SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have any of you had people ever say to you, "I don't understand why you are so angry with OW/OM. It's not her/him that owed you loyalty, it was your ex. And if he/she didn't cheat with that OW/OM, it would have been someone else."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard that from people who obviously have no freaking clue. But I guess, fundamentally, this statement is true. I mean, I didn't make marriage vows with her. She didn't owe me loyalty.

Anyway, just curious what you guys think. If you've ever heard this, how did you respond?

Oh, I hate to OM. He knew damn well she was married. Anybody that would do that to another person is a POS in my book. I found out that he is divorced, the victim of infidelity himself. To know what it feels like and still choose to put another human being through this nightmare is all I need to know about him.

Unfortunately in my case my wife was unhappy for a long time. She chose to suffer in silence and not come to me with her concerns. she was sweet and nice up until the moment she told me. I had no idea. She didn't want to be married to me anymore so she chose so she chose the one act that she knew I wouldn't, couldn't forgive. If it wasn't him it would've been somebody else. At least she didn't destroy another family.

I don't know who would not be angry with OP.

What do those people expect? For you to be neutral toward OP?

IMHO it is completely normal to be angry with both WS and OP.

I do read on SI where some BS'es focus their anger on the OP, avoiding facing the hurt and anger their WS has caused them. That doesn't seem to be what you are referring to in your post.

I agree it's infuriating to hear that. Personally I think unless a someone has actually been cheated on themselves, they should keep their mouths SHUT instead of telling you how you should or should not feel about anything regarding the affair. JMO.

But in response to your post... For me it depends a lot on whether or not the OW/OM *knew* the wayward spouse was married. Did he spin some tale of being single, or "in the middle of a divorce", etc and so the OW had no clue? Or was she knowingly sleeping with a married man?

I have quite a bit of anger towards OW. She was not a close friend, but she had previously dated a friend of my XWH. So we socialized together frequently as couples. She had been (with the previous boyfriend) to my home, rode in my car, lounged her skanky ass in my hot tub, etc. When she started sleeping with my XWH, she new *damn well* that he was married. And so I blame her for knowing that and still proceeding with the affair. Anyone who knowingly sleeps with a married person, whether or not they are acquainted with the betrayed spouse, is pretty damn low in my book. They may not owe any specific "loyalty" to the BS, but they should at least have the decency to respect the boundaries of a marriage!

That said....I know that whatever XWH told her about the status of our relationship, guaranteed it was NOT the truth. It was probably some tale of how we'd grown apart, weren't sharing a bed, were both unhappy etc etc. Basically I'm sure he lied and said whatever was necessary to achieve his goal of screwing her.

It's funny... I know he was cheating on me with OW, but I wonder if she knows he was cheating on her with ME, since he was sleeping with both of us right up until D-day. Somehow, I think the answer is no.

I can only guess but I think that if the OW had been a stranger and someone who had no idea my XWH was married, then I would feel much less anger towards her.

Oh OW knew he was married. She was a teacher at the school my kids went to. It's not a big school. To top it off, she was also married. To top that off I have two kids and she has three and they were playing Brady Bunch together. While they were both still married!

I never focused all my anger on OW, but how could you not feel anger toward someone that could do this?

There is some truth to that because yes it was suppose to be your spouse who should have made proper decisions and prtected you. I haven't had anyone say that to me. In fact I've gotten nothing but pats on my back over my actions towards OM. I can't be one to talk because look what I did. I reported the POS not only to his wife but also to his military command. Why? Because I could do it just as easily as he did taking advantage of a confused woman who couldn't express her feelings properly to her husband. He said the right things and sweet talked her into bed hurting his own family and disrespecting his commanders. I have ZERO sympathy or regret for destroying his career.

It's all very stalkery and creepy that these people have been in our lives without us even knowing. They slither through our homes, houses and sometimes possessions, know intimate details about our lives without our permission or knowledge, and want to cause us harm. There's no claim of innocence or ignorance for the APs who know about the BS. None. It's malicious intent to destroy. So yeah, anger? You bet.

Seriously? Any reasonable person who knows their new love interest is married is culpable in my opinion, Maybe not as much as the WS but I'm not too concerned about percentages.

She met me as his wife in my home, she knew the score. Even if he lied to her about the state of our marriage she lied to herself at best. She's a bitch.

I agree with it, though I would never say it to someone who's been touched by infidelity because I suspect I'm in the minority and it probably would be taken as hurtful.

When I was married, I had plenty of hot (married) guys come on to me, some who tried very hard, but I remained faithful and not even tempted. I have integrity.

After I told everyone about XWH's cheating, many people told me about experiences they had where someone tried to get them to cheat. But because they have integrity, they didn't.

Personally, I think it's a waste of energy and misdirection to hate the OP. They share some responsibility (unless they truly didn't know the other person was attached) but ultimately, it's your spouse/SO who is wholly responsible for their actions.

If I'm committed to someone, I don't care if an entire soccer team of men wearing nothing but speedos shows up on my doorstep; I'm not straying.

I must say, it took me time, distance, IC, and introspection to come to this conclusion. And, I no longer hate XWH, either. I just pity him because he gave up the best thing that ever happened to him and now leads a sad, pathetic life.

But I definitely understand the opinion of those who disagree with me, which is why, as I said above, I would try to never make this comment to anyone who it might hurt.

Seriously? Any reasonable person who knows their new love interest is married is culpable in my opinion, Maybe not as much as the WS but I'm not too concerned about percentages.

I agree. They may not be the one breaking vows and destroying their own family (unless they are married as well) but they are still disgusting and immoral people. The only time they DON'T deserve the BS's anger is when they didn't know and ended the relationship when they found out.

Ex's AP apparently knew a lot about me and our 3 young children. She went so far as to defend me when Ex would go to her complaining about me being angry after I found out about their "friendship" and about my being the doormat he had grown used to. At least that is his story. She barely spoke English (and Ex doesn't speak her language) so Lord only knows what kind of "conversation" they could have had. The stupid POS even downloaded translators to talk to her.

The sick SOB understood my POV because she was a BW in the not so distant past. She was so devastated that she turned to drugs to ease her pain. Because of that she no longer had custody of her kids and lived hundreds of miles from them. Sometimes I hate her guts and sometimes I feel really sorry for her because she was an incredibly broken woman who made one horrible decision after another and lost her children. According to Ex, when they met she was suicidal over the loss of her kids and threatening to kill herself that day. Who knows if that is true but I wouldn't be surprised. Ex is a predator who was looking for someone..*ANYONE*...desperate and willing. Days after I kicked him out, she pretty much disappeared. I'll never know if her decision to end the affair was guilt related or just because she really didn't give a fuck about Ex and with me removing myself from their fuckery, she felt like she "won" so the thrill was gone. She is a coward and never responded to my calls or texts.

Ex would never purposefully tell me anything that makes him look bad and the OW having a conscience when he doesn't would be something that he would keep to himself. There is no way to spin that to make himself look superior so if that is true it will forever be his secret. Everything I know about her I found out when Ex was trying hard to con me into thinking that he wasn't working HARD to turn his "friendship" into one with benefits. He only told me the truth when he could spin it into something to make me lower my guard.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 8:18 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

It's all very stalkery and creepy that these people have been in our lives without us even knowing. They slither through our homes, houses and sometimes possessions, know intimate details about our lives without our permission or knowledge, and want to cause us harm. There's no claim of innocence or ignorance for the APs who know about the BS. None. It's malicious intent to destroy. So yeah, anger? You bet.

YES!

I can't be upset with the other women. They are just trying to make their money and they just hooked up with my ex idiot!

I agree with Sparkysable's quote completely and I was very angry when I first found out about each one of them. Now I just think "meh, whatever." They are welcome to pick his sorry carcass clean like the ugly vultures they are, and I will be laughing when he is still paying child support into his 70s! The OW are beneath contempt and I don't give them any space in my brain. If they all got flattened by a train tomorrow I wouldn't lose any sleep over it, but I don't dwell on them either. They are non-entities to me at this point, though I absolutely reserve the right to be angry at them for knowingly violating my marital boundaries.

Luckily, no one has actually dared to say what you wrote to me. If they did, I would politely say that, with all due respect, they have no place to tell me how I should/shouldn't feel about anyone.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 8:29 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

^^^^^^^ this, I concur

I feel that he promised me fidelity-she owed me nothing.

Even so, I hope both of them die slow and painful deaths.

YES! It makes me crazy. I love my friends and they've been there for me through this horrible process, but none of them have dealt with it personally. They give me a lot of stupid advice like this. Like I just need to not blame OW (which I don't, I hold them both equally responsible) and that I just need to get over it and move on. They just don't have a clue what a trauma this is. That is why I'm so thankful for this site. I know that I'm not alone.

I find comments like that rude & insufferable. I would have to retort in some manner, if even only to tell them that they were being rude & insufferable.

Having said that, I am not angry at the one OW I am absolutely certain of. I know that STBX lied to her when they first rekindled their love, and for all I know she still does not know that he's still married. I know that she is a very broken person. HOWEVER, I would not want her as a stepmother to my children. Furthermore, if I ever learned that she's denigrated me in any way, then I won't be so charitable towards her in my thoughts.

I feel that he promised me fidelity-she owed me nothing.

Even so, I hope both of them die slow and painful deaths.

That!

The OW that 'won' the EXWH chased him for over 6 years, knowing that he was married, she was also warned to stay away when it was in the EA stage, she was also still married at the time.

I think maybe she will die a slow and painful death now she is married to him

I don't think anyone has the right to tell you how you should feel.

Where the AP is a friend or relative - they DID betray you too. For most of us the APs were strangers who owed us nothing.

Yes, it's true and getting stuck in OPHatingTown isn't healthy (like drinking the poison hoping the other person will die).

I don't hate any of the OW - I consider them an affront to the sisterhood and I hate that one of them gets to spend time with my precious girls but they didn't do this to me and my family. My fuckwit husband did.

What I find odd is when a BS hates the AP MORE than their WS. IMO this is blameshifting - it certainly was in my case. I couldn't hate him just yet so pointed all barrels at OWUglyIndian instead. I blamed her for pursuing him and for seducing him. Truth is if it wasn't her it would be the next piece of trash who responded to his slippery slope advances.

The WS invite these intruders into our lives. Them accepting it didn't break our marriages - it was the invitation that broke our marriages.

No one has ever said that to me. I was angry with stbx's girlfriend for a very short period of time in the beginning. I realized pretty quickly she means nothing to me. I don't hate her. I don't ever think of her. She is just as pathetic as stbx. Once in a great while I am asked if stbx is still with her. I truly don't know or care.