The guy who actually ROBBED the bank (my H) got much more time and grief for HIS actions, but the person who was driving the car (the skank) is ALSO guilty of a crime. She might not get AS MUCH guilt as my H, but she gets her fair share.
Of course she broke up with XWH 6 months post-D. So that may have something to do with my "meh" feeling about OW.
My feelings are that if you are married/have a commitment to someone - they should be able to turn down any amount of temptation - or have firm enough boundaries to resist or remove themselves from the situation.
Hate tends to hurt the person doing the hating more than it ever hurts the one who it's directed towards.
I also don't have to deal with SS/CS or custody issues as my sons were grown when all this happened. I can see how dealing with those issues would cause a lot of anger.
It's malicious intent to destroy.
In our case,divorced ( no kids) coworker OW knew WH was married, had met our kids, & didn't care what she was doing to them or me.
She only cared about her own selfish desires.
I know I am going to get 2 X 4's for saying this,
but I know for a fact (verified by others whom I trust) that OW pursued WH as if she had him in the crosshairs of her rifle,
& at the perfect moment
(at a low point in our marriage)
she threw herself on him.
I'm sure WH was flirting with her, but probably never thought anything would happen. Of course,when she said to WH "I have such a crush on you, why don't I be your mistress?" WH could have said " Thank you, I'm very flattered, but I would never betray my wife"---but he didn't, he went for it.
So, yes, I am trying to not give her any space in brain anymore, but I would love to hear that she has died a long , agonizing death for what she did to us.
For whatever reason I have no strong feelings against the OWomen in my situation. They are non-entities to me, and I agree that if it hadn't been them it would have been someone else. I do think they were foolish to get involved with a married man. And I do not want any contact with them. But that's about as strong as my feelings about them get.
One of the things my Ex did was tell me how I SHOULD feel about things, and I HATED that. I think it's very presumptuous. I can tell you how I feel about "my" OW but no way will I tell you how you should feel about yours.
I focused all my anger on my EXH, not because she didn't deserve my anger, but I didn't feel she was worth it. He was the person who broke their vows to me. So I pretty much forgot about her after the A. I had plenty of opportunity to cheat, I chose to honor my marriage, he didn't do the same. So yup, I am still angry at him. And the OW is long out of the picture.
One thing that I'm learning in this "process" is that for some reason people feel very free to advise me when I haven't asked and this in and of itself makes me angry. But I don't act on that anger if I can help it , which is hard. I try to remember that they are trying to help me...I don't want to get hung up on more anger or hatred at yet another person besides what I have already.
That being said, this issue remains a mixed bag because for the most part, I don't want to give OW importance in my own life, so I work hard to not think of her. Ow in the case of Perv was lied to by him as I was at first, but then apparently-and this according to her-he confessed my existence but she did not toss him out. So this is my frustration and difficulty...with him going outside our marriage and not telling me his problems and her not shipping him off when she learned she had nabbed herself a married, formerly family man.
My post is long, sorry, but I just wanted to add that lately I have feelings of sorrow and head shaking at her stupidity, because she has some idea of what he's capable of and by keeping him around, doesn't she open herself up to what happened to us?
I like the post that likens an OW to an accomplice-that makes sense.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
OM knew me. My DS worked for him. Stbxww and AP had sex in my home. I no longer will go out of my way to inflict misery upon him but would still stand by and enjoy the show should he suffer a slow and painful demise. Especially one appropriate to his actions
As for stbxww, she has the many years together that allowed the intense anger to pass. Either she does nog comprehend the consequences of her actions or cannot acknowledge them for fear of disintegration, poof!
There's enough blame and hate to go around, and I'm willing to dole it out as I see fit.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
Not that it worked, of course. My answer to her was, "you allowed your daughter to become attached to another woman's husband - wow, guess that makes you mother of the year!" (Yes, lots of sarcasm in my voice on that one.)
She insisted on coming with him when we met at the DMV to get our names off of each others' vehicles (he had to pay fines first to do it), and for him to pay me some money he owed me. I in turn signed over the storage unit where I had put some arcade games of his that I was holding until he took care of all of that. While we were there, she got in my face, yelling at me that I had no business treating him so badly (yes, I was horrible to him by actually expecting him to honor his obligations to me instead of throwing any money he had at her). When I put the portfolio I had in my hand between us because I didn't appreciate her violating my personal space, she yelled, "Oh no you didn't!" and pulled back her fist like she was going to hit me. I didn't even flinch - we were at the DMV, there were tons of police everywhere, and I would have had her a$$ arrested in a second.
She also sent really, really horrible e-mails to me. Things about what they had done in my house, my bed... things about how he found me disgusting... claiming he had her in the house in our 2nd bedroom while I was there (and no, he didn't - the way our condo is, I would have known).
All I ever wanted was to never have known she existed - she was/is a truly disgusting, horrible, sleazy, gold-digging ho-bag. I wanted her to go away and leave me alone. I only contacted her once - well after the D - and only because I found things on a backup drive that made me concerned considering she had a young daughter. Of course, I was vilified even more for trying to give her that warning. I refused to talk to her, refused to deal with her, and pretty much completely ignored her. Once I realized the extent of what he had done and found out a few things I hadn't known about him, I was happy to let her have him. And made that clear - to him (since I really did refuse to even acknowledge she existed).
Which only made her angrier.
And I was pretty pi$$ed at both of them for dragging me into my very own real-life version of the Jerry Springer show. I asked him at one point, "What kind of white trash have you dragged into my life?"
So yes, I feel quite justified in having less-than-charitable thoughts about her. They had nothing to do with "her stealing my husband", and everything to do with the horrible skank she was in her own right.... and the fact that she wouldn't leave me alone.
ETA: despite what the above sounds like, I am over it. But I still have opinions on the kind of person she is in general. And they have little to do with her "going after" my X, who was looking, putting ads on married but looking sites, and who would have found someone else if it hadn't been her. But sheesh - the skank was in my business, threatening me, all kinds of stuff. It wasn't pretty - I bought a steering wheel lock for my truck both to help protect my truck against them and figuring that it would make a great club if I needed it. I bought a baseball bat that I kept close to me in my house. Yeah, crap like that can make you be a little upset at someone like that.
[This message edited by osxgirl at 3:15 PM, September 6th (Friday)]
I don't have any anger toward OW anymore but I did in the beginning. I think it takes a lot of time and perspective to get to the point where you can see it any other way. At least it did for me. But I think it's normal to feel anger toward the OP. It is such a selfish, hateful thing to do to someone whether you know them or not.
But ultimately, yeah, it was XH responsibility to be true to his marriage vows. And she was just one of many skanky whores he cheated with.
[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 6:51 PM, September 6th (Friday)]
I don't see how anyone could not blame their WS and have hard feelings towards them for the A. However, I believe it is completely natural to have anger towards the Om/Ow.
OW knew my wh was married and had a child, she had been in our house sleeping with my youngest brother, 1 month before wh left me for her!
While I was angry with my WH I despised the OW. She knew he was married, had a child and a home. She thought he had a money, and what she didn't realize was that we were barely scraping by!
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
After everything I have been through and everything I read on these boards, I find it incredible what one human being is capable of doing to another without any regard for anyone but themselves.
Marriage is a societal contract..