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User Topic: Looking back, do you now see it was going to happen
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back at my marriage before the a (9 yrs ago) the more I realize that all the signs were there years before it happened. In fact, at this stage of the game the more I look back at my marriage post a, the more I think h had done it at least one time before.

He was in a job where people (especially women) flattered him all of the time. And now that I look back I can remember all of the times he would make his cute little comments to a waitress in front of me. (I would sometimes meet him at lunch during his work day) Or the way he would talk to any woman when he would tell his work stories. His subtle little comments thinking he was so funny and cute.

So as I see it now, YES, I do think an a had already taken place or was going to happen in the future. Too bad I was so trusting post a thinking that he could or would ever think so little of me, our marriage or himself.


Posts: 2438 | Registered: Sep 2005
hardtimesinlife
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Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I got an accidental Butt dial from him while he was in an OW's bedroom. Early on. He gaslighted, I couldn't prove anything so had no choice but to believe his lies.

Just like your second paragraph, second sentence, I now second guess everything that happened in our relationship. Makes me feel foolish to have trusted so much. I even trusted a little bit after dday one and before dday two.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO! Oh sure over the years our M weakened and barely existed. Had it started during his period maybe. But no, WW started her 15 year super long LTA about 6 months after our wedding. Really cannot think of problems we were having then. Really wish she had strong enough values to walk away first. Note I am not even wishing she didn't do it, but simply that she left!


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 672 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And now that I look back I can remember all of the times he would make his cute little comments to a waitress in front of me.
Ditto. Did we marry the same guy????


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perv had personality traits that should have been red flags, but his duplicity/deceit was so much that I couldn't quite put my finger on it. He had traits that other men had that I met over time-relatives, friends of his and such, so it was sometimes hard to know if a trait was belonging just to him and I was so nave that a red flag could have hit me right on the head. Some did. Some I knew, some I questioned, like the staring at other women, but would not have dreamed he would cheat, because of the personality he made himself into-model head of household and model citizen. Not now.

Now I recognize things and one of my parents recently said something along these lines, that he thought the personality was "lined up for it"...and that hurt.

But lately when I'm feeling stronger, I think of these traits and things and think that they won't help OW either, will they? He thinks the world is wrong and what he does is fine and we should adapt to him...not the other way around. But he is not like that at first. First it's the charm. The NPD charm.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back I saw what my instincts was telling me. But I denied it and my husband, then boyfriend was so charismatic (meaning manipulative) that I ended up the one feeling guilty and inadequate whenever I have suspicions.

I won't deny my instincts anymore. Good news is my FWH knows that I don't trust him and may never trust him and he's ok with that so long as I continue to recognize that he's become a better person.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"pain" Maybe so.....

"ash".....yep, looking back I do see where h's personality was lined up for it.

"Simple".....Yes yes yes......looking back I see a lot of things I should have seen in my marriage post a. But blind unconditional trust hindered my thoughts of infidelity.

And yes "hardtime".....I did feel foolish and maybe still do. Let's just say that it will never ever happen again because if it does I am ought of her once an for all.


Posts: 2438 | Registered: Sep 2005
Tearsoflove
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Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every day of our marriage, my husband told me he loved me and how beautiful I was. However, before my husband was sent on a remote tour overseas, his boss thought it would be a good idea for him to go to a leadership program. The program was only a couple hours from us so he could easily come home every weekend or we could go there to spend time with him. About half way through the program, he stopped wanting to come home and started ignoring us to hang out with the guys when we went there. I told him how I felt about it and that I was worried that his pulling a way was a signal that meant he might have an affair during the remote tour since he'd be away so much longer. He apologized for his behavior and assured me that would never happen. I'm not sure who's timeline is correct but if it's the OW, he was only there a couple months when the affair began. If it's him, he made it about four months. Pretty sad after 17 years of marriage that he couldn't make it away from us until his mid-tour leave. I originally chalked it up to how difficult it was to stay in touch because he was overseas and I didn't have a cell phone. Phone calls were super expensive so we did most of our conversations by email or chat program. But then he had the second affair and couldn't use that excuse.

The second affair, he had to be in another state for four months. He wasn't even there a month when the affair started. I had no idea it was going on. We spoke for at least an hour every single day. He sent me emails telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. It didn't feel all that different from when we were together other than distance. It's been three years and I still can't believe how good he compartmentalized. He was home for a month when her husband called me and I never had a clue right up until that moment.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4090 | Registered: Sep 2005
StepAside
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Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh hell yes. I was reading the signs, but they were in another language. I'm at the point now where I have forgiven my naive self from back then, I didn't have the tools to recognize what was already in side of him and growing.


Me 48yrs, king of douchebagastan- 50yrs STD infected bankrupt NPD sociopathic drunk thief
countless A's, he is a predator that targets losers like himself
Last Dday 04/12/2010-Divorcing if/when his cumdumpsters lend him some $ or balls to file

Posts: 1517 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Ingersoll Ontario
foundoutlater
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Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No there was no way I could see it would happen. I saw plenty of clues (like most BS). I have beat myself up for "ignoring" it. You know what though I did not ignore it. The only way I could have seen it would be if I believed it was possible. I could not believe that she would. Unless I had caught them in the act or found blatant evidence there was no way I could see it because of what I believed.


Your beliefs dont make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
roses303
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Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In between the 2 affairs with my BFF (the OW), we were camping together as families. I was in a really bad spot emotionally and remember thinking that WH and OW seemed to have so much fun together and that they probably should have married each other (OW was the one who introduced me to WH when she was married to her first husband). Little did I know that they had just ended an 18 month long affair and would do it again a few years later. I saw the signs, I just didn't think that they meant anything. I never thought either of them were that type of person.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
StrongerOne
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things had been rough, we were not connecting much. There was one evening, I can't even remember what he did or said that made me think this, but I thought, He's having an affair. Which I immediately brushed aside, because he wasn't That Guy. Later I realized that moment was right when his professional relationship with MCOW turned into an EA. So, yes, I knew, but I didn't let myself believe it.

Always trust your instincts...

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 7:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Sep 2012
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know that I too didn't see it slapping me in the face like most of you, but what I am talking about here is post a many years before the a/a's took place.

As most of you have already answered my question, the signs were definitely there well before the a was even a thought, or at least in my case. I look back now and I can clearly see even years prior that he had it in him to create such a nightmare. The problem with most of us is that we had blind faith. Going back post a to the very start of the relationship or marriage would we have ever given it a thought?

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 8:17 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2438 | Registered: Sep 2005
stunnedin12
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Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh is in a profession notorious for cheaters... I used to listen to co-workers (women) rave about how he was such a good guy, blah, blah, blah. I used to listen to how 'they' would all go out, blah, blah, blah. I should have realized earlier, but I really and truly thought he was made of better stuff. After all, we had talked about some of the others (friends) in the profession and how they had ruined marriages.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jan 2013
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, having looked back over the 16 year relationship X had all the right qualities to be a Wayward:

*selfish - check
*me/relationship last priority - check
*empty words about changing behaviour but no action - check
*inappropriate interactions with females - check
*constant need for validation - check
*master liar by omission - check
*lack of empathy - check
*jealous of me, needed to 'one up' me constantly - check


and the list goes on..........


Me: Awesome - 35

"Ive learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be".


Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
TxsT
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Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I did not ever think he could do this. Even with the sagging things in our marriage I could not begin to imagine this.

The hardest thing to know now is that, if we had tended to our M better I doubt the A would have existed at all.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly thought we were a normal couple dealing with work and kids like everyone else. Just in a "down" cycle. He told me every day multiple times a day that he loved me. He kissed me good morning/good night/hello/goodbye. He held my hand while we watched TV. We had great sex.

But now I see that he was actually pulling away from me. The distance that I felt and thought was "normal" was actually due to him delving into internet sites/chat rooms/porn he shouldn't have been in and over time, 4 OW he shouldn't have been in either!!

I knew our marriage was not #1 on his priority list but I NEVER thought he was cheating...


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 788 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TXBW......looks like we are on the same page with this one......sorry for you, sorry for me!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
DyingInside0412
♀ New Member
Member # 38350
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were first together, I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me. He was so loving and so into me. Now, after finding out he's cheated for the second time, I can't imagine him ever stopping and it makes me so sad.


How we deal with tragedy defines who we are...

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2013
Bluebird26
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Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I see lots of red flags. The first one appeared just before I fell pregnant with our first son. But I believed his gas lighting, wished I knew then what I know now.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 29
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