later. I guess my brain was just overloaded. Dunno.


Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This:
"Hi, (husband's name), this is Julie from Tracfone, calling to confirm you successfully added airtime to your Tracfone.

Is objectively different than this:

Every one of them beings with: "(last name,first name), you have received a (however long the message is) call from (the number or name)" caller.

Combined with this:

The odd thing was husband immediately got up and went into the closet (we were calling from our bedroom). I didn't notice that at the time (stupid) - it only occurred to me later. I proceeded to take the phone and go outside to talk to her privately and try to get more information from her. Was the mysterious phone he doesn't own in the closet and he ran to silence it? I have no idea.

Not odd, GUILTY. Not livid, GUILTY.

"I have no idea." SpinningWheel, you do have an idea -- that's why you paid for a polygraph. When you are ready to accept the truth, the evidence is before you.

I'm sorry for the way things have played out here, but it's better to know the facts.

(((spinningwheel)))

[This message edited by ladies_first at 1:06 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Active simply means it hasn't been deactivated.

You may want to read here: http://www.tracfone.com/includes/content/questions/General.jsp?enId=FA10025&esId=FA10026&a=1349414917986

You may want to get a copy of his work phone calls, his cell calls and your home phone calls in the event he called his Tracfone from those numbers. Read the link as to why he would have had to do this to activate the phone. (Of course he will claim that his work phone records can't be accessed, but that simply isn't true, particularly in a smaller office. However, you can expect him to tell you there's no way that info is available.)

Specifically regarding area codes Tracfone says, "Can I change my area code? Answer:
The wireless phone number can be change only up to 4 times per year. Please contact our Customer Care Center at 1-800-867-7183 to change your number."

Look, based on his SA type he is looking to act out, and doesn't want it on his work phone records, his cell phone records, or his home phone records. Thus the Tracfone.



------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((spinningwheel)) I have nothing to add but that you've been in my thoughts all day, you don't deserve "crazy" and that's what this does to us.

And now, you have to go into detective mode and I'm sure you're exhausted. How very unfair.

Hugs to you!!!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TF customer service is terrible at best. They had to send me three different SIM cards in order to get y daughter's working again.

Do not take for Bible's truth what the rep told you this morning. Until you have TF# or IEMI# you aren't going to get any solid information.

I would go with a VAR.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in my thoughts.

I have tears in my eyes as I read your posts...
We ALL know how you feel. Of course you want to drive yourself crazy because there is no way your WH is at it again.

I drove myself crazy for months. Trying to explain everything away.
My WH had a secret phone. He purchased it to talk to OW. He kept it in his car...

My only regret? Not planting the VAR.

Hugs.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 103
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