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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Odd Behavior
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lay out your requirements for R. Complete transparency is usually one of them around here. You should always have complete access to her phone. And the only reason to get defensive about things like phone or the preposterous pair of lacy underwear in pocketbook is that you have something to hide and are not really remorseful.

I am sorry. 180 is for you. Think about what you need to feel safe. You can only tell her what you need. You can't make her comply. But you can set up boundaries for your health and safety. And when they are violated, you can choose how you act. And how long you will stay in an unsafe place.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
PamJ
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with everything confused615 said, you are not in R, because SHE is not.


Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
LonelyBird461
♂ New Member
Member # 40565
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, no doubt R has been blown 100% out of the water. I can't trust now and honesty/transparency will have to be the only way I can move on. That and MC/meeting with pastor are probably my main two requirements. I don't think there is a lick of remorse from what I have seen/heard.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: LonelyBird461
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LonelyBird461,
Your WW tells that she is taking a pair of lacy underwear to feel sexy when she goes to meet a friend? That is a huuuuuge red flag. On top of that she is keeping her phone, the primary tool that facilitated her A, secret. The operative word there is "secret" and not "private".

I have to agree with Stillgoing.
I think she's still cheating, which means you're in false R. It would also mean she's not remorseful. Not really.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought grannie panties were the norm once you got past Age Teenager.

Really? nothing normal about granny panties. I don't own a single pair of ugly underwear.


Posts: 727 | Registered: Jul 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I went and checked out my wifes underwear drawer. No granny panties. They're all of the non-pantaloon style. So I retract that comment. The only time she ever carried panties in a bag was when we were going out somewhere to fuck in a parking lot or something though.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelybird...I am fairly new to this but here is my situation. Things exploded a week ago after I confronted the OW via text. After much talk between myself and WH and with him being very remorseful and begging forgiveness, this is what I laid out to him...
1. I wrote out my boundaries,limits and what I believe constitutes an affair. I made him read and sign it.
So that there is no room for confusion and deniability.
2. I demanded TT
3. His cell phone is mine the minute he walks in the door . It must stay in sight at all times when at home
4. I installed a text forwarding program on his cell that he does not know about. I will not be caught unaware ever again.
5. I installed a GPS tracker which he does not know about, he must let me know where he is or where he is going if not at work and answer his cell when I call if not in work hours. If he can not answer he must call me back within 5 min.
6. No going to parties and crashing at his buddies because he doesn't want to drive drunk...he lost that privilege forever. This is why taxis were invented.
7. I have access to all accounts and finances
8. I was the chief cook bottle washer and general slave for 25 yrs. apparently he had too much time on his hands, so he now has a list of household chores and general things he is responsible for.
9. I am still sleeping in our spare room and will move back to our marital bed when I am damn good and ready!
10. He needs to treat me like the queen I am for putting up with his bullshit for 25 years and a 3 1/2 month EA. He needs to date me and make me fall in love with him all over again.
11. He must continue seeing IC and when ready attend MC with me.

I figured if he was really sorry and really repentant he would agree to all of my terms and conditions. If he wasn't then he shouldn't let the door hit his ass on the way out. He WILL NOT get another chance and he knows it he breaks NC that I will call the OW myself and tell her he is moving in!

Every one of us here are worth more than their bullshit! I know that I sound like a bitch, but truly I am just a co-dependant BS who finally realized her worth! We are not in full R but working toward him gaining my trust. Eventually the rules will ease but things are too fresh for that right now and I refuse to let him rush me. He broke my heart, destroyed my trust and ripped my beliefs apart. It takes allot more than a few Pretty words and gifts to gain those things back...actions speak much louder!

Do not stand for her secrecy you are worth more than that! Good luck I hope you find your truth and the path you are meant to follow.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
LonelyBird461
♂ New Member
Member # 40565
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I am starting my 180 as this was all false recovery as once again she thought she had me fooled and got careless... that's all that makes logical sense.

I kicked her out of our bedroom... the heck with me sleeping elsewhere, my king size bed is mine until I'm ready for her to come back! Tonight, I'm taking myself out to the movies which blew her mind. I gave her a list of MC I would see and she can either pick on and come or I am going solo in addition to my own IC.

Any recommendations from anyone who has been in false R and successfully made it to R? How to proceed, tips, encouragement? I want to be in real R because I do still love her and want to work it out... but I'm not getting walked on again. Ever.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: LonelyBird461
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

swears they were just to feel sexy

Should have asked "for who"


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LonelyBird461
♂ New Member
Member # 40565
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, believe me, I asked... with a few sentence enhancers tossed in for good measure. For "herself"... I called bull... they were intended for someone who never showed up in my opinion... or whatever small conscience she has left spoke up a bit since they really hadn't been worn.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: LonelyBird461
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely...

I have not had false R but what I have had is myself leaving the house to find space and time to think away from my WH. He was such a trigger for me at first.

180's can come at any time...i would make sure you explain it to her. If she doesn't know the real reason for it she might project her own. You want her to know exactly why you are doing this.

Also be honest about the why of the 180. To get honesty you have to lead with honesty. Tell her how her phone makes you feel as well as her behaviour with her phone. Feelings can be heard so much better and clearer then accusations. She will be more understanding of feelings.

Your path is for you to create. If you feel you need this do it. Think of whatever makes you feel safe and ask for it!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take back your power,LonelyBird.

You sound strong..stay strong..get angry.


Im guessing she is still cheating..get a VAR..put it in her car Monday morning...I bet you have your proof within 24 hours.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LonelyBird,

In addition to all the great advice you've received, I would also say that there is no room for 'meeting a friend out' early in R. As someone else stated, the rules for R are extreme at first and can be revised as needed, when trust is regained.

I know some may disagree with me, but honestly, it took about a year to feel comfortable letting my WH out of my sight. He was accountable too.

Stop letting her drive the bus. The phone and phone records are yours to peruse whenever you sit fit. She would not have a problem with that if she wasn't hiding something.

Look, for instance, at how you responded. You didn't even hesitate. That is how someone acts when they have nothing to hide.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1573 | Registered: Jun 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lesson learned from infidelity: when your spouse suddenly starts keeping extra clothes -- but particularly underwear -- in the car "just in case I need them", chances are they're not doing it innocently.

You know your life is turning to shit when the best variable in the potential equation is early onset incontinence.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been through a year-long false R, and it took a combination of factors to survive it. It was ugly; I told both our kids--actually made my H tell them (the kids were 17 and 20 at the time and didn't know anything about the A until this second Dday. They did know that I was acting like a witch and that their dad and I had been fighting for a year). On Dday 2, for the first time in almost 2 years, I told my H I was completely done--AND meant it. I soon changed my mind, but when I first said it, we both knew that I was serious.

After Dday 1, my H had given me open access to his phone and work calendar, but in all honesty, I never routinely checked them, or I would do so immediately after he told me the passwords; I think I was so naive after Dday 1 that I really could not imagine he would cheat on me ever again--I was still frightened, but wanted so badly to believe in him that I set myself up for failure; I refused to see who he had become during the A, and chose to look only at the man he had been for over 20 years before the A. After Dday 2, he changed his phone #, showed me where and when he had routinely met the MOW, called the MOW in front of me and told her the A was over, encouraged me to call her BH (something I had not done after Dday 1) and sat beside me as I did so, taught me what to look for on his new phone and Outlook to see if he had enabled any type of messaging capability, took a polygraph, and honestly agreed to provide me all the ugly truth of the A--no more TT. In short, I finally implemented a modified version of the 180 and understood that the man my H had become during the A was not the man who had been my best friend for over half my life.

While all of the above sounds like I did something right, I think it's more fair and honest to say that I just finally started to take better care of me. I needed to feel safe and followed my instincts about how that could happen. It was incredibly hard for me because of serious co-dependency issues, but I knew I simply would not survive another Dday--seriously would not make it through another one. So, the actions I took weren't really about my M or H, they were about me and my survival. I truly understood somewhere deep inside me that I couldn't "make" my H do anything he didn't chose to do--I could only worry about me.

As for my H's side of the equation, he initially chose the MOW over me on Dday 2. That only lasted about 2 hours, and we both now understand he really wasn't picking her or dumping me; he was actually just letting both myself and the MOW make his decisions, just going with the current and feeling relieved that all the bs and conflict were finally over. He quickly realized that was only immediate relief, but a miserable and undesirable long term solution. And, in my opinion, one of the most crucial factors in our R, was my H really decided to and committed to walking away from the A. He finally made up his mind and committed to his actions wholeheartedly, without any reservations. No matter what I did, he had to make this decision first and foremost, just as I had to make my decision to keep myself safe and sane. This doesn't mean that I didn't require transparency, honesty, support, and care, it just means that I didn't require them only to save my M--I required them to save myself.

One final caveat: I further believe that it was important to really look at who my H was/is. He was an incredible man, partner, father, friend, etc. for over 20 years prior to the A. His core was good, and I knew it. I believed in his ability to return to himself if he chose. I believed the A was the anomaly, not our M or my H. He was worth the risk of another chance. And I am so very grateful that we both made the most of that chance.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
Topic Posts: 35
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