I am sorry. 180 is for you. Think about what you need to feel safe. You can only tell her what you need. You can't make her comply. But you can set up boundaries for your health and safety. And when they are violated, you can choose how you act. And how long you will stay in an unsafe place.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.
I have to agree with Stillgoing.
I think she's still cheating, which means you're in false R. It would also mean she's not remorseful. Not really.
Really? nothing normal about granny panties. I don't own a single pair of ugly underwear.
I figured if he was really sorry and really repentant he would agree to all of my terms and conditions. If he wasn't then he shouldn't let the door hit his ass on the way out. He WILL NOT get another chance and he knows it he breaks NC that I will call the OW myself and tell her he is moving in!
Every one of us here are worth more than their bullshit! I know that I sound like a bitch, but truly I am just a co-dependant BS who finally realized her worth! We are not in full R but working toward him gaining my trust. Eventually the rules will ease but things are too fresh for that right now and I refuse to let him rush me. He broke my heart, destroyed my trust and ripped my beliefs apart. It takes allot more than a few Pretty words and gifts to gain those things back...actions speak much louder!
Do not stand for her secrecy you are worth more than that! Good luck I hope you find your truth and the path you are meant to follow.
I kicked her out of our bedroom... the heck with me sleeping elsewhere, my king size bed is mine until I'm ready for her to come back! Tonight, I'm taking myself out to the movies which blew her mind. I gave her a list of MC I would see and she can either pick on and come or I am going solo in addition to my own IC.
Any recommendations from anyone who has been in false R and successfully made it to R? How to proceed, tips, encouragement? I want to be in real R because I do still love her and want to work it out... but I'm not getting walked on again. Ever.
swears they were just to feel sexy
Should have asked "for who"
I have not had false R but what I have had is myself leaving the house to find space and time to think away from my WH. He was such a trigger for me at first.
180's can come at any time...i would make sure you explain it to her. If she doesn't know the real reason for it she might project her own. You want her to know exactly why you are doing this.
Also be honest about the why of the 180. To get honesty you have to lead with honesty. Tell her how her phone makes you feel as well as her behaviour with her phone. Feelings can be heard so much better and clearer then accusations. She will be more understanding of feelings.
Your path is for you to create. If you feel you need this do it. Think of whatever makes you feel safe and ask for it!
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
You sound strong..stay strong..get angry.
Im guessing she is still cheating..get a VAR..put it in her car Monday morning...I bet you have your proof within 24 hours.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
In addition to all the great advice you've received, I would also say that there is no room for 'meeting a friend out' early in R. As someone else stated, the rules for R are extreme at first and can be revised as needed, when trust is regained.
I know some may disagree with me, but honestly, it took about a year to feel comfortable letting my WH out of my sight. He was accountable too.
Stop letting her drive the bus. The phone and phone records are yours to peruse whenever you sit fit. She would not have a problem with that if she wasn't hiding something.
Look, for instance, at how you responded. You didn't even hesitate. That is how someone acts when they have nothing to hide.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
You know your life is turning to shit when the best variable in the potential equation is early onset incontinence.
After Dday 1, my H had given me open access to his phone and work calendar, but in all honesty, I never routinely checked them, or I would do so immediately after he told me the passwords; I think I was so naive after Dday 1 that I really could not imagine he would cheat on me ever again--I was still frightened, but wanted so badly to believe in him that I set myself up for failure; I refused to see who he had become during the A, and chose to look only at the man he had been for over 20 years before the A. After Dday 2, he changed his phone #, showed me where and when he had routinely met the MOW, called the MOW in front of me and told her the A was over, encouraged me to call her BH (something I had not done after Dday 1) and sat beside me as I did so, taught me what to look for on his new phone and Outlook to see if he had enabled any type of messaging capability, took a polygraph, and honestly agreed to provide me all the ugly truth of the A--no more TT. In short, I finally implemented a modified version of the 180 and understood that the man my H had become during the A was not the man who had been my best friend for over half my life.
While all of the above sounds like I did something right, I think it's more fair and honest to say that I just finally started to take better care of me. I needed to feel safe and followed my instincts about how that could happen. It was incredibly hard for me because of serious co-dependency issues, but I knew I simply would not survive another Dday--seriously would not make it through another one. So, the actions I took weren't really about my M or H, they were about me and my survival. I truly understood somewhere deep inside me that I couldn't "make" my H do anything he didn't chose to do--I could only worry about me.
As for my H's side of the equation, he initially chose the MOW over me on Dday 2. That only lasted about 2 hours, and we both now understand he really wasn't picking her or dumping me; he was actually just letting both myself and the MOW make his decisions, just going with the current and feeling relieved that all the bs and conflict were finally over. He quickly realized that was only immediate relief, but a miserable and undesirable long term solution. And, in my opinion, one of the most crucial factors in our R, was my H really decided to and committed to walking away from the A. He finally made up his mind and committed to his actions wholeheartedly, without any reservations. No matter what I did, he had to make this decision first and foremost, just as I had to make my decision to keep myself safe and sane. This doesn't mean that I didn't require transparency, honesty, support, and care, it just means that I didn't require them only to save my M--I required them to save myself.
One final caveat: I further believe that it was important to really look at who my H was/is. He was an incredible man, partner, father, friend, etc. for over 20 years prior to the A. His core was good, and I knew it. I believed in his ability to return to himself if he chose. I believed the A was the anomaly, not our M or my H. He was worth the risk of another chance. And I am so very grateful that we both made the most of that chance.